No amount of healing helps

I completed one post-abortion group study at a pregnancy center and one post-abortion weekend retreat. I have read post-abortion books and went to individual therapy. Nothing helps in the long run. These things help temporarily but the pain and grief always comes back. In a lot of ways I have my life “together”. I completed my bachelors degree, I work a full time job teaching, and my husband and I have a good marriage. I was born again five years ago and a lot of things in my life have been completely renewed since. I am very active in the anti-abortion movement and speak out against abortion. But deep down the pain and grief of what I did when I was eighteen is still present. A lot of trauma that I have been through I have healed from, but the abortion does not feel like that. I believe the other trauma was much easier to heal from because it involved me being the pure victim. With my abortion, even though I may have been victimized in some ways, I ultimately was the one that committed the evil against someone else, my child. It’s much harder to forgive yourself for evil you consented to then it is to heal from others hurting you. I know I have been forgiven through Christ but regardless that dark hole of a feeling always seems to creep up once again.