Pain and regrets you live with

I’m married for 21years to an abusive man . I met this man for 6weeks and realized I was pregnant . I wanted to get abortion because I did not know anything about him and we were not in loved . My Christian religion is against abortion and I’m against abortion, but I find myself in situations and the only option was to do abortion. I go pregnant at 24years , as an immigrant in Canada I had no family members around and no job . I pleaded for this man support me to abort the pregnancy and he said no . I told him I will find money without his help and have the baby removed, but after he mentioned to me if I removed his baby I would die in the process of abortion . I thought he wanted to have the baby by all mean he would have said that perhaps he cared , but I was scared.? I think he played with my emotions, my intelligence, I was valuable and isolated and he took advantage of it …..I guess was stupid . During my pregnancy I was very sick could not bring down any food or drink or medication in my stomach and I was unable to get up up for three months. It’s got to a point I thought I was going to die. During this time this man who still my husband got in charge of apartment , my bank account, my decision and in control of my life .Before I knew it he started preparing for our marriage calling pastor and setting up date for our marriage. I was still very sick not in good health and not in good frame of mind to make the right decision. I was scared of this man , scared of the situation and depressed . My friends had abandon me and family had disowned me i have him left . I manage to attend the weeding with last strength left in me wearing a borrowed wedding dress from church members which he arranged. A year after given birth to this beautiful boy and got my strength and memory back I learnt his main reasons emergency wedding and insisted I keep the baby because he failed his immigration hearing and could be deported. I felt alone, not loved , regrets , used and not happy. I did not belong to him because I felt deceived , and wanted to leave the marriage, but part of me said not to as Christian. I do not believe in divorce I felt I’m already in it let make the best out of it . I told myself I can’t failed in this marriage . I was scared what will my family say if they found out . I didn’t want people most especially my auntie who hated me by all mean for no reason to have reason to reason to hates me more or be right as she had said I wouldn’t turn out well in life . I wanted to succeed and I have tried to make that Happened for 21years . My marriage for 21years have been hell , I have never felt love ,all he had ever done to be very controlling, abusive and makes all the decisions. Well, I’m 43years old now I’m blessed with 2 children a boy and girl . I have alway wanted and dreamt of having 4kids . Throughout my 21years of marriage to my husband I have had 4 abortions because he does not want more babies despite I pleaded with him just to have one more kid . Due to complications and high blood pressure I was taken off from contraceptive. We used other preventative methods but still ended up getting pregnant. After two abortions I asked for God forgiveness, and promised God no more abortion. I did all I could to prevent having another abortion. I seek help with doctors who suggested I take my ovaries/ Fallopian tube out , but I said no because I wanted more kids in future . I told the doctor Why should I be the one to have sugary to remove my womb when I’m not the one who do not want more kids . The doctor suggested my husband should have vasectomy instead since he does not want any more children, but he refused . I promised God I will never have anymore abortion no matter what . I could not forgive myself for the first two pregnancies. I kept have nightmares, I’m filled with regret, pain and sadness. While going through this I got pregnant again very happy, but husband was not happy he wanted me to have the baby removed. I tried to keep the pregnancy, but again I was stupid and I could not endure his continued abused to get me to abort the pregnancy I decided to have abortion. During abortion asked I God to forgive me that it will never happen again , but i never kept to my promise i Ended up with another abortion. It was the worst experience it was very painful and I thought I was going to die . I needed up doing these two last abortions despite I promised I will never have anymore because I could not bear the abuse I got during theses pregnancies. My husband showed no concerned, no love , he treated me like a piece of garbage just for me to agree to abortion. I was very sick with all my pregnancies sometimes admitted in hospital that made me vulnerable . I was isolated from my community, family and friends that gave him more power. He restricted me from friends, my community and trusted no one . As an immigrants I had to start high school and college all over again . Thank God I’m independent working as nurse . At 39years I wanted to have one more kids I have been unable . I think God is punishing me for what I had done . I love kids if it was in my power and I had supportive and someone who love me those babies would have been alive. My husband reasons for making me go through all those abortions because we were not Financially stable. He never once thought about me what I wanted , the pain I had to go through , the mental impart and the risk with those abortions , He had never listened to me or considered what I wanted. Sometimes I asked myself why ami I still in this marriage. I have given it all for it to succeed. Im filled with so much pain , regrets, sadness and unable to forgive myself. Why did I allowed him to make all those decisions for me . I wanted him to wins so there will be peace or for him to love me perhaps, He still the man I meant 6weeks before I got pregnant. Still self Center, abusive verbally, controlling wouldn’t want me associating or going out . I’m still married to him 21years this March and hoping I will find love in him and he will change his attitude. I’m lonely, sad , disappointed, unable to forgive myself of my sin . ….sometimes I ask myself why am I still holding to this marriage?