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Deepest pain i have ever felt

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I am 22, i found out christmas eve of 2021 i was pregnant… i have heart problems. I take daily medication for it and have routine scans etc.. i have been told for the past 3 years if i got pregnant I wouldn’t be able to survive the pregnancy, or even labor. Given that, when i found out i was so excited and ready. I really wanted to be a mom. I had to have an early ultrasound at 6 weeks, something wasn’t right. My obgyn referred me to a clinic, to have an abortion by a “specialist”, i did consult all of my regular doctors (cardiologist, neurologist, obgyn, and family doctor) they all agreed 10/10 i would have lost my life trying to continue on with it. This was after a month of testing to determine such. So January 26th 2022 they scheduled my abortion for February 11th… i drove myself (I couldn’t have sedation or pain meds, they did it while me totally awake and no numbing, literally nothing) i felt everything… after i put my legs up before she started i did ask to stop, she proceeded as the nurse held me down on the table, i screamed out at the top of my lungs, shaking, traumatized.. in that moment i was willing to risk my life for this baby… it didn’t matter though. They continued on. No one told me until after it was done that the fetus had deformities. I was supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant i was measuring at 7 weeks 5 days due to slow development because of my own issues, it was not developing properly. I regret it every day though. Cause if that was the case I could’ve miscarried and not feel so terrible and hate myself. Im battling with addiction as well, ive been sober for 7 months and this just adds to it. I wanted that baby. A week later i had to have emergency surgery, due to complications. (An incomplete abortion) pieces were left behind. I had a bad infection, i started hemorrhaging, i had to drive myself to the er in the middle of a snowstorm, tried to call 911. Operator wasn’t helpful at all, when i asked for an ambulance, so as im blacking out, sliding on ice, trying to get to the er as quick as i can, to have surgery, I almost lost my life anyways… like surgery was longer than it needed to be due to complications from the trauma on my body… im still healing 4+ weeks later. Stitches and all. Even if it was medically determined id lose my life, and that it had deformities, probably wouldn’t of survived past the next two weeks. i regret it everyday, i hate myself, i cry everytime i hear or see a kid at any age. Its a constant reminder of what i did. No it wasnt 100% my choice but I decided it was the best one even if i tried to change my mind, it still happened. I didnt try hard enough… No one knows besides my doctors, the guy knew he didnt care about any of this… ive looked up asking god why put me through so much in my life, ive even looked down asking satan if its funny to watch someone fight so hard to be decent and watch as its not possible anymore… i have suicidal thoughts, i battle every second of every day on how to live with myself. I thought i was doing the right thing, i might have given all the circumstances but it doesnt feel that way to me. Hypothetically killing an adult rapist is easy, but realistic killing a fetus in any aspect hard asf. The hardest thing youll go through… adoption at least you know it will be taken care of and alive… i wanted options. I wanted out of that being my “only option” i hate it here… i want out if my brain. I dont want to breathe anymore knowing what I’ve done. I know I would’ve died, it was the best realistic option, the safest way for me to live life… but i dont want my life anymore knowing i killed my baby… I’ve been on a mix of antidepressants, anti anxiety meds and sedatives. None of them work… i will forever hate myself. Even if a suicidal thought is successful, i will continue to hate myself. Atleast then ill know i got what i had coming to me for killing my innocent baby i loved so much and wanted to keep. I should probably seek help… but living with the way i feel, makes me feel better knowing im suffering in silence because of a choice i made.. i do wish i would’ve died during surgery, i came close, but im here regretting every breath; that pain, the constant sadness, guilt, shame, regret, hate, depression, pain (emotional and physical, the memory of what was.) Is the worst thing. I dont wish this on anybody. Abd dont tell me it was for the best, because i would’ve died i almost did anyways… if you made it this far just send pray for my mom and sisters… they might need them..

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4 comments

Anonymous March 22, 2022 - 12:56 pm

Please don’t give up. satan likes to make us feel that there is no hope or forgiveness but there is. Christ loves you and is waiting for you to get his healing. You are loved and your child is in good hands. Your life has a purpose.
Here is a good contact that you can call 844-289-HOPE (4673)

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Elizabeth J. March 30, 2022 - 8:54 am

Iam sorry for you. Silent no more.com. Pro life across America can help you heal. talk to the baby Jesus love’s you and everyone keep a journal . Rachel’s Vine yard .com can help you. Speak up for all unborn children protest . volunteer at a pregnancy center expose the truth

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Tamara F. May 7, 2022 - 8:36 pm

GET AN ATTORNEY AND SUE THE ABORTIONIST, THE “NURSE”, THE FACILITY . . . FOR:

1. UNLAWFUL IMPRISONMENT
2. FORCIBLE TERMINATION OF PREGNANCY
3. MALPRACTICE
4. COMPLICATIONS REQUIRING EMERGENCY MEDICAL CARE
5. UNNECESSARY TRAUMA
6. MENTAL ANGUISH LEADING TO ADDICTION AND SUICIDAL IDEATION
7. ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN THINK OF

IF I WAS A LAWYER I’D DO IT FOR FREE . . . AND I’LL BET THERE’S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO’D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO DO SO AS WELL!
BLESSINGS . . . YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS . . .

PS:
AND, BTW—YES, SATAN IS HAPPY . . . BUT HE WILL BE EVEN HAPPIER IF YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. PLEASE DON’T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION OF DESTROYING YOU!

JESUS, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS NOT:

HE KEEPS YOUR TEARS IN A BOTTLE. (PSALM 56:8)
SO PRAY AND TRUST HIM—HE HATES WHAT HAPPENED EVEN MORE THAN YOU DO, LOVES YOU FAR MORE THAN YOU REALIZE . . . AND NOW HOLDS YOUR LITTLE ONE FOR YOU, COMPLETE AND WHOLE, IN HIS TENDER LOVING ARMS. HE WILL COMFORT YOU, IF YOU ASK HIM, WITH “HIS PEACE BEYOND UNDERSTANDING” (PHILIPPIANS 4:6).
AND, PERHAPS, MORE TO THE POINT:
“GOD CAUSES *ALL* THINGS TO WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THOSE WHO LOVE HIM . . . . ” (ROMANS 8:28)

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Tamara F. May 12, 2022 - 4:09 pm

Dear Precious Woman and Beloved Child of God,

For some reason grief for you has consumed me this evening—and I believe it is because the Good LORD led me to your story. I pray that you can grasp how beautiful you are—how pure the heart that beats inside you . . . how deep your love, how valuable your life—the breath of which God holds in His very hand. (Job 12:10) God didn’t *put* you through this—but He *did* allow it to happen and, given that fact, He has a very special plan for your life and purpose for you to fulfill which, in turn, will fulfill *you* . . . though you cannot see it now.

You are just 22(1). I was 44 before I found someone who wanted to marry me. Now I am 65 . . . and this is my story:

I was 43 years old when the last of the few actual boyfriend’s I ever had, like the others, finally dumped me—just days after a lovely Valentine’s Day together. So, once *again*, I found myself alone . . . and all but resigned to the probability that I would never, ever find someone who really loved me. Worse yet, by this time I had to face the fact that, like the last one had mentioned, “Our clocks aren’t ticking—our *alarms* are going off.” As I sat in church the following Sunday I noticed a banner on the wall that displayed the 9th verse of the 113th Psalm:

“He gives the barren woman a home, like a joyful mother of children”—and I accepted it a God’s promise of hope to comfort me in my despair as I continued to process my disappoint and grief. It wasn’t but four months till that dream was realized: I married a physician with four beautiful daughters.

Now it is a long and beautiful story, but I will skip to its pertinence for you: Nearly nine months after my husband has his vasectomy reversed, my husband took me to the hospital. We heard the doctor say: “Well, Dr,. and Mrs. Bacon . . . it’s a . . . tumor.”

I was diagnosed with breast cancer—it cost me my left breast . . . and the possibility of ever having children. Of course, remember, God’s promise was “like” a joyful mother of children.

Another thing: I had dreamed of naming my first-born “Emily”.

My oldest step-daughter is named Emily.

I was never allowed to have children of my own but, I’ll tell ya something, the love of my step-children means even more: because they don’t have to love me—there is no “natural affection” like there is when blood is shared—their love is a priceless gift.

So, “peace be still” is what Jesus said to calm a raging storm (Mark 4:39): God has you in the perfect position to save more than your own unborn child, you can save untold numbers just by sharing your story—perhaps you already have :` )

I love you, your family loves you and, more importantly, Jesus loves you—He can take your pain, heal your wounds, and give you “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”. (Isaiah 61:3)

Love,

Tamara

(1) The irony is, you’ll feel younger as you get older : `)

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