I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself

I never thought I would be in the situation I was in. I always wanted to be a parent. The timing was less than ideal, but there was that little glimmer of excitement when I found out I was pregnant. My partner’s only words to me were ‘I don’t want to be a father’. He told me to get an abortion or he would leave. It was a horrible choice, I cried for days. But he left because I couldn’t come to a decision soon enough. For the next month I toiled over the thoughts of being a single parent. My ex was adamant about not being a father so I decided that I would go through with the pregnancy and not write his name on the birth certificate, that way he wouldn’t have to worry about me trying to get child support or anything like that (which I would have never done, I make more money and have more support than him). I told him my decision, and he reluctantly agreed. A week later he told me that he changed his mind, that he didn’t want to be a father now, but in a few years he would come back and want to be a part of mine and the child’s life. I explained to him how that wouldn’t be happening, and how he can’t come back to us if he can’t even commit to us now. He then threatened that he would do anything in his means to be a part of our lives in the future including taking me to court if I refused. I was scared. I thought it was cruel to raise a child with someone who was openly attempting to manipulate me and how confusing and unfair it would be to the child. I thought of all the pain that he would cause. These were his demands now, but what if they got worse. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want this person tied to me in any way so I got an abortion to escape him. It was the worst decision of my life. It’s nearly been a year. I’m horribly depressed and started self harming. I see no hope and I feel constantly reminded of the choices I made. I feel like I was weak and I have so much shame over it. I’ve been in therapy for nearly this whole time but I don’t feel like I’m improving. I don’t know what to do. Initially, I did feel some relief not having my ex in my life. But after a few months he came back. He cried to me, apologized to me, told me that he never meant to make me go through such a horrid situation alone. That he realizes he was cruel, that he was different now, that he was still in love with me. I decided that I could give him another chance, he was so genuine. I worry that he only came back because I ended up having the abortion, which is what he initially wanted. I worry that his plan was to manipulate me this way the whole time. I worry that I hate him. I worry that I will never forgive him. And I still, still wish that I was a parent. That I had ran away and cut contact and started new as a single parent somewhere he wouldn’t think to look. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.