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If I had to do it all over again, I would choose differently

by Admin

I found out I was pregnant at 29. My husband and I were fair off and it would have been our first kid. By this point, we had talked about children and potential kid names. But we had also talked about getting in a better financial situation and making sure I was healthy enough (I have several medical issues that require medications and constant doctor visits). So we find out we’re 5 weeks pregnant and we started preparing to take on the tasks. But then a week or so later things went south. My health declined rapidly. I was bedridden and experiencing significant illnesses. I would visit my high risk OBGYN 2 to 3 times a week, I had to go to the hospital and urgent care several times. I lost ALOT of weight, was extremely dehydrated and anemic, my vitals were everywhere and I couldn’t eat or drink anything. This is on top of constant cysts and fibroids popping up. However, while my health was shot, the baby was doing okay. And unfortunately my OBGYN didn’t really care to figure out my problems, since the baby’s readings were fine. Finally at about 11 weeks my husband and I decided to abort the child. My throwing up turned to blood and it seemed like no medical specialist cared to help me get better. Since I have a family history of women experiencing life threatening illnesses during pregnancy, my husband was more afraid of loosing me and vice versa. So we aborted the baby. I decided not to look at the ultrasound before the procedure but I had already heard it’s heart beats and gotten pictures of him or her. Before the procedure, I was extremely sick and nervous. Afterwards I immediately felt relief due to my health improving. But it didn’t take long for me to regret the decision. About a month or so after everything happened I started having nightmares! My faith and religious beliefs are in line with pro life. And since that decision, I’ve struggled with my faith and if I’m really right with God. I was afraid of dying, so I chose my life instead of a defenseless child. It hurts to think about and fills me with shame. In fact. The pain is so strong, I’ve been stagnant and don’t know what to do. This is the anniversary of the week I found out I was pregnant. And next month, is the anniversary of the abortion. My husband is on around the clock comfort duty, because I never really know how I’m going to be able to handle the emotions day to day. I’m so thankful for him, but I also know he’s trying to handle his own mourning. My situation is a bit different from others and there even may be some who would tell me that my decision wasn’t a bad one. But I know for a fact, I would never do it again. If I get pregnant again, then I rather let time take it’s course and see what happens before “pulling the trigger” and potentially doing it out of fear and not faith.

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