It’s 1975, I am married and pregnant with 4th child at 23. Go to Dr. To get options. Make appt. ,pay 250,in and out. Done. No professional or fam. Tried to show me any support in any way. I am soooo sorry now as I was then. Could never carry another pregnancy to term, lost 2. Mentally exausting.
I was only 11 when I was taken advantage of by a relative. I hid my pregnancy, and came to term having the baby early. This was a hidden secret in my family. My aunt had found out and secretly brought me in for help because she was scared of what my family would do. I was told I was a killer upon coming to the abortion clinic by protestors. I cried and had told my aunt no I cannot kill him. My son only lived for a few weeks he had extreme genetic abnormalities. Well, that’s what the doctors said. He couldn’t, see, suckle properly or breathe well. I am so happy I had time with my son. The second pregnancy happened shortly after the first my Aunt had brought me to the abortion clinic had my family taken into custody. I really wanted what God wanted too my new baby. She had my baby killed that day.
I am a 29 year old mother of 4. I was in a 5 year long marriage and had 3 children with my then husband and since leaving him I have been with my boyfriend of 3 years and we have a 2 year old son. When my husband left state in September of 2019, he legally (yes legally) kidnapped my oldest daughter. I haven’t seen her in 3 years now. I have been financially unstable for my entire adult life just about and it has been hard to get by at times. In 2021 around June, I got very sick and almost died from pulmonary embolisms (blood clots in my lungs). I was still reeling from that experience and decided to take my health more seriously. I went to my obgyn in September of 2021 to schedule a tubal ligation and an ablation because of endometriosis and to make sure I wouldn’t risk pregnancy again. They did blood work and discovered I was pregnant. My doctor told me that there would be a lot of risks if I kept the baby and it was more likely that I wouldn’t be able to carry the baby to term. She said there were risks to mine and the baby’s lives, but that she would support me through the pregnancy if I chose to keep it. I would have likely been bed ridden for a lot of the pregnancy and I was sacred. My youngest son wasn’t even a year old yet and I couldn’t even see my oldest daughter. Money was tight and my boyfriend and I couldn’t handle the risks of keeping the baby. I had to think of my children and how much they needed me. Together, my boyfriend and I decided to go through with the abortion. I thought I could handle it knowing the situation. I was dead wrong. I remember looking at the monitor during the ultrasound at planned parenthood. They asked me so many questions. They wanted to make sure I was ready to make my decision. I was never ready, but I told them I was. I took the pill and had my friend drive me home. She didn’t even know why I was there in the first place. I didn’t want anyone to know my shameful secret.. My boyfriend had to work that night, so I spent that night alone. In pain. Crying my eyes out and begging the baby for forgiveness for being such a cruel mommy. I remember every detail so vividly. The pain, the sight of everything, the smell of it. Everything. I held my baby boy to try to remind myself that I made the decision I did for my children. For them to have a healthy mommy and for them to not have to struggle even more. I wanted my boyfriend to be there for me. I wanted to take back my decision. I was miserable. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it and he told me he thought it was a mistake. He was the first one to suggest we go through with it.. And he turned around and told me I made a mistake. He refused to talk to me about it. He wanted to act like it all never happened. I did too, but I couldn’t handle the reality. The hormone shifts, the process of what I went through, feeling so alone through it.. I started to get really depressed and spiraled into alcoholism. I resented my boyfriend for letting me go through it alone and for not letting me talk to him. I refused counseling. I had dreams every other night about not making that decision. Of being happily pregnant and ultrasounds and excitement. Of the new baby and all the love and joy that came with it. Every other night I had nightmares, reliving the night I spent alone. I spent a year getting worse and worse and wanting to disassociate as much as possible. I had friends who were there for me because I broke down and told them. I started to invest a lot of time taking care of and propagating plants. I did my best every day to still be the best mom I could be despite everything. All the while, I still felt like a monster. I believed my boyfriend hated me as much as I hated myself and I started lashing out at him for never being there. The resentment grew so strong. It came to a head when in September of this year, I blew up and physically lashed out at my boyfriend when I was drunk one night. I got arrested and I felt like it was a wake up call to get better and find help. I still haven’t been able to accept everything that happened and I still feel resentment towards my boyfriend, but I love him to death and want to get counseling together to get past it. I thought I was finally healing, but for the past 2 days I have been a wreck. My brother’s girlfriend is pregnant and I want to be happy for them, but I’m struggling to do so. The ultrasound picture just brought me right back to the last ultrasound I ever had. I have been crying nonstop, wishing I never hurt my baby. Wishing I never made that choice.. I never did get my tubal ligation or ablation. I haven’t been back to my obgyn at all. I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I plan on setting up an appointment as soon as their office opens tomorrow. I know I need to do it. I feel stronger than I did and I feel this need to prove I am stronger than I was this past year. I hope that I can find an end to the pain I feel over my decision, but right now, I don’t know that I can. I feel like I should have my sweet little baby in my arms. How can I get past this pain?
My abortion was 3 , almost 4 years ago , I was 18 years old. and I still hurt ! I still think about it. I still cry about it.i was forced into my decision , I was only 6 weeks pregnant .. i didn’t give myself time to process it .. and I will never be okay with it. I still blame myself for not being stronger and being the voice for my baby. What was posed to be a quick visit to the clinic turned into hours , me running in and out , crying in the bathroom. Not knowing if I was making the right choice ! The problem I have with the “pro-choice” movement is they desensitized! abortions. Society doesn’t even let women who have abortions grieve , we cry silently .. because it’s not looked at in the same light as a miscarriage. When both result in loss of precious life … so if you’re pregnant debating between abortion and keeping your baby 9/10 YOU CARE… or else you wouldn’t be here on this page . There’s a bone in your body advising against it ! So Think girl. Put your pros and cons together Do what you have to do to make SURE you make the correct decision because it’s one you can NEVER UNDO. Ever. And make sure you’ll be okay to live with it . Make the best decision for YOU. Not anyone else .cause no one will be there to wipe your tears when you’re crying years years later . And another thing ! Don’t base anything off of your finances ! Finances change. Don’t let nobody tell you that you can’t afford a baby. If there’s a will there’s a way. Hope this helps someone. Helps me being able to share and know there’s other women suffering in silence.
Sitting in a doctor’s office at 14 waiting for a prescription for an ear infection I was told I needed to go see an Obgyn. I was confused. For an ear infection? I had no idea I was pregnant. I had only had sex one time. I made an appointment with the OBGYN and learned I was 7 weeks along. I heard the fetal heart beat and got an ultrasound. Pictures were printed out for me to keep. I was scared but excited. The morning sickness hit me hard.. and wasn’t just designated for the morning… It lasted all day. I was vomiting constantly.. I lost around 20 lbs my first trimester do to not being able to hold anything down. My I remained happy about my pregnancy.. putting the ultrasound pictures in my binder at school and showing my baby off. I had even picked out a name Trinity Lynn. I was living with my sister then in Texas.. at around 20 weeks my dad called me and convinced me to come home to Washington. I boarded a plane and at take off as we were climbing in altitude i felt my baby kicking for the first time that I can remember. It was surreal. I was in awe and loved the feeling of my baby inside of me. The morning after returning home I woke up with the same morning sickness had my entire pregnancy.. my dad questioned why I had thrown up and I responded Duh… I’m pregnant. He looked at me with out emotion and said that we should sit down and write up a pros and cons list. He took the lead in naming all the things that having a baby could and would effect. I was left sitting In silence as my dad made my mind up for me to get an abortion. I felt powerless as I had always listened to my dad. He knew what was best. Besides where would I go if I said no.. he said I either got an abortion or I had to go and find somewhere else to live and raise my baby. Where would we live? I had never been on state assistance and didn’t have a clue as to how to go about getting it. I was sad and depressed. Back then you had to have a doctor sign off on the abortion. After being taken in an office by my long time family doctor and asked questions he brought out the paper my dad had handed him to sign and told my dad that he couldn’t sign it because I did not wish to have the abortion. My dad thanked the doctor and told him he would. Find one that would sign it and we walked away. I don’t remember seeing another doctor. But I do remember the first day of my abortion. My dad and my step mom parked the car and walking to the clinic and up the stairs I heard the screaming of the protesters calling me a murder and that my child deserved to live. In the waiting room I sat there watching my parents fill out the extensive paper work and then I was called back to an ultrasound room. I’m not sure but the lady doing the ultrasound didn’t seem to have known prior to the start of the ultrasound how far along I was because when she seen the image on the screen she gasped. Which cause me to flinch and react and stare straight at the screen asking “is there something wrong with me baby?!” Knowing she had made a mistake in showing any reaction she turned the screen away from my view and said… No nothing at all. And proceeded to do the measurements needed for the procedure. I then remember quickly being in a counselors office. But again I don’t remember being given a choice or hearing what the process would be. The next thing I know I was having seaweed rods put into my cervix to help me dialate to send me into labor and was sent home for the night. The next morning I was taken back to the clinic this time with just my step mom. I don’t remember anything but being in the room screaming and having the doctor stop what he was doing and ask me to quit down as I was scaring the other patients. My mom was next to me telling me if I was a good girl we could go shopping when it was all done and over. I couldn’t tell you how long the procedure lasted or even what happened in the following days.. I was told that we shouldn’t talk about it. It was done and over with. If I needed to blame someone then blame my dad as it was his decision. But I couldn’t help but feel as though I was a murdering coward who couldn’t protect my child. To scared to go against my dad and to scared to raise my baby alone and to scared to fail at being a mother at 14. I could have prevented it but I didn’t. It has been 24 years since that day. 24 years of regret and shame and self hate. 24 yrs of wondering what if.. what if I would have had my baby.. would I have been better? Would I have turned to drugs and sex as a numbing tool for the pain that it caused me? Would I have all these mental issues? Would I have turned out to be in relationship after relationship of abusers and narcissists? I will never know. I carry the guilt and shame with me every single day. And I’m haunted by the what ifs just as often.
I am 34 and already have 5 kids we often struggle financially especially with the cost of living in where we are living ,I blame myself for not being more careful or taking some contraception and now I am about 10 weeks pregnant time is going fast and I feel as the baby grows bigger and looks more like a fetus I will feel more connected and worse for having an abortion , but I truly can’t have another one I feel we will struggle to provide the time and money for the baby I’m so sad yet angry at myself for even thinking about abortion but i feel it’s the only way I need help and advice on what to do. Although I read some testimonies I still feel I have to do this for me and my family but I am also scared I will change as a person and feel regret.
I am writing this testimony in desperate hope that it will prevent someone else from making the same mistake I did. The past year of my life I have been homeless living in an old RV, in a new state. I met a guy and we started seeing each other, and it wasn’t too long before he moved in with me (and my two cats) because he didn’t have anywhere to live either. He had been bouncing around between places before he met me. 3 months into it I find out I’m pregnant. I cried when I saw the positive pregnancy test not because I was happy but because I was terrified. Homeless with no steady income and no family to turn to for help. I was already 34 and never planned on having kids and never been pregnant before. The first three weeks after finding out I kinda just went through the motions of taking a prenatal and eating healthy. But soon the thoughts of abortion started creeping in. I mentioned it to my boyfriend but he really wanted the baby. At around this time, his younger brother who is addicted to opiates got out of jail and my bf left me to go babysit him, and started doing drugs with him. He quickly turned into a person I didn’t recognize anymore. I freaked out and went ahead with the abortion. I didn’t want to raise a baby without a father and in poverty. I went to a planned parenthood and they treated it as just a standard procedure. No one talked to me about what I was REALLY doing. They sedated me and got it over with pretty quick. It happened so fast yet replays in my memory over and over. I went to a friends house after to recover and sleep for a few hours. I didn’t really feel anything that day, the sedatives were strong. When I woke up the next morning the reality hit me of what I had done. I still felt very much pregnant but there was no baby inside me. I felt empty. Like a part of my soul had left me. As the weeks passed the pain grew stronger and stronger and so did the regret that came along with it. I missed my baby and wanted to have her back more than anything. It is now 3 months post abortion and I feel completely empty inside. I do not enjoy life and have no desire to go on. The reason I had the abortion was so that I could get my life together and get out of my situation. I’ve never been homeless before so this is all new to me. Now I don’t even care about that. I don’t feel that I even deserve to have a house to live in . I’m turning 35 in a few weeks and I am dreading my birthday because I don’t feel that I deserve to celebrate my life and be happy. I would have been 6 months pregnant on my birthday. Picking out baby clothes and getting myself ready. I could have found a way to make it work. I could have turned to people for help, there is always someone willing to help. But I took the easy way out because I thought I was doing the right thing. I took someone’s life and I will never forgive myself. I never realized that I actually wanted a baby until mine was gone. But even if I have one in the future, it won’t be the same. It will not be that baby that I lost. If you are reading this along with the other testimonies here- please don’t have an abortion.