Unrelenting guilt

50 years ago I had an abortion. It was not because I was in an abusive relationship, or had been raped, or was being forced somehow to do this. I had this abortion performed simply out of cowardice because I was afraid of my parents, afraid of others’ reactions, didn’t want this to be happening to me, and i did not take responsibility. I have the seemingly entrenched belief, still today, that I am a murderer and unworthy. I have no respect for myself, deep down, though I have done many wonderful things in my life, and the trajectory of much of my life has been dictated by this event 50 years ago. I love all beings, especially children, and I have no children, choosing relationships that would not include having children. I have been unable to feel free enough to acknowledge and become my authentic self, and to integrate this overwhelming guilt, despite years of spiritual practice, giving to others, helping others, practicing self compassion. I am looking for the missing action I need to take to achieve some relief.