I sit writing this with tears and feeling such pain. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Sure there are many times over the years that I have thought of that dreadful day when I made the decision to end my child’s life but it’s been 27 years and the pain and regret still doesn’t leave me and I know it never will.
This is my story. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 20 years old. My boyfriend at the time was in college and didn’t want a child. I was 1400 miles living away from my family and didn’t know what to do so I ended up doing the only thing I could do with no money and no job I called home. Mom and dad sent me money to come home and that’s what I did. So there I was surrounded by my family and still “my problem” remained. I was scared and confused. My parents were in favor of me having an abortion. My friends thought it was best. So I reached out to planned parenthood. They gave me all the information I needed. I was 10 weeks along that day when I went for my “procedure.” As I waited in that waiting room with my mom I could hear the cries of other women who had gone in before me. Part of me wanted to run but mostly I just wanted it to be over.
It was now my turn to go in. They gave me 2 Motrin beforehand and told me to relax. All I could do was cry. They told me I still had time to wait if I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through with it but I said no. The cramping hurt so bad and then in a matter of minutes it was over. They told me not to look over at the machine they used. Then I was sent to a room to have crackers and juice and to talk with someone. Then I was sent home. I cried all that night and had terrible cramping. I knew what I did was wrong. That night I got on my knees and prayed to God to forgive me.
Time moved on and I went on with life trying to forget about what I had done. I got a job as a waitress and met my now husband. We got married and I got pregnant with my first baby boy. We started going to church and I became a born again believer. Jesus is my Lord and Savior. Hallelujah! When I became a believer is when I recognized that I was a sinner and it really made me think about my abortion. I ended up going to counseling which helped me so much. I know that I have been forgiven by God the day I believed in him and acknowledged that I am a sinner and that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and that someday he is going return and I will have eternal life. I have been blessed with an amazing husband and 5 wonderful boys. I now I have 3 daughter in laws and a beautiful granddaughter and another grand baby on the way. Praise the Lord! That being said the memory of my abortion and the pain remains like on this night.
For any of you that may read this and are hurting I’m so sorry but know you are not alone. If you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and savior all you have to is call upon Him. Acknowledge you are a sinner and believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved. You will be forgiven. May God bless each and every one of you and know that He is holding all of our babies in His care.
I was 32 and had three daughters. I originally belong to a country in South Asia. I got pregnant. With every daughter, my mother would ask me why I didn’t have a genetic procedure where a male baby could be guaranteed and placed in my womb. I was told that my village people were talking about how doomed I was with having all girls. When I got pregnant, I was afraid that I would have another girl and my mom would get upset again why I hadn’t had the genetic sex selection procedure done. Also, my husband would travel all the time and I was looking after three children. I had pre partum depression and I was scared of my mom’s disappointment. I drove myself to the abortion center. It was a cold facility where a doctor sucked the baby out of me. Later, I came home and cried. The devastation didn’t take years to hit me. It hit me right there and then that night. I would do anything to go back and not abort. For years, I have compartmentalized that memory so that it doesn’t hit me. I look forward to my next life when I will be reunited with that child that I killed because I was afraid that it would be a girl and that my mother would keep harassing me. Oh God forgive me. Ameen. I wish the choice to abort didn’t exist so that I hadn’t used it. I will apologize to this child in heaven if I see them. Other than that, I just shield that memory in a dark close room in my brain because if I remember, I can’t function in life.
It’s been almost a year since the abortion. My dad died in October 2020 then his father died last May (2021). The guy I had been seeing wasn’t my boyfriend and things were complicated. We did everything but put a label on things and I always knew he wasn’t trying to be with me. I had always been pro choice but never thought I would be able to abort my child. After all the loss I encountered in less than a year, to find out I was 20 and pregnant with no family support… was terrifying. My partner told me he wasn’t ready to be a dad and didn’t seem interested in anything but being able to have unprotected sex with me since I was already pregnant… I felt objectified and so bad for this child. How would I love this baby, be a good mom, and handle all the grief???? I know I can’t rely on my partner and I can barely rely on myself, so I made the quick decision. Once I found out I was pregnant, I felt that baby’s presence. Maybe that sounds silly, but when you know you know. I was only 5 weeks, but it stays on my mind everyday. Luckily my friend drove me to the clinic but my partner didn’t even text or call for many hours after the appointment. Didn’t show up, didn’t help pay, just didn’t care. Even though I was grieving, and still am, I sometimes wish I didn’t make that decision. I would’ve had my first Mother’s Day this year and I already loved the small fetus I was carrying. I really hope one day I will see them in heaven and have happy and healthy children while I’m here.
When I was about 30 I met a girl in my hometown. Her best quality was that she was very smart. But she was also very fertile. Within a few months of dating she got pregnant despite having taken the day after pill. She went to the doctor and ended it with an abortion pill while it was still at a very young stage. I never knew the gender, and still think about that one.
We continued to date and eventually she got pregnant again, this time with twins. She asked me if I wanted to be a co-parent with her since she thought it was too much to abort again. I was shocked and was upset and asked her to take care of it like the first time. She refused and said that she wanted to keep the babies. She said that twins were special. I felt like my life was being torn apart. Over the weeks we continued to talk on a daily basis and I warmed up to the idea. We never met after she became pregnant again, but through talking with her I came to see the special gift I was given to have twins. We we discussed raising them together. She had an ultrasound and they were going to be twin boys. We discussed names, and they were going to have different versions of my first name.
I was excited, and actually wanted them.
Suddenly it seemed that she had a change of heart and decided that being a mom would interrupt her schooling, despite that she had three associates degrees. She came up with a number of excuses for why she did not want the twins. I was confused, and it felt like the roles had reversed. Now I was trying to convince her to keep them. I tried to convince her that we could do it and our families could handle it. But she had changed her mind and I just didn’t fight hard enough. She told me that she wanted to be married, and I should have just told her yes. I regret allowing her to do it. I regret giving her money to do it. I regret not fighting harder and yelling no louder.
I knew the day it was going to happen. I was planning on intercepting her at the planned parenthood office to see her and talk to her. I was going to beg with her not to do it, and convince her that we could be a family. But I couldn’t find her. I got a message later stating “they are gone”, which was a profoundly sad experience.
I saw visions of myself reaching out to two babies who were receding away into white light. I had nightmares with images of babies with x’s on their eyes. It deeply affected me and I was a complete mess. I could only repeatedly think for the next year that I had babies and they died. I could hear them asking me why I didn’t want them.
It turns out that after she got pregnant with twins she had traveled out of state to Oklahoma to be with her ex-boyfriend without telling me and got the abortion there. She also got pregnant yet again with her ex within a couple of months after she aborted my twins.
This has screwed up my life, and I have been thinking of this daily for the last seven years. It continuously haunts me. Sometimes I wonder if heaven is real. I hope my twin baby boys are with my mom in heaven. Sometimes I wonder if I should just commit suicide to be with them. I know that my mom forgives me in the afterlife, but I know that they do not. Sometimes I think that I don’t deserve to live. They were innocent beings who did nothing wrong. The girl was manipulative, but I also caused some of that. I probably caused her to leave the state to go to her ex. I was at fault for not doing better and for not fighting harder for my babies.
My advice is:
– If you have a feeling that you might regret something, it is a guarantee that you are going to regret it.
– Don’t have sex with someone you aren’t willing to marry.
– Abortion is not an easy way out.
The trauma of this is scarring, even years later. If you have a conscience then abortion is not for you.
I found out i was pregnant 11 months ago. As a teenager it is one of the worst things to go through. I took that text and immediately my whole world came crashing down. I waited about two weeks until i told my mom. It was the toughest thing seeing my mothers heart break in seconds. I had no idea what to do. My mom immediately told me i need to have an abortion. The thought of me aborting my child made me sick to my stomach. She gave me the option either i get an abortion or she will never help me with anything ever again. I was on my own… Later on i told the father and he was so consumed with himself he had no idea i was going through the same thing he was. He wanted me to have an abortion as well. I had no support. So i did what everyone else wanted me to do and i had the abortion. I went to the appointment by myself i did it all by myself. I was in so much pain all i could do is curl up in a ball and cry and throw up from the pain. I went through a loss and
so much pain for what? To make others happy? My child is gone. I wish i never did it. I wish i said “screw you” to everyone. My baby would’ve been two months old today. I don’t care about anyones ”wants for me”. i just want my baby back. If you ever go through the same thing as me please please do what you know in your heart is right for yourself. Never let anyone make your life changing decisions because i can tell you one thing i will always morn the loss of what could’ve been my baby’s life
Since I can’t tell anyone this out loud, I guess I will tell it to this website and anyone who reads this. I can’t tell them what to do but I can tell my story, which is sadly that I had more than one abortion. The first time I was 21 and with a man much older than I – and I was madly in love with him. He apologized for forcing me into it and said he knew he was coercing me, but if I didn’t have the abortion he would never see me again or marry me. I told him I was afraid of going to hell and that we had the financial means and there was really no excuse but that made no difference to him. It was do this or lose him and I was young and dumb enough to think he was more important. I am angry at him to this day that he wouldn’t even go with me. He still has no children 19 yes Later.
Later in life mental illness, now controlled by medication, often caused me to have poor judgment and act out, so I landed myself in the same situation. I went back and forth until I thought about killing myself – I felt I couldn’t do it again but I did due to enormous disapproval from my family (who has financial means to help) and my not wanting to deal with this man being in my life long term – not a good guy. At least I’m smart enough to pay attention to my body/cycle and realized immediately I was pregnant. I gave myself 10 days to decide – I was not going to have anywhere near a second trimester one if I was going to have one. I have no idea how someone could go through with it later than that. I didn’t want to be near the end of the first trimester. I was forced to be shown the ultrasound images, it has been over a decade since I saw them and they are still stuck in my mind. I can’t think about it. I can’t talk about it. I carry so much shame. I know my family would have come around when a baby showed up and would have been there for me emotionally and financially. I am blessed with two incredible children now. But when I suffered two miscarriages I told the nurse that I got my what I deserved – and I was broken. She said it doesn’t work that way and maybe it doesn’t, but I couldn’t shake it. I hope the Lord forgives me.
I had my abortions over 30 yrs ago, I really didn’t know it was a baby, I was told it was a clump of cells, I regret my decision, and lived with so much shame & regret, this was the worst decision of my life. I made my decision based on those temporary circumstances, thinking I had no hope. All those circumstances changed , I should have fought for my Children.