Ladies, let’s talk about this….

I’m now 32 years old. I had an abortion when I was only 18 years old. I was 5 1/2 weeks. Let’s start with a few weeks before I knew I was with child. I was living with my high school boyfriend and left my mother’s house a few years before. We saved up the money for me to have breast augmentation. The scary part is the Dr. Who gave me operation had to know I was 3 weeks along and didn’t stop my surgery that morning. I was still healing from that when I noticed my missed period. I told my boyfriend to get me a test (thinking I couldn’t be, right?) And so he did. One test went positive. I felt terror come over me and I was completely overwhelmed. I had him get five more test. I was pregnant for sure. I came from a conservative christian up bringing, so calling family is not something I felt I could do. I was mad at the surgeon who did my surgery. I felt that something might be wrong with the child and I never wanted to think of it as a child. All that I ever knew about my belief that abortion was wrong was being placed out of my head as my scared self justified that I wanted “it” gone. I was a model. Not an aspiring model, a working model. I had already done brands such as Axe body spray and Hawaiian tropic. I got my breast done to move into swimsuit and glamour. I wanted Playboy. All of these wants out weigh my reality in that moment. I seen all my dreams coming undone at once and it must be all my boyfriend’s fault and that surgeon. Anybody but me, right? Smh I never stopped crying more than five mins from the moment I found out till days after my abortion. So abortion was illegal in my home state. I had to drive across state lines to do this. I paid the extra 150$ to not be awake. I remember going in and feeling so out of place in this clinic. After I was signed in, I was in a back room waiting with all these women who were older than me. Some talking about how many times they had been there. One lady said “I can feel it breaking down.” There was a side bathroom that I kept going back in and puking. Something I was doing was seriously messing with my head and making me sick. I was crying so hard that it was like a pause and breath dry cry. One other lady said to me, “honey I don’t think you can do this.” My reply was, ” I got to.” They called my name to go in an office with an ultrasound machine. This was needed before I had the abortion. The medical woman told me the option of adoption process. I declined……And then the ultrasound started. Why she made me look at that screen haunts me to this day. The heartbeat was there. I remember the lady telling me that I didn’t have to do this. I think because I was crying so much. It was almost like I wasn’t there and I was above my body watching myself respond to all of this. I was obviously having a moral battle that everyone could see. However, they let me go through with it. I recall my legs up on the foot things. Thinking to myself, it’s almost over and guilt was already there for sure. I almost felt like my mind was changing right before I went under. Too little too late? Yeah…. I woke up in the recovery room. I couldn’t believe it was over and I felt no relief. All I felt was guilt and a feeling of self worth lost. I was mad at myself immediately…. I was bleeding for 14 days after this. I thought something was wrong so I went to the emergency room. I told them I had an abortion and I was scared. The Dr in the emergency room forced me “open” and was not easy with it. He told me very cold, ” nope you are fine”. I felt so ashamed. The town I lived in was also conservative and I believe that Dr. thought I deserved the pain. Fast forward about 6 months…..I got into Playboy after all. I left for LA and dropped my boyfriend. I didn’t care anymore. I had so much guilt that I became very outspoken against christian values and I even played in witch craft. I began to use drugs but they never had me hooked, that’s not my story. I did use at parties and over the next five years I went through 5 boyfriend’s, all models and godless men. I went to parties in beverly hills, I met A-list stars and even had sex at the Playboy Mansion. I seen the evil side of Hollywood and I was one of the devil’s in it. I didn’t want to think about what I did so I surrounded myself with ppl who had no problem with it, basically……I got many modeling contracts and had life experiences I never would have had if I had my baby. That’s a fact but facts are also I would never be a whole person again. I didn’t only take my baby out of me, I took my heart out that day also. Now let’s get to 26. Top of my career and on bf number lucky 7. I had still not been pregnant again. My grandma back home became ill and needed me. That girl I tucked away years before started coming out. I went home to help her. While she was recovering she forced me to watch bible studies. Because it’s what she liked to watch and I was in the room with her. I felt that guilt I burried coming back. I could hear the ring of truth in my ears and it was more than I could bare. Had I sold my soul? I was empty. But then it hit me, it was never mine to sell. I don’t belong to me, no more than that baby did. We all belong to something bigger than the ego. I remember breaking down in the shower and just crying as badly as I did that day at the clinic. Why does the sound of vacuums make me so uncomfortable, I was asleep? Why had my views went so far left away from what I knew as a kid? Ego, “edging God out”…… I deleted all my social media accounts. I broke contracts and quit entertainment. I’ve been gone from online for over five years. Not even a Facebook account. I stopped dating, not even a night out for five years straight. I started taking care of the elderly. I got completely by myself and fell into deep depression and self examination. I came back to God ladies. When my grandma died, I was in the room. I seen the life go out of her eyes and a new found respect for life came with that moment. Abortion should be illegal. Nobody that young should be able to make a choice about another person’s life inside them. The nightmares, the vacuum sound literally causes terror in me to this day. I turned on the vacuum to face it one day. How did my mind even hear this? Or how am I linking the sound to what I did? Still processing….. I’ve gotten back good with my family and roots. But I still hear my family talking harshly about ppl who have abortions and the zero tolerance, kill them attitude they have about it. I still have never told any of them my secret. I get reminded of my guilt when I hear them talk about this in passing political conversation around the table. I feel like I’m living with a deep dark secret. The guilt is real. If anybody out there is going through this know you are not alone. Also know that you CAN forgive yourself. That’s one I have to remind myself a lot. God has the power to forgive, but we often are the ones who have trouble in forgiving ourselves. Insurance companies drop your cost at 25. They know something science has proven. Your decision making part of your brain is not attached completely till this point. So, young ladies, think twice. This sh*t doesn’t go away. I hope this helps somebody out there. I really do…. God bless you all. This is the first time I’ve told my story…..