Forever hurt

I cheated on my then husband and got pregnant…he convinced me to get an abortion and he would “forgive” me and we could move on and be happy..on March 16th 2019 I got rid of my beautiful baby. The whole process was traumatizing and I will never forget the nurse having to hold me while I was being put under. I knew it was wrong I just wanted him to be happy and 3 months later I ended up leaving him anyways to be with the man I had gotten pregnant to then. We have been struggling with getting pregnant for 18 months and everyday I’m reminded that we are missing a piece of both of us that should be n this earth. I have 2 kids from previously and I love them so so much but I would do anything to have that one back with us. I don’t know if I hate myself but I will never forgive myself for letting be so stupid. I hope that our baby knows I deeply regret my decision, I don’t think the pain will ever leave my heart.