I am pro-choice, but I regret my choice 

Me and my partner were both 23. At 18 we decided to take the chance and moved abroad. Worked hard and by ourselfs managed to get into University in a foreign country. We were solely independent, and we were sometimes even supporting our families financially. As a background, I was an orphan from a young age, my mom had an ugly depression and committed suicide when i was one, and my dad died due to an accident just a couple of years later. I lived with my uncle and his wife, which was a very toxic environment, so when I got the chance I was more than happy to leave “home”. His family was also poor, but very supportive and I really loved and still love them. We were in our second year of University, when Covid hit. I lost my job, and he was working part time due to University. I was on birthcontrol, however one time we had intercorse I just had a bad feeling afterwards, and took the pill after just in case. I missed my period for only 2 days, when I decided to take a test, because i was SO SURE I couldn’t be pregnant, but wanted to take it off my mind as exams were approaching. Turns out i was wrong, and the test showed 2 lines. I always wanted to be a mom, due to my family history, so I didn’t find it terrible, and my partner was with me in the bathroom when i took it. I instinctively started to smile when i saw the lines, but taking a look at him i could see he did not share my happiness. He insisted on taking multiple tests, as the first one could have been wrong. Well, they were all positive… His brother was living with us, so he asked him to accompany him outside for a smoke. He told his brother. He later called his older sister, and told her aswell. In my mind, I thought that telling them meant that we were going to keep him, right? I mean, why else would you tell people?!? Turns out I was wrong. He came upstairs later, and told me we cannot have it, as financially we could not do it. He also pointed out that I would have to at least pause University, if not completely quit, and that I did not have a job at that point, and we would simply not afford it. I tried telling him that we can sort this, that money-wise we’ll be okay, as I’ll find a job, and we’ll make it work somehow. I even found a programme at university which offered free childcare to young moms studying there, but he wouldn’t budge. I was so upset. I was kinda dancing with depression before, but this hit me hard. I didn’t want to force him into this. I didn’t want to force him to take responsibility for something only I want, something I get to decide upon. Because he already told his sister, i was able to talk to her, and she said she supported me, and he needed to grow up and take responsibility. Which kind of encouraged me to keep bringing the subject up with him. I can’t say that he forced me to make a choice i didn’t want. But by simply saying he doesn’t want it, we can’t afford to do this, this would just be a hardship in our lives, and a baby would just kill all our dreams, starting with uni- all of this was enough for me to understand where he stood regarding this. I went to the clinic for an ultrasound, and I received the pills (as I was around 7 weeks when i found out, and about 9 when i went to the clinic, i did a medicated one, administerd at home). I went alone to the clinic. Called him when i got out, crying, telling him i don’t want this, and he continued saying it would ruin our lives. So i took the first pill, and drove the 2 hours home crying my eyes out. I couldn’t speak to him, i was just crying, hating myself for what I have done. I took the others a few hours later, but i refused to take any of the pain medicine I was given, as I felt that I had to suffer for my acction. So i was sitting in bed, bleeding and crying, while my partner was in the same room playing on his computer. I thought about suicide, but I couldn’t do that to my grandmas, who both lost their kinds so young (my parents). I simply had no one, and also didn’t want anyone. I deleted my social media, and cut contact with everyone. I was fighting with my partner all the time. I felt so guilty and judged by his brother and sister (they didn’t say anything to me, but because i was judging myself, i assumed everyone who knew was doing the same). I asked why tf did he have to tell them? He said he panicked, and now regrets not having the baby, because he could see how much it afftected me. He then told me that his sister agreed with him, which was a shock for me, since she supported my arguments when i spoke to her. So of course that hurt me. A few weeks later, he told me that his sister was pregnant, and we would have to send her money for her medical appointments and any necesities. Fuming isn’t enough to explain how i felt. She even asked me to buy her a ticket so she could come and visit. She did, and was always pointing out that she is pregnant, and she craves this and that. I just couldn’t be as close to her as i used to be. I was cold, and she was hurt by that. A few weeks later she miscarried, and I felt soo guilty, because i had negative energy towards her. I just felt that somehow i caused it. I was so hurt, and still am. I regret my choice. My partner regrets his choice. I am completely pro-choice, however an abortion wasn’t for me, not when I always dreamt of being a young mom, being able to be there for my child since my mom wasn’t. I feel like I not only betrayed that little glimpse of joy within me, but I betrayed my mom. I feel that I need to be punished, and i keep punishing myself every day. I changed a lot. I find it so hard to move on, to accept that I can’t change the past. I just want to go back, and slap some reality in myself. I am now married to my partner… I went to theapy, and I thought I was fine. But almost 2 years later, I’m not fine. I sometimes feel pure hatred for him, and that scares me, as it isn’t normal in a relationship. After all, it was my choice, I am the only guity individual in this story. I’m sorry for the long story, i just dont have anyone to share this with. Please, make the best choice for YOU, not for anyone else in your life. You’re the one that’s going to live with it for the rest of your life.