Heartbreak of a lifetime

I just wish I could explain how traumatizing my first pregnancy was with my sons father and it could express the feelings of fear that I had of being pregnant again by him. I’ve always been to 100 percent pro life which is the saddest part of it all. It’s against what I feel and believe. It was so bad that I was suicidal for a whole year after our son. He was constantly cheating and abusing me. I was/am in a trauma bond with my sons father. We live 5 states from each other and he came to be with us for thanksgiving. My family never invites my son and I, so we figured to have our own little dinner. I ended up getting pregnant and was terrified. I literally had a panic attack when I saw I was pregnant. I cried every time I thought about abortion but I couldn’t see past my situation. I didn’t want to go through pregnancy or motherhood alone. I was sick of doing it alone with my son. I told my sons father that I was pregnant. He was back and forth with keeping the baby. When I’d feel okay with keeping the baby he’d kind of push abortion even tho when I told him he said “we might as well get married “ (narcissistic). He has a case open for strangulation and a few other things he was concerned about and he didn’t want to co parent with another baby states away as well as I didn’t either. I don’t want to be away from my baby or to put another baby in the situation my son is in. I just couldn’t do it to another baby. I went back and forth and fought myself. I ended up making an appointment with a clinic that gives you the pill then and there. They wanted me to take the pill. I did not want to and they said it was the law to take it before I leave. So I put it in my mask and pretended to take it as it broke my heart of just the thought. – the clinic are liars they told me I was only six weeks when I knew I was at least 8. I held on to the pills. I wish I just threw them away. But I kept them “just in case”. I have no idea what went through my head and I just panicked and took the pill – the first pill. It’s so MESSED up because moments before I was taking pics with my ultrasound picture with my son to do an announcement. Then I just felt huge anxiety and ptsd about being pregnant again. I didn’t wanna feel suicidal like I did the first time. I was just so scared of it all. I didn’t take the next four pills the next day. I changed my mind. I told myself it was okay and I want baby. About a week went by and I had a clot and small amount of blood. I rushed to the ER. My baby was fine, her heart rate was at 165 and I saw her wiggling. When I found out she was okay (I found out she was a girl) I thanked God and told Him I’d never think about the abortion again and that when it’s hard I’d think about that day that I was just so thankful that baby was okay. Later that day I woke up from a nap and was gushing an unbelievable amount of blood. I lost the placenta and just kept gushing blood. I rushed to the ER again but I knew it was over this time. I knew I lost the baby. I cried the entire time. I needed to have a D&C and a blood transfusion. I was admitted and had to stay over night. I mourn for my daughter. I wish I just threw the pill away. I wish I saw past my situation. I wish my sons dad didn’t go back and forth and just convinced me to keep our baby. I wish my friends would have told me to keep it. They said I should abort and that if it were them they wouldn’t keep it. I just wish I could go back. I can’t believe I have to live the rest of my life without her. Without knowing who she is , what would have been, I hate this. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Abortion should be illegal. It shouldn’t even be an option. The pain and regret is worse than anything.