Why did I listen to him? 

This is my third time writing on this page over the past two years. Since my abortion, I have been to 2 group therapy programs, a weekend retreat at Rachel’s Vineyard, had 3 personal therapists, a diagnosis of PTSD and on currently on and off of antidepressants. This is what happens when you don’t follow your heart and go against yourself and your morals and beliefs. This is what he wanted and I listened to him. He is 14 years older than me and I thought that being with an older man would be better because “he knows what he wants” in life. When we first started dating. He had dropped several hits to wanting another child. I was content with life and my two children at the time. He was accepting of this and we continued to date. Even though I had a lot of fun with him, I felt like the relationship wasn’t taking off like it should. I wanted him to be more family oriented, I wanted him to get involved with my children, and I wanted to get involved with his. But I just believed it wasn’t that kind of relationship. So, I just decided it was just for fun. When I found out I was pregnant, I initially was excited. I thought that we would come together and be a family. I was very surprised that I even found myself pregnant, because I was having surgery due to having cysts on my ovaries. I called my friend right away and asked her if I should tell him or wait. She told me I should tell him right away. So, I did. Today, I regret this choice. I feel that if I waited, maybe my baby would be here. I sent him a message right away telling him we needed to talk. When he answered, he asked “let me guess, are you pregnant?” When I told him that I was, his first response to me was “Don’t they make a pill for that? lol” To this day, it angers me. If he had an ounce of decency, he would have asked me, are you ok? We should talk in person. Or, I think we should talk about options. His response is something that hurt me deeply. From that moment, I knew this would be an uphill battle and things have never been the same since. I was very early when I found out because, like I said, I was having surgery and the bloodwork from my pre-op determined the pregnancy. Therefore, I thought that maybe I could change his mind into wanting to keep the baby. I pleaded with him about how I felt. He ignored all of it. I cried and yelled and even left him several times. Eventually, I gave into what he wanted and I have regretted it ever since. I have broken up with him more times than I can count. But I always find myself back with him. We are currently selling our homes to find one to live in together but deep down, I am still full of resentment and anger towards him. I lash out at him and remind him of what he did to me and our baby. I cannot stand what he put me through. I can’t even look at pregnant women or babies without freaking out or having a panic attack. He is on constant eggshells and I am too. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. Deep down I want another child. I feel that I have lost something and I need a baby to replace the one I lost. He even told me that during my pregnancy, we could have another baby when we were living together and more settled. He lied. He does not want another baby and it kills me. We are engaged but I don’t thing I want to be. I feel obligated to stay with him. He has begged for me to stay with me every time I left him. And to be honest, I feel miserable without him, but I also feel hopeless and depressed with him. He is a constant reminder of the worst thing I have ever done. All I want is for him to want to be a family with me. I have so much love to give and such a wonderful family to share, and he doesn’t seem to want to. I don’t get it. I am so hurt and sad over this. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I constantly grieve over the baby I lost. I feel that it is my duty to keep their memory alive. I write letters to my baby all the time and keep a box of them. I framed the only sonograms I have of the baby. I took a picture of myself pregnant and I have that in the box as well. I just know that I don’t think I will ever be the same or happy again. Life is so meaningless.