If I could go back in time…

I had a seemingly good life. Married. Three beautiful kids. A good career. But behind closed doors the marriage had crumbled years prior. I had an affair and got pregnant at age 42. In the panic of learning this, I chose to have an abortion. I never told the father of my baby. Actually I’ve never told anyone. To this day it eats me alive, I am filled with such regret and sorrow. If I had had the courage to leave my marriage when I should have, I would have never chosen abortion. But I felt trapped, I could ruin a lot of lives…mine, my husbands, my three kids, the father of my baby, or, I could have an abortion. In the panic of that moment, I made my choice. Within less than two weeks of learning I was pregnant it was over. The experience was the catalyst that finally allowed me to release myself from the prison my marriage had become. However, I am filled and such shame and regret. I think of my “missing” baby every day. Wonder who it would have been, what they would have become. What would they look like. I think “I should be here holding a cute little six month old who loves me unconditionally and takes such comfort in arms”. And yet…I am the reason this beautiful soul never had the chance to realize any of this. The regret and sorrow eats at me like a cancer. I once read “most women want an abortion the way an animal caught in a trap wants to gnaw its own leg off”. That is so very true. But it wasn’t my leg I gnawed off, it was my heart.