I’m sorry 

I found out I was pregnant at 11 weeks. I took a digital test and the results were “Pregnant 3+ weeks” , my heart dropped. I am 23 years old, just for context I am a married immigrant and I’ve got no one in this country but my husband. As soon as I told him I broke into tears, even tho I had always said that if I were pregnant before 26-27 I would had an abortion the thought of actually murdering my baby was too much, I started to cry. All my husband could do was tell me it was going to be okay but then he said “Why are you overreacting so much? Like, why are you crying? I don’t understand. You act if it’s like the worst thing it could have ever happened.” Like what the hell? Of course it’s a horrible thing. He’s jobless, he smokes a lot of weed and he can never keep a job. I knew in my heart he wouldn’t come through if I decided to keep this baby, I know he would just leave me and resent me forever if I kept it. However, when I asked him he said he would support whatever I wanted to do but that he thought we were and ready, and I agreed. I know 23 is not so young, but I feel very immature and I absolutely did not feel ready for a kid. I made an appointment at a local clinic and went for an ultra sound, I saw my little peanut. I kept the picture. I still decided to make an appointment for the abortion, and all this time I feel in my heart like it was the right choice until the night before… I just kept thinking “Does it have a soul?” “Is it a she? A He? “ “Does he have his eyes?” The day came and I went there. I did what I did and he just doesn’t give a damn, he can never feel the way I feel, and it made me realize he just doesn’t love me the way he say he does. I regret it. I should have left and kept you, I’m sorry. I know I could have done it alone, I’m sorry for not being brave. I’m really sorry for not realizing I wanted to meet you before it was too late.