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Is all I ever think 16 years later

by Admin

I had sex first time at 15/16(’04-’05) with a guy who was 27. Lasted 2 seconds, hurt like h*ll, & I find out month later I was pregnant. Me & my off/on ex had “rekindled” by then. I was so excited. All I thought/talked was my growing belly. All I ever wanted was a baby. I come from tiny family. Just me, little bro, mom, & her parents. I always wanted at least 2 kids. Well 2 1/2-3 months go by turns on my bf told my mom everything (me preg baby not his) family’s mad. They told me they made appointment at Dr. This is my first experience with pregnancy in ANY way so I’m clueless. We go in the exam do test then start talking procedure I threw up started crying walked out mom picked me up we went home. I made sure to clearly & strongly voice my opinion against killing my baby. Her & grandparents then told me I had to do what they said since I was still under 18 lived at their house etc. I believed it. So then she took me to back alley Atlanta clinic mom pays the lady at desk $450-$500 I go get put to sleep got “procedure” I wake up in a mental daze/fog for weeks. Endless nightmares. It’s has been an almost steady/constant thought in my head every single day since. Now for those who don’t know that was an EXTREMELY cheap price. My coworker and I are same age and had same situation (except she wanted her procedure done) her mom paid little over $4000 we got it same city same years maybe 4 months apart. So since then me and father of baby get together engaged try to have baby for 4 years nothing. He was murdered Halloween night 9 years ago. I found out little over 4 years ago I have so mu scarring/trauma down there it’s physically impossible for me to ever conceive. My family refuses to talk about it. It kills me because my grandma wanted more kids but was only ever able to have my mother. SHE WAS 16 when she had her but all she has ever said about my situation was “you were only 16” are you serious?!?! I learned few years ago mom had 3 abortions 1 before me 1 after me 1 after little bro. To them this is like going & getting flu shot. I’m so I’ve rattled on like this. I’ve LITERALLY never talked to anyone about any of this & I bottled so much for so long I feel like I might explode. So mornings I don’t even want to get up or to wake up or even breathe. But I have 4 rescue kitties who I found abandoned 1/year 2017-2021 they depend on me to survive so it’s been my motivation for not giving in & letting go. I REFUSE to be the cause of any more deaths. I’d give anything to go back. I wish I would have done a little research but internet was still a new/exclusive thing in my neighborhood. But I could’ve went to library or something. Again sorry for rambling. Thank you for letting me finally get a little of the weight of my chest 

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