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Not married.. yet

by Admin

My mom had me when she was young but at least she was married. Even then my grandmother was very open about how my mom wasn’t ready.. that she was close to 30 when she had kids and because my mom was so young the burden of raising me often fell on her. As I grew older my mom never expressed much interest in becoming a grandmother but made it clear every year that she was too young. I had wanted children but after my mom expressing this opinion and basically saying that I most likely wouldn’t be motherly (like her) I wasn’t sure if it was right for me. Year after year I also saw how harsh the world was and further questioned whether gaining a child was right for me. Around 16 I met my (now) husband and have basically been by his side since, except for a short break around 17. After getting back together, we dated for a few years before he proposed and moved into my grandmother’s house, which is where I had been staying at the time. We didn’t get married right away for a variety of reasons but simply put we decided we weren’t ready to take the steps that traditionally came thereafter (moving out, having kids,etc.). Soon after getting engaged, my grandfather passed away so I felt drawn to stay with my grandmother as she needed help and started to go down hill. This further changed my relationship with my (now) husband and postponed how possible wedding. At one point, he even expressed that he didn’t see the big deal in getting married because it was just a piece of paper and he didn’t think we were ready to buy a house… “what would change? Then we found out I was pregnant. Even though I had been religiously on birth control, there was a lapse in my dose considering the stress and distractions I was experiencing.. I was hysterical and unsure how I was going to face the shame of getting pregnant before marriage.. being so careless.. and how I could possibly be a mother when everybody seemed to think it was impossible. He looked at me and asked, “what are we going to do?” I thought to myself ‘I don’t know” and verbally said “I can’t do it.” He said “okay” as if to give his consent to take care of it (get and abortion). I just remember thinking how low and scared I felt. There wasn’t even a thought that I’d have any support and if the father wasn’t confident (either) then I wasn’t. Soon after finding out and determining we would “take care of it”, I found out what I needed to do and took the proper steps.. along the way not telling anybody or looking back. To this day I never told any of my family but since then I got married to him and had a child. What I did is with me every day.. sometimes I look at my son and think about how I could have an eight year old if I didn’t end its life. I don’t even know if it would have been a boy or girl. Overall, I regret not having the strength to go on because now I realize how precious conception is.. as not everybody has the opportunity.. for some it’s a miracle and it took 7 years for me to experience it again. Thank God and thank him for the heathy baby boy he has given me.. even after spitting in his face the first time. Being a mother is what I was meant to be, even if others don’t think so.. God thinks so.

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