I can’t stand it

I lived with abuse of every kind growing up. I moved away and got pregnant on purpose to try and keep a man who really never loved me. He found out I was pregnant and didn’t care. I had nowhere to go, I moved back to my Mother’s house. She convinced me to get an abortion. I was not in a right frame of mind. I have lived with this guilt and fear all my life. This happened to me when I was in my early 20’s. My mother was a drug addict and alcoholic. Our co-dependant story is too long to tell here. I divorced myself from her years ago and she passed away 3 years ago. I have researched and researched different ways. I on purpose did not have any children for fear I would repeat the abuse. I was diagnosed with cancer and had a hysterectomy. Every fall, it happened in August, I think of my unborn child. I feel like I am going to go to hell or wherever you believe. I dont even know if the pregnancy would have been viable. I don’t believe in organized religion, but I did pray for forgiveness but I heard it doesn’t even count unless you believe in Jesus. I am so afraid of what will happen when I die. My brain finally broke and I am now on medication for mental illness from years of abuse. I hate everything about me because of doing this, much less everything else. How do I find peace with this? Please help, I am at the breaking point. Any advice helps me. I am a big fan of Spiriutality, seems the closest fit for me. Help me please. Am I going to hell?.