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Dealing With My Regret II

by Admin

This is the second time I decided to write a testimonial because as I navigate my regret and grief, I am hoping that someone finds this as they are making a decision and think “I don’t want to end up that way.” I don’t want anyone to feel how I am feeling ever, let alone on a daily basis.
In 3 short months it will be a year since my abortion. Every day has been filled with anguish. The adjectives sometimes seem undermining to how it actually feels. It is truly indescribable. It is a constant battle raging in my mind. “Why did I let him talk me into it?’
So far I have missed the stages of my pregnancy, the preparation for welcoming my baby into the world, finding out if it would have been a she or he, what name we would have picked out, the birth of my child, bonding with my child, what they would have looked like and the unconditional love I would have had for my baby. I will never experience any of that. My baby is dead.
The only thing I have gained out of this situation is depression, PTSD, antidepressant medication, crying spells, grief, regret, shame and I carry those with me every second of every day. I feel like ever since my abortion, I am a completely different person. I lost myself, and I miss the person I was. I am not the same and never will be.
My baby should have been born in October. Instead, I went to a retreat for abortion regret. I do have to say, it was the first time I did not feel alone with this. Seeing other women who are in the same position as I am made me feel like I could take a step forward, and I did. I am learning to live with it. But, on days like today, the grief is so overwhelming and it hits you so hard and then you are back to reality.
My boyfriend wanted me to get the abortion. Even though I pleaded against it, he still did not change his mind. I didn’t want to force him into a situation he didn’t want to be in. So I did it. I should have been stronger and went with what was best for “me.” On the flip side of that coin, I told him exactly how I felt, why did my partner not protect me from all this pain? Why did he want me to go through with this? It is something I am still constantly asking my self. I don’t get how a person claims to love you, but would be willing to have you take on pain for them….I look at other happy couples and think about the women, “how lucky are they to be with someone who would never ask them to abort a baby. How lucky are they to never be put in a situation like that?” I am jealous of these women. They have no idea how blessed they are to never carry a burden such as this.
He acts like it didn’t matter and that we did not create a baby or a heartbeat together. What he doesn’t know is that I live with the mental image of the abortionist carrying way a tray with my baby in it and throwing it in a biohazard bin like trash. My baby, my beautiful baby with a beautiful healthy heartbeat, in the trash. My heart aches everyday.
I want my baby back, I should be holding them and looking at how beautiful they are, and knowing that even though it is currently a tough situation, we would get through it together. I should have been a mother to my baby. How weak was I to let a man tell me what to do with my body, and my baby.
I know my pain over this will be life long, but, I am hoping that my experience is an example to help someone realize that they are worthy of being a mother, and that they are capable of anything. In return, they will get to meet their baby and gain the love of their child. To them, you will be everything. I beg, please do not end up like me, or any of these women. We are here to tell you, abortion not only takes away your baby, it takes away the person you are, how you view the world and your life. It is not the answer. You are stronger than you think, you can give your baby life.

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27 comments

Daisy December 26, 2021 - 7:51 pm

Me too

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Anonymous June 24, 2022 - 3:04 pm

I feel the same way …even though my child now would of been 35it still weighs on me heavily.I now am blessed with 4 kids happily married I will always regret my decision.being forced by my boyfriend to abort.

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Anonymous June 26, 2022 - 9:33 am

I’ve never been in that situation, I hurt for those that are put in that situation, I want to say God loves you so very much, & he forgives you. Jesus blood covers allOur sin if we believe. Continue to tell your story to warn others of the pain it causes. God uses us & the things we have endured to those going through it. But first, Forgive yourself, your baby does, God does, know you will have a beautiful reunion & meet your precious baby in heaven. Let God carry your pain. Again forgive yourself, you are so worthy of love. A man that loves you protects you from anything that will hurt you, never settle for a man that doesn’t. You are worthy. All the people in the Bible had sinned, some killed, cheated, lied, stole their brothers birthright. God can’t use perfect people, because they worship themselves. Thanks for sharing

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Anonymous June 27, 2022 - 4:58 pm

I went through the same thing even worst and it’s not going to change until I die.

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Ashlee June 28, 2022 - 4:14 am

I feel this isn’t talked about much. The trauma to the mother after an abortion, the pain, the heartache. Maybe not everyone experiences this, but it’s vastly overlooked. People are begging to be able to abort their pregnancy’s when they don’t have any idea. I’ve seen some people saying that don’t regret it, but I’d that really true? Thanks for sharing

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Jennifer L. June 28, 2022 - 7:49 am

Hugs sweet lady. You are loved and supported.

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Donna June 28, 2022 - 8:06 pm

Thank you for your comment. Because of you being willing to post this, I sure you have helped other women from experiencing this. Thank you for your courage.

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Anonymous July 5, 2022 - 8:47 pm

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I had my abortion 3 days ago & I am stuck with this regret, guilt and sadness that no one understands. I find myself having to read articles from other women who have gone though this just to help me feel better because I have no one to talk to. It sucks and I regret it. I cant believe I let my boyfriend talk me into it.

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Jeanne P. July 6, 2022 - 6:01 am

I’m so sorry this happened. Thank you for sharing your story.

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Alexandria July 7, 2022 - 3:09 pm

I went through the same thing. Thank you for this. I really have felt like the only woman in this situation.

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Anonymous July 7, 2022 - 5:07 pm

ALL J CAN DO IS CRY 4 YOU
IM SO SORRY
IF WE COULD ONLY GO BACK & CHANGE THINGS.

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Anonymous July 7, 2022 - 9:33 pm

It’s been 21 years. The guilt, regret, and pain has only gotten worse over time. I wish to God I could go back in time. Why did I let him talk me into it!? I wish someone would have educated me and told me it was going to be okay and that there were other options. I was so young and naive. I wish I would have jumped up off that table and ran out of there. I will never forgive myself.

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Katie July 9, 2022 - 4:48 am

To the author, my heart bleeds for you and pray you find healing.
To those who wrote in saying you were alone, please look up heartbeat international, find a pregnancy center near you, and then call to find out if they have an abortion recovery program or know of one near you. The one I volunteer with in Mansfield Ohio does, but it’s hard to find the people that need it.
YOU ARE LOVED!

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Tanya W. July 9, 2022 - 11:38 am

To anonymous, I am going to pray for you. Go to a Rachel vineyard retreat in your area. You need to be supported and loved in your grief. You need to be with others to help you find healing.❤️❤️❤️

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Anonymous July 9, 2022 - 6:42 pm

My God bless you. You are a strong woman for coming forward to help other women and their babies.

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CasperDaGoatst July 11, 2022 - 1:16 pm

My mother had an abortion before me. The father was so grief stricken at the loss of his child that he committed suicide. She could have given my brother to his father like she gave me to mine. Years later she had multiple miscarriages trying to conceive my younger brother. She had the audacity to act as if the miscarriages bothered her when she murdered our older brother. I still don’t know why abortion is legal. Except in cases of medical necessity, you are still taking a life. At least the women in this thread have a conscience. Society has normalized this atrocity to the point that women don’t even realize what they’re doing. I hope you all have the opportunity to be mother’s in the future and love your child even more for all of this. No, it will never change what’s happened but in a sense you were also a victim of social norms. We live in a sick world. You all have an angel looking over you and I’m almost sure that they love and have forgiven you

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Paula L July 12, 2022 - 9:43 pm

The one thing I will never regret or feel shame for is giving my baby up for adoption to a family that raised and loves her to this day!!
I feel very compelled to talk to young girls about adoption over abortion. It’s 9 to 10 months out of a whole long lifetime that you can let part of you live and breathe and feel fresh air, smile, live, instead of dying because you can’t take 9 months out of your life to let a human being have a chance at life. I wasnt ready at 19 years old, I was never ready any year in my life to have kids so I made the right choice. This roe vs wade being overturned is a great thing, spiritually and mentally… Abortion is full of regrets, adoption is not.
I understand the mentality of a teenager in an unplanned pregnancy, I absolutely do!!!! Every thought went through my head. I denied to myself and family and anyone that I was pregnant. I denied it to myself, every day I woke up hoping it was just a nightmare being pregnant. The big apartment complex trash bin was outside my window on the curb, maybe I could just throw this in the trash and forget. No I’m not pregnant, no this isn’t happening. Up until 7 months I kept denying it. Long story short, I knew I didn’t want to raise kids , I wanted to live my life free and happy. I called the social services, quick paperwork , etc, adoption happening right from the hospital , held her once until the nurse realized the situation I guess and took her away and I never seen her again… until we both found each other online after she got married and had a child of her own… Adoption over abortion. Choose that.

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Mary July 14, 2022 - 3:58 am

Thank you for sharing your post abortion story! May I recommend “Silent No More,” “Forbidden Grief” by Dr. Theresa Burke, Rachel’s Vineyard & Oceans of Mercy.

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Bridgette July 16, 2022 - 4:51 pm

Pray strength for you all . God forgives you but you must forgive yourself! You will see your baby again in Heaven!

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Courtney July 19, 2022 - 9:05 am

I understand your pain in a way that most don’t. Like me, you have chosen to face your situation with honesty while many women live in denial. It is a fact that anyone under severe stress likely isn’t in the best place to make major life decisions. Most women are made to feel at the clinic like abortion is normal, routine, and that it will solve their problems. Very few women are counseled properly and because they are in a crisis situation most can’t see past the crisis into the future and just think for the moment. I still struggle 17 years later. Different things hit me at different times. I hope you can fine a resource to talk to openly that listens and validates your feelings and that supports you as you move forward.

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Anonymous July 26, 2022 - 3:40 am

I found out I was two months pregnant back in March.I knew I wasn’t ready for another baby but I never wanted to get an abortion but I knew it was best decision at the moment.Now it’s almost august and I can’t stop thinking about my child .I would have been here in October

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Taj July 27, 2022 - 5:44 am

This sadness won’t leave.. Everyone is telling me not to fall into depression but I don’t see how that’s possible, it’s definitely losing yourself and I wish I could go back every second.

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Anyonomus July 30, 2022 - 7:31 pm

I was forced to make the decision on August 11 1978 I live with this everyday wondering if my daughter would have been my best friend look like me and be very pretty and smart ! Her name is LeeAnn I was with a guy for years and when I got pregnant he wanted no part in it it broke my heart! Shortly after this I broke it off with him found an awesome guy got married had 3 beautiful children but I think of Lee Ann everyday it never goes away it will always be with you! She would be 44 next month! I still grieve everyday and have anxiety and depression I’m 66 years old! It will stay with me the rest of my life the only thing I ever regretted was letting my little baby girl die!!

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Anonymous July 31, 2022 - 2:03 pm

Abortions must stop! I am so sorry that you went through this. I was 15 and pregnant and this was 1964 when you had to go to a quack because abortions were illegal. My 16 year old boyfriend and I ran away until my parents and his let us get married. The marriage was far from perfect, but we lasted 12 years before divorce. My baby girl was perfect. It was not easy, but I thank God every single day, and I know it was God speaking to me to run and save that little life. I now have 5 grandchildren and twin great grandchildren and my baby girl is a grandmother in a happy marriage that has lasted almost 40 years. She was an only child as I could no longer have children a few years after her birth because of endometriosis. God spoke to me, though I never heard an actual voice.

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Tiffany L July 31, 2022 - 5:48 pm

There is help for grieving after an abortion. Gods love is there to help. We must stop this so others won’t go threw this deep dark pain after.

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Valerie m August 2, 2022 - 6:01 pm

Your story is heartbreaking. But I would encourage counseling. Or at least finding and joining a support group. I know you think it won’t help but that’s why you need it because your grief is still raw. It’s hard enough to live with your decision. You should not have it haunting you also.

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Cilicia August 3, 2022 - 9:16 am

I found out im pregnant an we were trying for a long time it has been years so we didnt think it would happen .im 41 now found out im pregnant an he says we are to old an really pushing abortion im not doun it but the constant saying something about it an making me call places is mentally draining i cant even be happy about this pregnancy cause he has put so much negative on it with abortion talk i would of never thought he would do me like this you never really know anyone.an i know it would tear me up mentally if i do do it i really wish he would back off.

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