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Dealing With My Regret II

by Admin

This is the second time I decided to write a testimonial because as I navigate my regret and grief, I am hoping that someone finds this as they are making a decision and think “I don’t want to end up that way.” I don’t want anyone to feel how I am feeling ever, let alone on a daily basis.
In 3 short months it will be a year since my abortion. Every day has been filled with anguish. The adjectives sometimes seem undermining to how it actually feels. It is truly indescribable. It is a constant battle raging in my mind. “Why did I let him talk me into it?’
So far I have missed the stages of my pregnancy, the preparation for welcoming my baby into the world, finding out if it would have been a she or he, what name we would have picked out, the birth of my child, bonding with my child, what they would have looked like and the unconditional love I would have had for my baby. I will never experience any of that. My baby is dead.
The only thing I have gained out of this situation is depression, PTSD, antidepressant medication, crying spells, grief, regret, shame and I carry those with me every second of every day. I feel like ever since my abortion, I am a completely different person. I lost myself, and I miss the person I was. I am not the same and never will be.
My baby should have been born in October. Instead, I went to a retreat for abortion regret. I do have to say, it was the first time I did not feel alone with this. Seeing other women who are in the same position as I am made me feel like I could take a step forward, and I did. I am learning to live with it. But, on days like today, the grief is so overwhelming and it hits you so hard and then you are back to reality.
My boyfriend wanted me to get the abortion. Even though I pleaded against it, he still did not change his mind. I didn’t want to force him into a situation he didn’t want to be in. So I did it. I should have been stronger and went with what was best for “me.” On the flip side of that coin, I told him exactly how I felt, why did my partner not protect me from all this pain? Why did he want me to go through with this? It is something I am still constantly asking my self. I don’t get how a person claims to love you, but would be willing to have you take on pain for them….I look at other happy couples and think about the women, “how lucky are they to be with someone who would never ask them to abort a baby. How lucky are they to never be put in a situation like that?” I am jealous of these women. They have no idea how blessed they are to never carry a burden such as this.
He acts like it didn’t matter and that we did not create a baby or a heartbeat together. What he doesn’t know is that I live with the mental image of the abortionist carrying way a tray with my baby in it and throwing it in a biohazard bin like trash. My baby, my beautiful baby with a beautiful healthy heartbeat, in the trash. My heart aches everyday.
I want my baby back, I should be holding them and looking at how beautiful they are, and knowing that even though it is currently a tough situation, we would get through it together. I should have been a mother to my baby. How weak was I to let a man tell me what to do with my body, and my baby.
I know my pain over this will be life long, but, I am hoping that my experience is an example to help someone realize that they are worthy of being a mother, and that they are capable of anything. In return, they will get to meet their baby and gain the love of their child. To them, you will be everything. I beg, please do not end up like me, or any of these women. We are here to tell you, abortion not only takes away your baby, it takes away the person you are, how you view the world and your life. It is not the answer. You are stronger than you think, you can give your baby life.

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1 comment

Daisy December 26, 2021 - 7:51 pm

Me too

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