50 years ago I had an abortion. It was not because I was in an abusive relationship, or had been raped, or was being forced somehow to do this. I had this abortion performed simply out of cowardice because I was afraid of my parents, afraid of others’ reactions, didn’t want this to be happening to me, and i did not take responsibility. I have the seemingly entrenched belief, still today, that I am a murderer and unworthy. I have no respect for myself, deep down, though I have done many wonderful things in my life, and the trajectory of much of my life has been dictated by this event 50 years ago. I love all beings, especially children, and I have no children, choosing relationships that would not include having children. I have been unable to feel free enough to acknowledge and become my authentic self, and to integrate this overwhelming guilt, despite years of spiritual practice, giving to others, helping others, practicing self compassion. I am looking for the missing action I need to take to achieve some relief.
In 2003 I got pregnant at the age of 31 years old. I had a first born, newborn son (he was less than one year old)and was not very wealthy or financially stable due to prior issues with addiction. The father of the child wanted me to get an abortion due to his fear that my prior using and some using at the time of pregnancy might possibly have caused some defect to the child. My family immediately encouraged me to get the abortion and with all these pressures and demands, I got the abortion within the first six weeks of pregnancy against my true inner feelings about abortion. My reasons were purely to appease people on a superficial level under the guise that it was responsible when in reality it was based on their belief that I was not a worthy mother or person . There was no merit to their judgment and I sacrificed my beliefs to appease others. I received no proper counseling prior to this decision to abort that could have resolved this blatant disregard of my truest desires. Even though me and the father would not have stayed together, I really did want that baby to live. I value life. After the abortion I was so spiritually empty inside that I could hardly function or find happiness. I felt like a heartless murdered because deep down I knew the reasons to abort were really just plain superficial and did not have any genuine reason to take a life. For almost 2 decades now I live with such intense regret that it reaffirms to me that my decision was just simply not justified. I won’t go into details of all the mental and spiritual anguish I suffered from this decision but it has been so awful that I know having the baby despite society’s opinion of me would have been better for me and of course the baby and the baby would have been a bright addition to the world we live in. Right now there is such heated debate about constitutional rights and the right of a woman to get body but the founders of our nation and framers of our constitution all agreed that these fundamental protections do not apply if there is a harm caused to self or others. Superficial reasons for abortion ( which 90 % of abortions are for superficial reasons) not only harms/kills the child but also harms the mother that has to live with the decision for eternity. I cannot change my past but my living amends today to that dear child is to share my testimony and hope that it saves the life of another child.
I had an unwanted Abortion on March 27,1973 at Elmhurst General Hospital. It was my cousin Carol’s third birthday. I was ordered to undergo the Abortion by my Father. He wasn’t my Birth Father, but my Adoptive father. I was adopted when his wife couldn’t have children due to a emergency hysterectomy. The hystermectomy was a complete one~ They took everything. They turned to Louise Wise Adoption Agency in New York State,it’s now Spence-Chapin. And is still operating. When I became pregnant I thought my parents would say “you’ll have the child and then give it up” Boy oh boy was I ever wrong about that. My Father ordered me to abort the child ! I wasn’t even given a choice or asked what I wanted to do. After it happened, it was never talked about or even mentioned again. In February of 1973 my mother suffered a massive stroke. And she passed on September 29,1974. Inbetween my Abortion and her stroke my Parents & I took a wonderful trip to Israel. Something happened while in Israel~ The first visit to the Wailing Wall I didn’t shed a tear. The second time was a different story. I had an epathiny in the Chtuch of the Holy Selepchure I ran my fingertips across the stone where Jesus is said to have lain and I felt a spark go thru my fingertips and thru my whole body~Especially thru my closed heart. The second time at the Wall I cried tears for my son. I know that Jesus has forgiven me for what I did~ My problem is I can’t forgive myself. And I’ll NEVER forgive my father~ I just hope he’s in HELL where he belongs for his betrayal of me. My son’s father who I kept the secret of his abortion has known since I told him in 2011. On his Birthday of all days !~ I told him “How can I forget your birthday or the day I aborted our son ?” He was shocked I had kept ir a secret for 38 years !!!! He’s forgiven me and still loves me. My son’s name is Jason Alan Baylen, who be turning 45 this fall.
I am currently a Single Mother of 2 Little Boys; with sole custody of both. In short, my current situation: I am a part time pre-Nursing student and a full-time Mother. I am currently unable to financially provide for my boys (without help) and several years ago when I had my firstborn child, I was given the option to move back in with my parents verses an assisted housing unit, so I did.
I will not go into too much detail about my past relationships with either of my sons fathers but the relationship that I had with my first sons father was full of: manipulation and both emotional and physical abuse. When I fell pregnant with our son back in 2010, my family informed me that they thought the best option for everyone involved would be to abort the child. With my strong Pro-Life stance, I could not even fathom how they would want me to commit such an awful act and I did not even think twice about it. In my head, there was “NO” way that I was going to abort my baby. I could go on and on about the many abusive situations that I experienced via my oldest’s sons father but it was not until I was 8 months pregnant and he dragged me down the stairs that I realized that I not only wanted/needed to end our relationship; BUT that first and foremost, my unborn son deserved better and so did I! One day when my sons father was at work; I decided to move out all of my belongings and moved back in with my parents. The day that our son was born, he did come to the hospital but was not supportive or excited in the least bit. The night our son was born the hospital informed me that only one person was allowed to stay the night with me and with my Mom having been the only other person present at the birth; as much as she despised him because of all that he had put me through, she said “It is your son, so you can stay the night.” His response “No…you can stay; I rather go home and sleep with my dog and come back in the morning.” What kind of person has a child and wants to go home and sleep with their dog? This is when I knew for sure that our relationship could not continue. Luckily, for everyone involved; when our son was 6 weeks old, his father decided that the best thing for everyone would be if he terminated his parental rights. Sure, I could not understand the desire to not be in your child’s life (i don’t think that I ever will) and I was a somewhat scared first time mother with raging hormones going on; but I felt blessed knowing that our son would never have to endure the emotional and physical abuse that I experienced via his father.
For the first year of my son’s life I stayed home. First of all, I chose to breastfeed. Second of all, I wanted to be present for the first everything; from his first word, to his first steps to his first hair cut and so on. Soon after a year, I took steps to move forward in my life, so that I could improve our situation. I took an intensive CNA course and got my CNA certificate and began working in a Nursing Home. And I chose to step out of the dating world because I had a tendency of dating “Bad Boys.” Not necessarily by choice but their seemed to be a mutual attraction. Maybe a better way to describe my attraction was attractive men that were great at sweet talking; you know, the kind that swoop you off your feet in a heartbeat and make you feel your the best thing that ever happened to them, at least until they get what they want! Anyways, because of this…I decided to keep the focus on my #1 Guy (well boy, lol), which was my son. I had 1 close guy friend; which I met about 3 yrs previous to having my son, which remained my friend. Even before falling pregnant with my son; he was the ‘only’ guy that was there for me to tell me that I deserved better, when my sons Dad would go out partying, while I stayed home doing laundry and the only guy that was there to support me and tell me I was too beautiful to deserve the abuse I was receiving, when my sons Dad beat me up so bad that I looked like I got hit by a car. After I had my son, we hung out on and off; usually going out to eat or to a local park, where my son could play while we just talked about life. Sometimes we would just quietly sit and smile at each other, while watching my son play. But although I previously had strong feelings for him, it was not until my son was almost 18 months old, that we kissed one day. It was the first time that I had been hugged or kissed by any man in almost 2 years and I think I instantly fell in love, if I wasn’t already. Even still, it was not until about 6 months later that we were casually hanging out and decided to take our relationship to another level. The sex was mutually desired and it was a “heat of the moment” situation; I am NOT going to deny the fact that he informed me that he did not have protection and although I am NOT dumb; I was ignorant and thought “I had sex with my oldests sons father for almost 3 years before I even got pregnant, it’s not going to happen in one time!” And boy, was I wrong, because obviously I did! A few weeks after we had sex and I informed that I was pregnant, he was extremely excited that we were going to have a Baby together. So was I! That was until a couple months into the pregnancy when he got scared and was like “We can’t afford a Baby…I’m going to have to sell drugs or something; so that we can by.” I was like “WHAT THE F*&K; sell drugs??? I already have a Baby that is my life and there are plenty of other resources, like getting a legal job for one, so that we can get by.” I was not going to inform my family about the pregnancy but I figured that they would realize my diet changed and/or that there was pre-natal pills in the medicine cabinet and just be even madder than if I told them the truth, so I did! I knew they would be upset but my older son had been such a joy to our family; I was not expecting the “you can’t keep this Baby” conversation to come up again. In addition, I knew they already know my outlook on the situation (life begins at conception) and so all hell broke loose amongst my immediate family. I come from a family where my parents and most of my Aunts and Uncles got married as teenagers and have 2 or 3 kids together and our still together 30+ years later; so the idea of having a: daughter, sister, niece, etc…with 2 children from 2 different fathers, neither which I was married too, was appalling. In their heads, they thought “This can’t happen! You can’t support two kids on your own, as a CNA. Imagine what people will think of you, if you have two kids from two different Dads? If you think it was hard to find a good Man before all this; wait until you meet a guy and he finds out your kids have different fathers.” And in my head, I knew I had a tough road ahead of me; but I was like “WTF, our family acts like we have this ‘cookie cutter/Brady Bunch’ family & though we sure as hell do a good job of appearing that way on the outside, we don’t!!! So who the hell cares if my kids have different fathers, there are worse things in life.” I decided to keep my Baby and I do NOT regret my decision at all. After he was born, I knew I had to do something to move forward in my life. I first discovered a local church, which has been extremely supportive community and good spiritual outlet for me and soon after, I decided to go to Nursing School. Yes, there has been sleepless nights and lots of tears; but I do not regret either of my Babies!!! Not to use them as band-aids but they both have changed my life around for the best, in different ways.
Now comes the story of my abortion; which occurred in August. So, amongst taking my pre-reqs in Nursing School; I became very close friends with a fellow pre-Nursing student. We started out as friends, decided to take a few courses together and somewhere along the way, fell hard for each other and then began dating. Unlike the majority of my past dates, he WAS very sweet to me; it was clear that he did NOT just want sexual relations; he spent a great deal of time with me (most of that time having been fun) and a big bonus for me (as it has not been typical with past dates) my family actually likeD him; eventually I let him meet my children and over time they seemed to build an attachment with him too. We have been friends for about a year and a half but had only been dating since April; I was on the birth control pill and when I discovered I was pregnant a few weeks ago…all of that took a turn for the worst. He became very emotionally abusive to me, became distant from my children and began saying things to me, like “You are lucky to have me because most guys would want nothing to do with you, knowing that you have two kids from two different men.” The following day after discovering I was pregnant, I was like “It would so NOT be fair (especially to my children), to bring another child into this family” and I could already see that our relationship was going downhill and becoming emotionally abusive, so I knew this was not the man that I want to stay with and raise 3 kids with. This might seem rhetorical (as I did get an abortion) BUT I am the Pro-Life girl; the one that feels strongly that life begins at conception and the girl that got kicked out of an Ethics debate because my Pro-Life stance was/IS still strong!!! So anyways, my first thought was “I am going to have to put this Baby up for adoption.” I immediately called a Pregnancy Hotline number which discussed the obvious 3 Options: Parenting, Adoption & Abortion and then they connected me to an adoption agency. The lady from the hotl!
ine informed me that if the father does not consent (which he said there was no way he would) than it is not even an option! I cried and cried and cried! I thought “what the hell am I going to tell my parents! how am I going to afford to raise 3 kids when I am already struggling to raise 3” BUT in my heart; I feel abortion is monstrous, so I did not even think about that route. I ended up telling my parents and over the course of the week, being in my house was like an emotional hell. Comments were consistently thrown out at me, like: “Don’t you think people are going to think your a slut if you have 3 kids from 3 men?”; “If you love the 2 kids that you already have then you won’t be selfish by keeping this Baby; when your not even financially stable enough to take care of the two you have.” And the list went on!!! My Mother even threatened that she would do everything she could to take my other children away if I kept this Baby. I relentlessly sobbed my eyes out, while hyper-ventilating, asking “Why…why would you do that? I may have made a bad choice; but I am NOT a bad Mother. I don’t drink, party, smoke. I am in school working towards a Nursing degree and when I am not in school, I spend quality time with my children.” She screamed at me until she was Blue in the Face, while pointing her finger about 1/2 an inch from my face, saying “If you give a fuck about anyone except yourself than you will get an abortion.” When my older brother found out about the situation, he said the same! He was like “It is not fair that our parents are helping you to raise the two kids that you already have and you are being selfish if you decided to keep this Baby! If you love those two little boys than you will realize that you already have two children to care for and you can’t add another one.” I reminded them that they said all of these things about my other two children, insisting that they would ruin my life; when in reality they turned it around for the better. If it wasn’t for me wanting to improve my life circumstances, for the sake of my two beautiful boys, than I would probably still be in and out of abusive relationships and living my life on the edge. I also told them that they need to sit back and realize that despite the fact that there has been plenty of sleepless nights and tears when Im struggling to afford diapers or something; in no way, shape or form; have either of my children ruined anyone’s life!!! BUT no one gave a damn about what I had to say. I asked them to sit down and look at the situation objectively and analyze all the possible outcomes if I was to keep the Baby and then all the possible outcomes if I were not to. Anyways, I don’t think anyone did that but myself! This past Sunday night, my brother drove all the way from a different state and while I sat on the couch crying saying that “There is no way I can do this because I am not that type of person!” ; for three hours he screamed in my face telling me that “If you give a shit about anyone else but yourself than you will do this.” Then on Monday Morning, as he drove me to Planned Parenthood, as I cried saying I can’t do this; he did the same! I know that at the end of the day I had to make a choice myself but I feel like I was driven to make a choice that (other people wanted) through manipulation, shame, guilt and abuse. I will not lie that the stories I read online about Planned Parenthood being a hostile environment and the staff being unsympathetic and not caring about their patients are not true; however I don’t think they give an accurate description of how you might feel afterwards. I think they just do their end of the job and then once the abortion is over with; they feel the situation is over! And it is for them BUT not for you!!!
I know my situation occurred only a few months ago but I also know that I feel way more guilt & shame than I would have if I kept the Baby. I feel like a Monster Mom!!! I feel like I do not deserve my own life or Gods love & forgiveness because I did such an awful thing. I know I have 2 beautiful children to stay alive for; but every time that I look at a picture of them, I imagine a little Baby next to them. And I keep thinking about what would have been or could have been. And if it was a girl or a boy (in my heart it was girl). Yesterday, I was sipping on a coffee at a cafe and seemed ‘ok’ and then I psychologically heard my oldest sons voice, asking me “Mom, why did you do this?” and I started balling my eyes out!!! Obviously he does not know about this and for heaven’s sake, I hope that he never does but i can’t help my thoughts. And all the scientific crap that people throw out, like “Don’t worry it was just a blastocyst” does NOT make me feel any better; not one bit, at all!!!” These are thoughts and feelings that I am probably going to have to battle the rest of my life; while everyone else involved can go back to whatever they were doing before all this and continue to live their life; while I have to try and keep myself alive and not take the easy way out, to escape the voices in my head! I pray all the time that I will cross paths with a loving Godly man that will love my children like his own but what Godly man is going to love a woman that let the opposition get to her and had an abortion?
I survived and abortion in the womb, got raped and was forced to have one as a teen. No one seemed to care so I worked in a clinic for a few years after to deal with the … from it. Top it off, I recently found out I have aborted siblings. My brain can’t handle the heart ache but God is walking thru with me when others refuse to.
Its 3 am and iam thinking about my 3 babies In heaven. I think about them all the time. It hurts me to the core. I dont think I can ever forgive myself. About 4 years ago I had my last abortion (3rd one) I was married with 2 kids and had gotten pregnant again and agani and again. In total I had 3 abortions. My ex husband was an alcoholic and didnt work and my relationship was not only hard with him but with his family as well. Each time I found out I was pregnant I felt like I wasnt ready to be a mother again. I didn’t stop and think about the baby inside me at all. I was cold and selfish since I was the breadwinner this was just going to be to much for me to handle, atleast I thought. So, abortion was a good choice for me at least I thought. Abortion was going to make everything go away and when I had every single one I never stopped to think what I had really done. Until, about 3 years ago when I learned what I had done. I killed my children, my innocent babies. They needed me to love, protect and hold them but instead I aborted them. Its painful my heart aches. I cry when I think about it. If only I could go back in time and save my babies. Iam a terrible mother, I picture my babies holding hands and playing in heaven and I tell them iam so, so sorry babies I love yall so much..having an abortions didnt make what was a problem or mistake dissappear because thats what I thought at the time. Having these abortions made me a mother to 3 dead babies. I have 3 babies in heaven. I mourn for my babies all the time. God I ask that u help me heal from this pain I suffer from. My heart aches for my babies. After my 3 abortions I met this wonderful man who is actually prolife and I learned even more about abortions. Despite my abortions God gave me a gift, the greatest gift ever a baby boy who I named Andrew. I have 3 kids and pregnant with my 4th one. Ia determined to give my children the life I took from my other babies. To do things right for them. Although iam still in great pain and will !
probably be in this great for a long time. I know God forgives me I just have to forgive my self. I cant change what wrongs I have done In my past but I can make my future with my kids and husband better.
I am 30 years old. I started dating my boyfriend in June 2012. By that October, we foud out that I was pregnant. We sort of have spoken about the posibility for me getting pregnant and we decided to get an abortion if that would happen in the next few years, because our current circumstances (we were not even living together and he was just starting his carrer, I finished mine on 2005 and had a stable job at that time). I was informed that I was 6 weeks pregnant and we immediately contacted a clinic to schedule the abortion.
We were not even thinking about the impact that it would cause on our lives, we just took the oportunity to do it the easy way. I remember that from the very moment I was told that my baby was inside of me, I automatically felt different (not physically, because my symptoms started about 2 weeks before my conception date), but in my soul and mind I was absolutely certain that I was in a very different condition of mind and spirit, eventhough I forced myself not to establish an emotional connection with my little baby. My boyfriend was not connected either, not even aware of all that was happening and changing in between.
The procedure was as easy as I can remember. I took about 4 pills and some pain medication and my baby was gone at 8 weeks of pregnancy.
After that I remember falling in a deep dark hole of emotions that I didn’t understand. I went on with my normal life with my boyfriend and very slowly, that wound has been healing. In that process I realized that I agreed to quit my baby for the sole reason to keep my boyfriend by my side, but it was not worthy at all. Don’t get me wrong, I love him still, but to have that heavy weight on my shoulders is just too much to handle everyday.
After one year and a half we now live together and have a very busy life. I can’t say that I am the happy person that I used to be and I just can help thinking of my baby and what would have happened if I would have chosen another path. Guilt is now in my heart since I realized that I failed terribly at the only thing a mother is supposed to do: to protect the life of her precious child.
I pray for forgiveness and desesperately to be able to be a mother one day.