Never did I dream that I would end up in a loveless, abusive marriage and have 3 abortions. I grew up in a loving family with a mother and father who loved us, but in college I rebelled against their upbringing and Christian faith and grabbed onto the rebellious, feminist rhetoric of the 60’s that seemed liberating and gave me the value that I thought I didn’t have. Rather than finding value and love I found the opposite in my relationships.
I had a miscarriage in college,and I married the next man who came along, even though he wasn’t loving and respectful, but was in fact degrading of me. I had thought I was smart and could lead my own life without God. We married and moved far away from any family in the Air Force where I had no friends and taught school as the main support while he spent his money on whatever he wanted. We had a son who was exceptional and loved, but when I became pregnant the 2nd time, my husband was not happy about it and kicked me in the stomach during a fight. I was so hurt by his treatment of me that I agreed to an abortion.Our only friends had had an abortion and the military was giving abortions even before Roe vs Wade. I tried to back out and went back home after talking to the doctor but gave in to pressure from my husband and he took me back to the military hospital where I was put out completely during the abortion. That left me dead feeling and out of touch with my feelings.
Our relationship got worse and I was full of anger and disrespect and resentment towards him, but I tried to continue and make the best of it for my our son.I was in denial about the abortion, convincing myself that I had done the right thing and had no choice. I didn’t think I could ever go to my parents with my problem because I had been so alienated from them and was presenting a front to them. Although I know they would taken me in if I had left. Satan had me so deceived that I thought I had no alternative but to abort my own baby. My husband got hooked on marijuana and that was his main focus. I got pregnant again and had another abortion, but had started seeing a psychiatrist because of problems I was having because of the abortions. I was in denial about what I had done and was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and my marriage. The second abortion was in a civilian hospital and I was put out completely remembering nothing except the feling of isolation and disconnection from my husband and what I was doing.
Our fighting got worse and worse and once I went to school with a huge bruise on my forehead and lied about how it happened.I lied to myself about what I was going through and tried to believe that things would get better and work out. Maybe I would have a home someday and that marriage I dreamed of with a husband who loved me. I lived in a world that wasn’t real, not facing up to the truth. When my husband was discharged we stayed with my parents for a short time relocating and I became pregnant for the 5th time. This time I was around people who cared about me and I told everyone I was pregnant without discussing it with my husband.Everyone was happy for us and I hoped our lives would be different. A beautiful baby girl was born to us and we started over in civilian life. I had hopes of saving my marriage, but my husband started smoking pot with his friends at work and I felt more alone isolated than ever. I was seeing a psychiatrist again and trying to “fix” myself when I could no longer cope with my situation and was admitted to the psychiatric ward for two weeks.My mind had become so confused trying to figure out what was wrong with me and living in denial and lies that I had a breakdown. When I came out I was no better but I had to cope for the sake of my two children.
My husband and I divorced when our daughter was only two years old, but not before I had a third abortion.He was having an affair with his secretary who smoked with him and they were later married. I had made a mess of my life and been so far away from God that I knew I had to change and go in a different direction.I wanted to raise my children in church and knowing God.I was diagnosed with an incurable disease, Crohn’s disease and was very ill at times but continued to teach school and raise my two children. After 6 years as a single Mom but still in denial about the abortions, I met a Christian man through my Dad and we were married 30 years ago. My healing has been a long process that began when we rededicated our lives to Christ and began to raise my two children in the church. t was two years before I even told my husband about the abortions and remembering has been painful.Through the love of Jesus, my husband and Christians in my life, I have overcome the horrible effects of abortion. I have replaced the anger and depression and hopelessness with love and gratitude and come to accept the forgiveness that God has provided for me through Christ and the cross. My mind has been transformed and been renewed by the word of God…One verse of His truth has been more healing that hours with the psychiatrist. I spent hours in BIble studies and eagerly listened to every sermon of hope and restoration that I could. Most of all, I have forgiven my former husband and pray for him AND I have forgiven myself…the hardest thing of all.
I love worshipping and praising Jesus who loves me more than any person ever could. My children are married and have good families without abuse and drugs but also have Jesus in their lives. Between the two of us, my husband and I have 6 children (I also have 4 in heaven that I will see someday), 11 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren and I am blessed with two homes, lots of friends and a church with people who know my testimony of healing, not only from abortion but from Crohnn’s disease which I was diagnosed with after my divorce and is supposedly incurable.I have a husband who dearly loves me and treats me with respect. My husband and I named the babies I lost and had a memorial service for them: Peter John, Mary Hope, Joseph Paul and Sarah Noel…I love you and will see you in heaven. Nothing is impossible with God. I help other women when I can and want to get this message of hope and healing to as many as possible.