Double the pain

I got pregnant in December of 2020. We found out end of January between me randomly getting sick here and there , to what became everyday. I couldn’t shovel the snow , eat, or do anything i normally did. Morning sickness was pretty bad. I missed my period. Granted , my boyfriend and i had issues. I was in college still, he could barley afford the bills he had. We both live with our families. We might have been 20 and 23 at the time , but we knew If we got everyone involved, it would add more to the mess. We told on one and went to planned parenthood hood 2/4/21. They first told me due to covid , full out papers and sit in the car until we were told to come in. 3 hours after the set appointment time , we were allowed in. We sat in the waiting room and my boyfriend gave them the $500. They constantly asked if this is what i wanted , offered adoption , or maybe raising the children myself. But my boyfriend didn’t want our children. He REFUSED and forced me to do this as much as i couldn’t take the thought. yes. Children. I was going to have twins. At first they brought me into a sonography room. Talked about my options , and showed me the babies. They told me i could leave at any time. I was told to go two rooms down to the right. Here the gave me an std test from my urine and a glucose test. The lady then took me to a small office room. Questioned my sexual and health history and of the fathers. I was given a pre antibiotic and a local anesthetic pills. I was told to go to the recovery room until they were all done. I watched girls get called, and come back looking as if they were already mourning. They all looked broken. Nurses came in to check blood pressure and if we wanted snacks, pads or something to drink as we watched law and order SUV. It was my turn. They took me in the surgical room asking me if this is what i wanted. I felt pressured to say yes. Even more so because of how far we had gotten into this process. It felt like a regular vaginal cramp. The machine sounded worse than 1000 nebulizers being out to your ears. A nurse came in then to hold my hand and told me to deep breathe and take my mask off. It would help. The pain became gradually worse, going more in and opening the walls more until it was unbearable, and i have a high pain tolerance. I cried and screamed out for my boyfriend. I cried and screamed i can’t believe i got myself into this situation. I screamed I’m sorry to my babies because they were in their safe space and i took them from there. I told them how much it hurt. The nurse held my hand and apologized and said i know. We’re almost done. in 15 minutes it was all over. I had a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. I finally came to terms with the abortion and when it happened between the pain and guilt i freaked. They had to get ice packs on me and got really concerned. They made me stay 45 minutes after when the normal time was 10-15. I could tell something was off and no one would tell me. The made me go to the bathroom, checked my pad , and let me leave. They gave me the on call nurses number. A couple days later i had clots. I was in a awful amount of pain. The on call nurse didnt really help besides telling me “those clots are bigger than normal but you should be fine. “ My abdominal, vaginal, and back pain grew worse. The bleeding stopped after a month. But the pain kept getting worse. I finally made an OBGYN appointment. I was reluctant to go because i was scarred. they were told I had a bad infection from it. I was given antibiotics, but it was pretty severe. To this day, i randomly think about the babies i could have had in a month from today. I think on how they would have grown into amazing little humans. I think on how i gave it all up for the fathers wants. I regret it. I miss them in me. I miss being their safe space. I’m still so hurt. Therapy hasn’t fully helped. I feel so guilty about it. The emotional, physical, mental , stress and toll it has taken has been a big one that i hope no one else will go through.