I completed one post-abortion group study at a pregnancy center and one post-abortion weekend retreat. I have read post-abortion books and went to individual therapy. Nothing helps in the long run. These things help temporarily but the pain and grief always comes back. In a lot of ways I have my life “together”. I completed my bachelors degree, I work a full time job teaching, and my husband and I have a good marriage. I was born again five years ago and a lot of things in my life have been completely renewed since. I am very active in the anti-abortion movement and speak out against abortion. But deep down the pain and grief of what I did when I was eighteen is still present. A lot of trauma that I have been through I have healed from, but the abortion does not feel like that. I believe the other trauma was much easier to heal from because it involved me being the pure victim. With my abortion, even though I may have been victimized in some ways, I ultimately was the one that committed the evil against someone else, my child. It’s much harder to forgive yourself for evil you consented to then it is to heal from others hurting you. I know I have been forgiven through Christ but regardless that dark hole of a feeling always seems to creep up once again.
No amount of healing helps
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I would be seven months pregnant right now if I hadn’t done what I did. I made the decision very quickly and without telling my family. Only my boyfriend and best friend knew. My boyfriend and I are both still in grad school, and we’re so close to graduating. I thought that I didn’t want to throw a wrench in our plans. I feel guilty because we had talked about marriage and children all the time, and yet I refused God’s gift because I thought it came too soon. I worry that God will not forgive me. I was raised in the church and I knew better. I was selfish–scared that a baby would ruin all the work I put into creating a career, and that it would build resentment between my boyfriend and myself. I know my family would have supported me with open arms had I told them. I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to be convinced. I was worried they would do anything to stop me.
I have always thought that motherhood was a gift, and that it would be ultimately the most important thing I ever did. I just wanted it on my own terms. Now I worry that I don’t deserve it. I took it for granted. I worried more about money and what other people would think. I wonder if the baby would have had my hands, my nose, my personality traits. I really do want a big family in the future, and I’m so regretful that I didn’t start when God wanted me to. I called myself a Christian but I didn’t have faith in his ability to provide and his timing. I chose myself and this world instead. I am forever ashamed. I pray on my knees to be forgiven. I don’t want to share these feelings with my boyfriend, no matter how loving or understanding he may be. I don’t want to remind him of the pain or make him feel guilty.
I pray that God watches over me. I promise to be brave if I am ever given this gift again. I pray that we are blessed with many more chances. If you’re reading this and feel similarly, I wish I could give you a hug. I have to believe that Jesus still loves us.