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I can’t stand it

by Admin

I lived with abuse of every kind growing up. I moved away and got pregnant on purpose to try and keep a man who really never loved me. He found out I was pregnant and didn’t care. I had nowhere to go, I moved back to my Mother’s house. She convinced me to get an abortion. I was not in a right frame of mind. I have lived with this guilt and fear all my life. This happened to me when I was in my early 20’s. My mother was a drug addict and alcoholic. Our co-dependant story is too long to tell here. I divorced myself from her years ago and she passed away 3 years ago. I have researched and researched different ways. I on purpose did not have any children for fear I would repeat the abuse. I was diagnosed with cancer and had a hysterectomy. Every fall, it happened in August, I think of my unborn child. I feel like I am going to go to hell or wherever you believe. I dont even know if the pregnancy would have been viable. I don’t believe in organized religion, but I did pray for forgiveness but I heard it doesn’t even count unless you believe in Jesus. I am so afraid of what will happen when I die. My brain finally broke and I am now on medication for mental illness from years of abuse. I hate everything about me because of doing this, much less everything else. How do I find peace with this? Please help, I am at the breaking point. Any advice helps me. I am a big fan of Spiriutality, seems the closest fit for me. Help me please. Am I going to hell?.

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Anonymous October 26, 2020 - 12:03 pm

Hi there. Jesus died for your sins; Jesus died for you. Jesus is not looking down on your tears in disgust or shame, he is crying along side you. He mourns your loss with you. He is not angry, He has seen your pain, and He knows how hard this Is for you. You will meet your baby someday. I live with this same regret and this same pain, I partially blame my mother for this too. Remember that you were not put on this Earth on accident, you were put here with a purpose. I love you and I will pray for you and your baby, just as I pray for mine.