This is my third time writing on here….I cannot get over it. Three years. It has been three whole years since I have made the biggest mistake of my life. My healing journey seems to never end and it comes out differently from time to time. I have changed in ways I cannot even explain. I have become a different person. Three years ago I let my boyfriend (now husband) pressure me into having an abortion and it has been the worst mistake of my life. We didn’t have the best situation at the time. My job was unstable, I have two kids, he has two kids and two separate houses. He couldn’t see the minor inconvenience of a a temporary situation vs. a life sentence of guilt, depression and shame. I still can’t believe I let him do that. He was just so mean to me. The first year after my abortion I broke up with him a million times. I know in my heart it was wrong what he did and he was also wrong for me. My main reason for the break up is knowing I would never get a family out of this man. He told me “you can have that with me” and for some reason, I believed him. But it was all a lie so he could keep me in the relationship. At this time I was in a panic trying to seek out help for my depression. I have never had mental health issues before, this was all new to me. Trying to navigate my new problems was messy. It would come out in different ways. I started to have outbursts at him yelling and screaming at him telling him how horrible he is for making me do that. The second year after my abortion we ended up selling our homes and moving in together. I thought that he might want a family now that we live together but unfortunately, he still did not. As a mom already, I kept pressing on but deep down I was missing something. I kept on trying to fill the void buying new pets an animals ranging from chickens, another dog, a horse, and a rabbit. I just needed something to take care of I guess. It was a Band-Aid over a wound that will never be healed. I still continued to have my out bursts at him. Yelling and screaming. I never did that before. I was told how calm I was and I was such a nice person. Now, I have a chip on my shoulder, I am angry all the time. We also ended up getting married on the due date of what would have been our baby’s second birthday. I figured, now I have something to celebrate on that day. I also thought NOW is when he will want a family with me. But sadly, he does not. I keep falling into these deep depressive spells where I don’t talk to him or I pretend I am ok. I usually flood myself and my schedule so I am not home to avoid him. I also live by strict rules now. One rule is, you take something from me, I take something from you. I know it is petulant but I feel justified in doing it. He told me that he loved that I was a big marathon runner and he always wanted a partner to enjoy the same things he did because he liked to work out and run races as well. So, I took that from him. I REFUSE to work out or run with him anymore. He will NEVER get that from me again. Another thing, is, I have a hard time wanting a relationship with his kids. If he didn’t want a family with me, I don’t want a family with you or your kids. You stay in your lane, and I will stay in mine. I do not tell him when I have family get togethers on my side, I just go. This year, I didn’t invite him over because he is not my family. I don’t go to his son’s sporting events. I just don’t do anything. I also think of future events and how I dread the next steps of life. My brain panics me and I hate the thought of these things. His oldest daughter is 21 and I think to myself when she gets married, I don’t want to go to the wedding when she has one. When his kids have kids I want nothing to do with them. Watching my husband with babies and small kids is something I NEVER want to see. I never want to witness it because it would hurt me so bad. It would be like what we could have had would be thrown in my face. Overall, I have become this person I do not recognize. I began to hate people. I began to be spiteful and full of anger. I overload myself with work so I don’t have time to think. But at the end of the day, anyone can realize…I even realize….that this is unhealthy. But, this is how it is and who I have become. It is how I get by now. This is a horrible way to live life. Knowing I will never have a family, and never get to experience that with my husband. It sickens me. I should have left when I had a chance.
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Hello, I’m choosing to remain anonymous for my safety and the safety of others. At the age of 19, I found myself in an unstable situation, living in a broken home environment with my boyfriend. We were struggling financially and lacked the means to provide for what we soon discovered was going to be our ‘baby.’ The realization of my pregnancy initially brought overwhelming joy, but my joy was quickly overshadowed by the harsh reality of our circumstances. As I grappled with the news, my thoughts echoed with the harsh reality that bringing a child into our current situation wasn’t safe or feasible. The internal conflict intensified as I debated the best course of action. Ultimately, I felt compelled to consider abortion, acknowledging that our living conditions were far from ideal. Sharing this decision with my boyfriend led to a heated argument. While he agreed with the practical challenges we faced, I couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of betrayal. The internal struggle between my desire to keep the baby and the harsh reality of our circumstances intensified the emotional turmoil. I found myself harboring anger towards my boyfriend, as well as disappointment in myself for allowing our situation to reach this point. I hated the decision that was wrong, but it was right to do in my situation because it was the truth. I let my fantasy turn into reality. I wanted to keep my baby; I wanted to nurture them, but I couldn’t. I blame myself every day and wonder how I could’ve made a better decision, one that didn’t involve betraying myself or others. The weight of the choice I made lingers, and I grapple with the consequences, questioning if there was a path that would have spared us all this pain. Thank you for reading this and please take care of yourself the most in these situations, It’s okay to feel these type of emotions.
I never thought I would be in the situation I was in. I always wanted to be a parent. The timing was less than ideal, but there was that little glimmer of excitement when I found out I was pregnant. My partner’s only words to me were ‘I don’t want to be a father’. He told me to get an abortion or he would leave. It was a horrible choice, I cried for days. But he left because I couldn’t come to a decision soon enough. For the next month I toiled over the thoughts of being a single parent. My ex was adamant about not being a father so I decided that I would go through with the pregnancy and not write his name on the birth certificate, that way he wouldn’t have to worry about me trying to get child support or anything like that (which I would have never done, I make more money and have more support than him). I told him my decision, and he reluctantly agreed. A week later he told me that he changed his mind, that he didn’t want to be a father now, but in a few years he would come back and want to be a part of mine and the child’s life. I explained to him how that wouldn’t be happening, and how he can’t come back to us if he can’t even commit to us now. He then threatened that he would do anything in his means to be a part of our lives in the future including taking me to court if I refused. I was scared. I thought it was cruel to raise a child with someone who was openly attempting to manipulate me and how confusing and unfair it would be to the child. I thought of all the pain that he would cause. These were his demands now, but what if they got worse. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want this person tied to me in any way so I got an abortion to escape him. It was the worst decision of my life. It’s nearly been a year. I’m horribly depressed and started self harming. I see no hope and I feel constantly reminded of the choices I made. I feel like I was weak and I have so much shame over it. I’ve been in therapy for nearly this whole time but I don’t feel like I’m improving. I don’t know what to do. Initially, I did feel some relief not having my ex in my life. But after a few months he came back. He cried to me, apologized to me, told me that he never meant to make me go through such a horrid situation alone. That he realizes he was cruel, that he was different now, that he was still in love with me. I decided that I could give him another chance, he was so genuine. I worry that he only came back because I ended up having the abortion, which is what he initially wanted. I worry that his plan was to manipulate me this way the whole time. I worry that I hate him. I worry that I will never forgive him. And I still, still wish that I was a parent. That I had ran away and cut contact and started new as a single parent somewhere he wouldn’t think to look. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.
I had been dating the boy I was supposed to marry. We had our whole lives planned out. We had been together since we were just kids. Then our world was flipped upside down. We found out we were pregnant right after my 17th birthday. Both our parents were going to absolutely lose it. We told them right before Christmas, and we were right. They instantly decided for us that the only option was abortion. His parents said they would send him away to live with relatives and we would never see each other again , my parents said I would be out on the streets with nothing. Even my boyfriend chose the parents side and I eventually had no one to support me. The appointment was scheduled for January 21st and there was no further discussion. My mother drove me that morning and I checked in. I remember everything from what I wore to sitting in the back room with all these other women waiting to be called. Everyone was older than me, from all different walks of life. I sat quietly with hot tears rolling down my face when the ultrasound person told me I was 8 weeks and 4 days. Afterwards I was so hurt and betrayed by everyone in my life that I couldn’t even look at my boyfriend anymore. He hadn’t stuck up for me or protected me! I hated myself and everyone involved. I broke up with the love of my life and married the next guy I met. I immediately got pregnant as a way to make it up to myself and I was never able to bond with my baby after she was born. This decision has affected so many things in every way. My mental health and family life. I have suffered with depression my entire adult life. I still see that boy and he is so unaffected and I just want to scream at him and make him go through 1/8th of what I have. It’s so unfair that he has been so unfazed.
My mom had me when she was young but at least she was married. Even then my grandmother was very open about how my mom wasn’t ready.. that she was close to 30 when she had kids and because my mom was so young the burden of raising me often fell on her. As I grew older my mom never expressed much interest in becoming a grandmother but made it clear every year that she was too young. I had wanted children but after my mom expressing this opinion and basically saying that I most likely wouldn’t be motherly (like her) I wasn’t sure if it was right for me. Year after year I also saw how harsh the world was and further questioned whether gaining a child was right for me. Around 16 I met my (now) husband and have basically been by his side since, except for a short break around 17. After getting back together, we dated for a few years before he proposed and moved into my grandmother’s house, which is where I had been staying at the time. We didn’t get married right away for a variety of reasons but simply put we decided we weren’t ready to take the steps that traditionally came thereafter (moving out, having kids,etc.). Soon after getting engaged, my grandfather passed away so I felt drawn to stay with my grandmother as she needed help and started to go down hill. This further changed my relationship with my (now) husband and postponed how possible wedding. At one point, he even expressed that he didn’t see the big deal in getting married because it was just a piece of paper and he didn’t think we were ready to buy a house… “what would change? Then we found out I was pregnant. Even though I had been religiously on birth control, there was a lapse in my dose considering the stress and distractions I was experiencing.. I was hysterical and unsure how I was going to face the shame of getting pregnant before marriage.. being so careless.. and how I could possibly be a mother when everybody seemed to think it was impossible. He looked at me and asked, “what are we going to do?” I thought to myself ‘I don’t know” and verbally said “I can’t do it.” He said “okay” as if to give his consent to take care of it (get and abortion). I just remember thinking how low and scared I felt. There wasn’t even a thought that I’d have any support and if the father wasn’t confident (either) then I wasn’t. Soon after finding out and determining we would “take care of it”, I found out what I needed to do and took the proper steps.. along the way not telling anybody or looking back. To this day I never told any of my family but since then I got married to him and had a child. What I did is with me every day.. sometimes I look at my son and think about how I could have an eight year old if I didn’t end its life. I don’t even know if it would have been a boy or girl. Overall, I regret not having the strength to go on because now I realize how precious conception is.. as not everybody has the opportunity.. for some it’s a miracle and it took 7 years for me to experience it again. Thank God and thank him for the heathy baby boy he has given me.. even after spitting in his face the first time. Being a mother is what I was meant to be, even if others don’t think so.. God thinks so.
Making the decision to end my baby’s life seemed like the easiest thing I’d ever done. Even though I had wanted to be pregnant, I was completely shocked to find out I was. Going to the college health service was one of the worst things I’ve ever done. There, a woman of a different race told me that an abortion could help me learn a lot about the relationship I had with my boyfriend, that it might help me to see things more clearly. Later, I would realize that this woman “advising” me had probably never even been pregnant. She was just telling me propaganda. And I was believing it. I couldn’t help but wonder if she was encouraging me to get rid of my baby because of my race and the assumed race of my baby. She was not alone, however, in her encouragement for me to terminate my pregnancy. I had always just assumed I’d have an abortion if I got pregnant. A doctor had once told my mother, when I was a teenager and thought I was pregnant, that it wouldn’t be difficult to just “go in and get it out.” Unfortunately, I was surrounded by “friends” who’d had abortions and seemed unscathed by the experience. One had just had an abortion, being that her boyfriend at the time was a waiter and she didn’t think he was making enough money. Another “friend” got pregnant a few months before her wedding and got that baby out of her so that she could wear her wedding dress. Another had an abortion with her future husband, being that she was still in school. Nobody seemed to have any regrets. So, I figured I could do it, too. I had my baby daughter killed on Good Friday, 1996. The abortionist and his helpers were no help. I said something about being nervous and an older nurse smiled at me and said, “It’s just nerves.” Later, I would realize that it wasn’t “just nerves,” but rather, it was my baby’s attempt to save her life. If only I’d waited a few days, but I was trying to get the procedure done as quickly as possible. I was never the same. My boyfriend stayed with me, although we had killed his baby. I went into trauma, dumped my sweet boyfriend that I loved, and immediately started sleeping with a guy I ended up marrying. He and I have three children together, and are now considering divorce, as I was in trauma as I started dating him. I tried to make him into the father of my daughter and that pressure to make him into another person placed a tremendous strain on our marriage. I began to drink a lot of alcohol. I miss my daughter. She would be almost 27 now. I did something so wrong to my sweet boyfriend and his family. I am so sorry. My boyfriend is a genius and I can’t help but wonder what our baby would be like now. I’m so sorry I will never know that on this earth. Yes, it seemed like such an easy decision. Killing my baby seemed like the right decision. I realize now that the only reason it seemed that way was because of the massive amount of pro-abortion propaganda. God has forgiven me, but sometimes, it is tough to forgive myself. What have we gotten to as a society, where it’s okay and even encouraged to kill a baby? Please take some time and ask God for advice. I certainly wish I had done that.
I completed one post-abortion group study at a pregnancy center and one post-abortion weekend retreat. I have read post-abortion books and went to individual therapy. Nothing helps in the long run. These things help temporarily but the pain and grief always comes back. In a lot of ways I have my life “together”. I completed my bachelors degree, I work a full time job teaching, and my husband and I have a good marriage. I was born again five years ago and a lot of things in my life have been completely renewed since. I am very active in the anti-abortion movement and speak out against abortion. But deep down the pain and grief of what I did when I was eighteen is still present. A lot of trauma that I have been through I have healed from, but the abortion does not feel like that. I believe the other trauma was much easier to heal from because it involved me being the pure victim. With my abortion, even though I may have been victimized in some ways, I ultimately was the one that committed the evil against someone else, my child. It’s much harder to forgive yourself for evil you consented to then it is to heal from others hurting you. I know I have been forgiven through Christ but regardless that dark hole of a feeling always seems to creep up once again.