A mother who will always be…

February 28, 2014 No Comments »

I am 30 years old. I started dating my boyfriend in June 2012. By that October, we foud out that I was pregnant. We sort of have spoken about the posibility for me getting pregnant and we decided to get an abortion if that would happen in the next few years, because our current circumstances (we were not even living together and he was just starting his carrer, I finished mine on 2005 and had a stable job at that time). I was informed that I was 6 weeks pregnant and we immediately contacted a clinic to schedule the abortion.

We were not even thinking about the impact that it would cause on our lives, we just took the oportunity to do it the easy way. I remember that from the very moment I was told that my baby was inside of me, I automatically felt different (not physically, because my symptoms started about 2 weeks before my conception date), but in my soul and mind I was absolutely certain that I was in a very different condition of mind and spirit, eventhough I forced myself not to establish an emotional connection with my little baby. My boyfriend was not connected either, not even aware of all that was happening and changing in between.

The procedure was as easy as I can remember. I took about 4 pills and some pain medication and my baby was gone at 8 weeks of pregnancy.

After that I remember falling in a deep dark hole of emotions that I didn’t understand. I went on with my normal life with my boyfriend and very slowly, that wound has been healing. In that process I realized that I agreed to quit my baby for the sole reason to keep my boyfriend by my side, but it was not worthy at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love him still, but to have that heavy weight on my shoulders is just too much to handle everyday.

After one year and a half we now live together and have a very busy life. I can’t say that I am the happy person that I used to be and I just can help thinking of my baby and what would have happened if I would have chosen another path. Guilt is now in my heart since I realized that I failed terribly at the only thing a mother is supposed to do: to protect the life of her precious child.

I pray for forgiveness and desesperately to be able to be a mother one day.

Dian.

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