This is the second time I decided to write a testimonial because as I navigate my regret and grief, I am hoping that someone finds this as they are making a decision and think “I don’t want to end up that way.” I don’t want anyone to feel how I am feeling ever, let alone on a daily basis.
In 3 short months it will be a year since my abortion. Every day has been filled with anguish. The adjectives sometimes seem undermining to how it actually feels. It is truly indescribable. It is a constant battle raging in my mind. “Why did I let him talk me into it?’
So far I have missed the stages of my pregnancy, the preparation for welcoming my baby into the world, finding out if it would have been a she or he, what name we would have picked out, the birth of my child, bonding with my child, what they would have looked like and the unconditional love I would have had for my baby. I will never experience any of that. My baby is dead.
The only thing I have gained out of this situation is depression, PTSD, antidepressant medication, crying spells, grief, regret, shame and I carry those with me every second of every day. I feel like ever since my abortion, I am a completely different person. I lost myself, and I miss the person I was. I am not the same and never will be.
My baby should have been born in October. Instead, I went to a retreat for abortion regret. I do have to say, it was the first time I did not feel alone with this. Seeing other women who are in the same position as I am made me feel like I could take a step forward, and I did. I am learning to live with it. But, on days like today, the grief is so overwhelming and it hits you so hard and then you are back to reality.
My boyfriend wanted me to get the abortion. Even though I pleaded against it, he still did not change his mind. I didn’t want to force him into a situation he didn’t want to be in. So I did it. I should have been stronger and went with what was best for “me.” On the flip side of that coin, I told him exactly how I felt, why did my partner not protect me from all this pain? Why did he want me to go through with this? It is something I am still constantly asking my self. I don’t get how a person claims to love you, but would be willing to have you take on pain for them….I look at other happy couples and think about the women, “how lucky are they to be with someone who would never ask them to abort a baby. How lucky are they to never be put in a situation like that?” I am jealous of these women. They have no idea how blessed they are to never carry a burden such as this.
He acts like it didn’t matter and that we did not create a baby or a heartbeat together. What he doesn’t know is that I live with the mental image of the abortionist carrying way a tray with my baby in it and throwing it in a biohazard bin like trash. My baby, my beautiful baby with a beautiful healthy heartbeat, in the trash. My heart aches everyday.
I want my baby back, I should be holding them and looking at how beautiful they are, and knowing that even though it is currently a tough situation, we would get through it together. I should have been a mother to my baby. How weak was I to let a man tell me what to do with my body, and my baby.
I know my pain over this will be life long, but, I am hoping that my experience is an example to help someone realize that they are worthy of being a mother, and that they are capable of anything. In return, they will get to meet their baby and gain the love of their child. To them, you will be everything. I beg, please do not end up like me, or any of these women. We are here to tell you, abortion not only takes away your baby, it takes away the person you are, how you view the world and your life. It is not the answer. You are stronger than you think, you can give your baby life.
In 2005, when I was 23, I recently moved to GA from IL and I met a guy online who was very attractive, a recent college grad and someone who I was interested in getting to know long term. I was a very responsible person who was finishing my bachelors degree, working full time and was not promiscuous. The night of January 28th he came to my apartment to pick me up, and we went out to local bar/restaurant and had drinks and appetizers. When we left we could barely walk to the car since the parking lot was a sheet of ice, as a result I spent the night at his place since there was a severe ice storm. We had sex that night, I asked him to use protection but now I don’t believe he did or at least not the entire time. His friend gave me a ride home the next morning and over the next month we didn’t see each other and I was hoping we would since I was interested in him, but I didn’t feel he was interested in me and left it at that. Then I went home to visit my family and I felt so strange at a hair salon where my friend was getting her hair done and then we went to eat our favorite pizza that we always finished and I ate two pieces. The next day I found out my younger sister was unexpectedly pregnant and I felt tired and decided to take a test for piece of mind. Instantly the test was positive. I couldn’t have any emotion since I couldn’t tell anyone in family and I drove 12 hours straight to GA, thinking about how to tell the father of my baby and what his reaction would be. I didn’t know what his reaction would be but I knew his response was going to largely impact any decision I made. I got home and called him and he was silent. I needed someone to support me and he said nothing. I waited a week hoping he would take some time to process the news and call me, he didn’t. Alone with no one to turn to, I found an abortion website and picked the one that looked the nicest, knowing nothing about abortion. I called and scheduled an appointment. I was still in shock that I was pregnant, the night before the abortion I took another test since I felt like I was living someone else’s life and there was no doubt I was pregnant . I was so tired I could barely stay awake. The night before, I stayed up all night crying, telling my baby how sorry I was, holding my belly and telling myself I have no choice and that this is something I will have to be tough enough to live with forever. I felt I had no choice. I didn’t feel my family would support me, I got no response from my baby’s father, and I felt like I had to make a decision quick as my baby was developing fast. Another man who I was friends with took me to the clinic on 3/9/05, the people there thought the baby’s was his since he had to sit in the waiting room and drive me home. Northside Women’s clinic is Chamblee,GA. That was the single worst day of my life. I paid for the abortion with my credit card. Before I was put to sleep, they did an ultrasound, they turned the screen away so I couldn’t see the baby. I wanted nothing more than to rip the IV out and leave a place that was cold, barely spoke to me and make me feel like I had no choice. I woke up and my life was never the same. I was given a half glass of Coke, told to get dressed and given a pink slip. I got home and called the father and remember saying in anger it’s over. I just wanted my baby back and to this day, anything would have been better than abortion. I would have rather placed the baby for adoption, as difficult as than would have been. I was in such a dark place for so long after this, I named the baby Luke Michael, since Luke means light. I hooked back up with my baby’s father, but could never bring myself to tell him how I really felt about the baby. He once told me he didn’t believe me when I told him I was pregnant, but later he did when he heard my anger on the phone after the abortion. I continued having unprotected sex with him, wanting to get pregnant again and have another chance. I never got pregnant by him again and overtime I realized that nothing would bring Luke back and that I will always look at my baby’s father as my baby’s father and a relationship wasn’t going to happen between us even though we got along well. There was too much unspoken and I didn’t feel comfortable telling him about how I felt about the abortion because I was afraid he would dismiss me again or not understand. I will always regret not being stronger for my baby and not following my heart. For a long time, I couldn’t even look at babies, then it was sometimes the site of a little league field and now I see a student driver and I can’t help think of Luke. I have learned how to handle my feelings and grief as best as any women in my situation that faces it honestly can over the last 16 years. I think of Luke on the abortion and due date anniversaries. This is something that is with me everyday and someday I will tell my son and daughter about Luke because I never want them to go though this and another innocent baby to be killed. I hope to eventually be able to get involved with the prolife movement to make a difference and as a way of remembering Luke.
I don’t even know how I got to this site to be honest, but here I am sharing my story.
I was 20 when I had an abortion and my baby would have been 11 this year. I was in a relationship with an amazing guy for 2 years and we were so in love. When I found out I was expecting we were so excited and had so many plans for when baby comes, but something in my literally changed overnight.
I just woke up one day feeling so irritable with my then boyfriend and everything he did literally annoyed me. At this time I did not know that you become very hormonal and emotional when pregnant. I decided I did not want to have the baby as I was afraid of what people would say, what my mom would say even though my mom is the most understanding person I know. She would have accepted and loved my baby with all her heart. I decided that I wanted an abortion and that no one was going to change my mind. My boyfriend was against it and literally begged me not to do it. I was so strong willed and stupid that I went behind his back and planned everything. It was as if my humanity literally switched off.
I was at the time 5 months pregnant and because I was so far a long I had to have a procedure done. It was so painful and so traumatizing that I couldn’t walk for days. When my boyfriend found out what I did he was devastated. He was angry, which I don’t blame him. My sister supported me through all this, however I wish I had confided in someone with more experience of being pregnant and that was able to guide me and advise me against this. I now know that whatever we go though at a moment is temporary and that things will get better. I should have just waited it through for the 4 months and my baby would still have been here. I regret doing what I did and I will for the rest of my life. I do not encourage anyone who is thinking of doing this to go through with it as it will literally haunt you for the rest of your life.
To my baby, I have asked your forgiveness millions of times and I want you to know that I love you so much and I am so, so sorry for what I did. I know you are safe in the arms of God. I have even named her Nevaeh for her place of life is in Heaven.
I know you are scared. You are not alone. God is with you. I found out I was pregnant when I was 22. I was so scared because I didn’t have anyone I felt I could turn too. I wish I had the courage to go to my Church for guidance. I felt ashamed and never went to them for guidance. I wish I did go to my Church for guidance because maybe I would have changed my mind. I asked God to help me. He sent me a big sign. The Pope was in town for a visit that weekend I went home. I wished I listened to the sign. I had the abortion. I saw the picture of my little one they took before the procedure on my file from far away. After the procedure, I asked the nurse if i could see the picture again and she said no. I cried afterwards. The Doctor took my hand and said it just wasn’t meant to be right now. I just have the memory now in my mind of that photo. My Mom some how found out years later about the abortion. She wishes that I told her earlier when I was pregnant. I was so scared and couldn’t tell anyone. I’m now 48. My baby would have been 25 this year. I still feel guilt and sadness and anger that I wasn’t strong enough. I ask God to please forgive me and I ask my baby to please forgive me too. I love you so much my sweet sweet angel and miss you. God bless all those effected by this decision. It does change you. God bless!
Vanessa sweetie. God loves you. You are not alone. I know this is a scary time for you. Please go to your local Church. I wish I did that. I was so lost and needed guidance when I found out I was pregnant. I wish I went to my Church but I felt ashamed. You’re not alone. God is with you. I’m now 48 and I had an abortion at 22. My baby would have been 25. I ask God to forgive me and I ask my baby to forgive me. I love my baby and miss that sweet sweet angel.
In 2002 I found myself assisting in an abortion.I was in surgical technology school and I was at my clinic site, no one told me that this case was an abortion but I had an idea because everyone was whispering, before I made the conscious decision to go in I head a voice tell me that I will me judge on the last day for going inside this room. The procedure was very painful for the mother she was screaming like she was in torment. When they took this 20 week old baby boy out of his mother one of the nurses being trained at the time did not know this was an abortion so she started CPR one of the other nurses told her to stop, I felt bad for the student nurse no one told her it was an abortion, even though I had no part in the abortion me being present in the room and not stopping it put me in the same place as the doctor that preformed the abortion. I often go back and think what kind of person this baby boy could have been, he would be 19 years old today, throughout
the years I think about him I pray God gave his spirit to another family so he can do what he was assigned to do on this earth. When I see people around his age I think about him. It would have been a blessing to meet him but I know I will get to see him again in heaven. When I see him I will say I am sorry for the people that hurt you including myself. I wish I knew his name. I will be be so happy to finally know his name.
I had an abortion on February 2019 and I was pressure into getting it which only made my situation worst and each day it will eat me up I felt uncomfortable being around babies or pregnant women cause it will bring me back to that moment. I dealt with a lot of bitterness and shame it took a big toll in my life in that moment I felt I could not ever forgive myself especially the person that pressure me into doing it and I will try worldly pleasures to help me which obviously it didn’t only made me worst but 2021 I met the one and only Jesus who delivered me from my abortion he took shame, guilt, bitterness off and other bondages I had.
All you have to do is surrender your LIFE which means everything to him, cry out to him from the heart and watch him move on his timing. I pray everyone in here gets delivered from this in Jesus name. You’ll know you’re delivered from this when you are unashamed to share your testimony!