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Heartbreak of a lifetime

by Admin

I just wish I could explain how traumatizing my first pregnancy was with my sons father and it could express the feelings of fear that I had of being pregnant again by him. I’ve always been to 100 percent pro life which is the saddest part of it all. It’s against what I feel and believe. It was so bad that I was suicidal for a whole year after our son. He was constantly cheating and abusing me. I was/am in a trauma bond with my sons father. We live 5 states from each other and he came to be with us for thanksgiving. My family never invites my son and I, so we figured to have our own little dinner. I ended up getting pregnant and was terrified. I literally had a panic attack when I saw I was pregnant. I cried every time I thought about abortion but I couldn’t see past my situation. I didn’t want to go through pregnancy or motherhood alone. I was sick of doing it alone with my son. I told my sons father that I was pregnant. He was back and forth with keeping the baby. When I’d feel okay with keeping the baby he’d kind of push abortion even tho when I told him he said “we might as well get married “ (narcissistic). He has a case open for strangulation and a few other things he was concerned about and he didn’t want to co parent with another baby states away as well as I didn’t either. I don’t want to be away from my baby or to put another baby in the situation my son is in. I just couldn’t do it to another baby. I went back and forth and fought myself. I ended up making an appointment with a clinic that gives you the pill then and there. They wanted me to take the pill. I did not want to and they said it was the law to take it before I leave. So I put it in my mask and pretended to take it as it broke my heart of just the thought. – the clinic are liars they told me I was only six weeks when I knew I was at least 8. I held on to the pills. I wish I just threw them away. But I kept them “just in case”. I have no idea what went through my head and I just panicked and took the pill – the first pill. It’s so MESSED up because moments before I was taking pics with my ultrasound picture with my son to do an announcement. Then I just felt huge anxiety and ptsd about being pregnant again. I didn’t wanna feel suicidal like I did the first time. I was just so scared of it all. I didn’t take the next four pills the next day. I changed my mind. I told myself it was okay and I want baby. About a week went by and I had a clot and small amount of blood. I rushed to the ER. My baby was fine, her heart rate was at 165 and I saw her wiggling. When I found out she was okay (I found out she was a girl) I thanked God and told Him I’d never think about the abortion again and that when it’s hard I’d think about that day that I was just so thankful that baby was okay. Later that day I woke up from a nap and was gushing an unbelievable amount of blood. I lost the placenta and just kept gushing blood. I rushed to the ER again but I knew it was over this time. I knew I lost the baby. I cried the entire time. I needed to have a D&C and a blood transfusion. I was admitted and had to stay over night. I mourn for my daughter. I wish I just threw the pill away. I wish I saw past my situation. I wish my sons dad didn’t go back and forth and just convinced me to keep our baby. I wish my friends would have told me to keep it. They said I should abort and that if it were them they wouldn’t keep it. I just wish I could go back. I can’t believe I have to live the rest of my life without her. Without knowing who she is , what would have been, I hate this. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Abortion should be illegal. It shouldn’t even be an option. The pain and regret is worse than anything.

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Jenna September 19, 2022 - 11:56 pm

Omg.. after have’n mine 27yrs ago I know exactly how badly your suffering with the loss of your daughter.. I have 3 children now & I’m always think’n about whether I would’ve had another son or daughter, what the child would look like, their personality, who the child would’ve become as an adult.. it’s just literaly the ABSOLUTE WORST internally painful experience you could ever imagine a young female have’n to endure immediately following the procedure (post) & basically, for the rest of your natural life & constantly criticize yourself by act’n as our own worst enemy.. my child (son or daughter) would be around 26 yrs old now, maybe just a tad over.. though sadly, it’s forevor go’n to remain my lost child & I really hold it against me for being so ignorant as to the post effects on my heart & mind..