Three Years and Still Angry and Full of Regret

This is my third time writing on here….I cannot get over it. Three years. It has been three whole years since I have made the biggest mistake of my life. My healing journey seems to never end and it comes out differently from time to time. I have changed in ways I cannot even explain. I have become a different person. Three years ago I let my boyfriend (now husband) pressure me into having an abortion and it has been the worst mistake of my life. We didn’t have the best situation at the time. My job was unstable, I have two kids, he has two kids and two separate houses. He couldn’t see the minor inconvenience of a a temporary situation vs. a life sentence of guilt, depression and shame. I still can’t believe I let him do that. He was just so mean to me. The first year after my abortion I broke up with him a million times. I know in my heart it was wrong what he did and he was also wrong for me. My main reason for the break up is knowing I would never get a family out of this man. He told me “you can have that with me” and for some reason, I believed him. But it was all a lie so he could keep me in the relationship. At this time I was in a panic trying to seek out help for my depression. I have never had mental health issues before, this was all new to me. Trying to navigate my new problems was messy. It would come out in different ways. I started to have outbursts at him yelling and screaming at him telling him how horrible he is for making me do that. The second year after my abortion we ended up selling our homes and moving in together. I thought that he might want a family now that we live together but unfortunately, he still did not. As a mom already, I kept pressing on but deep down I was missing something. I kept on trying to fill the void buying new pets an animals ranging from chickens, another dog, a horse, and a rabbit. I just needed something to take care of I guess. It was a Band-Aid over a wound that will never be healed. I still continued to have my out bursts at him. Yelling and screaming. I never did that before. I was told how calm I was and I was such a nice person. Now, I have a chip on my shoulder, I am angry all the time. We also ended up getting married on the due date of what would have been our baby’s second birthday. I figured, now I have something to celebrate on that day. I also thought NOW is when he will want a family with me. But sadly, he does not. I keep falling into these deep depressive spells where I don’t talk to him or I pretend I am ok. I usually flood myself and my schedule so I am not home to avoid him. I also live by strict rules now. One rule is, you take something from me, I take something from you. I know it is petulant but I feel justified in doing it. He told me that he loved that I was a big marathon runner and he always wanted a partner to enjoy the same things he did because he liked to work out and run races as well. So, I took that from him. I REFUSE to work out or run with him anymore. He will NEVER get that from me again. Another thing, is, I have a hard time wanting a relationship with his kids. If he didn’t want a family with me, I don’t want a family with you or your kids. You stay in your lane, and I will stay in mine. I do not tell him when I have family get togethers on my side, I just go. This year, I didn’t invite him over because he is not my family. I don’t go to his son’s sporting events. I just don’t do anything. I also think of future events and how I dread the next steps of life. My brain panics me and I hate the thought of these things. His oldest daughter is 21 and I think to myself when she gets married, I don’t want to go to the wedding when she has one. When his kids have kids I want nothing to do with them. Watching my husband with babies and small kids is something I NEVER want to see. I never want to witness it because it would hurt me so bad. It would be like what we could have had would be thrown in my face. Overall, I have become this person I do not recognize. I began to hate people. I began to be spiteful and full of anger. I overload myself with work so I don’t have time to think. But at the end of the day, anyone can realize…I even realize….that this is unhealthy. But, this is how it is and who I have become. It is how I get by now. This is a horrible way to live life. Knowing I will never have a family, and never get to experience that with my husband. It sickens me. I should have left when I had a chance.