I Wanted to Scream “I won’t forget, not ever…never”

July 4, 2012 No Comments »

Early May I started getting symptoms of being pregnant, by early June I had missed my period and my boyfriend insisted I take a test, he bought it and insisted I take it at his house, I got so angry cause I thought he didn’t trust me to be honest with him if I took it home. I guess he saw my emotions on my face cause he was quick to take my face in his hands, look me directly in the eye and say, if it is that you’re pregnant I want to be there for you and be apart of whatever panic and confusion you might feel. I studied him trying to figure out if he was being sincere or patronizing me. But as I stared at him I saw nothing but the love and concern he felt for me. I took the test and I remember the feeling so clearly as I saw those two pink lines appear almost instantly, and even though deep down I had known, seeing the evidence was like a kick to my chest. I stumbled almost blindly back to the room, laid the test stick on the desk where he was sitting and slowly eased myself to the ground. I didn’t want to look at him in case his reaction wasn’t what I wanted but I couldn’t help but stare at him, I saw panic first, he quickly pulled it together and looked for me. Saw me sitting there and reached out his hands and led me to the edge of the bed, he looked at me and said well ok what now? I couldn’t answer, I couldn’t think. I was scared that he would be unsupportive, scared I would do the wrong thing. I guess he saw I was struggling cause he then said ok lets talk about our options, option 1. keeping it, lets seriously think about you being 19 and already taking care of your family and me 23 taking care of mine can we bring a child into the mix and give it a proper life? I thought about it and I realized or understood what I already knew, timing was off and it would ruin so many lives including the life of my unborn child, sad thing is at the time I volunteered at an orphanage and saw children end up there not cause they had no parents but because their parents couldn’t take care of them and I couldn’t bare the thought of that being my child’s fate, I told him what I thought and I could see it hurt him to agree with me but he had to. We then discuss abortion and the next step in that direction, neither one of us liked the idea, to put it bluntly its murder, but we felt we had no choice. I turned on my side my back towards him, I could feel my facade threatening to slip away, i hated the choice I had just made and I didn’t want him to see me cry but he wasn’t having any of that he turned my body to to face his, he looked at me and said, don’t shut me out, let me help let me be apart of this with you, I cant imagine what this will be like for you and I want to be there for you, I wish it was different and I would like nothing better than for you the be the mother of my child. I saw the pain and regret in his eyes but I saw something else I saw that no matter what he wouldn’t leave me alone. I went to the clinic and decided to do a home abortion with pills but I took an ultrasound and found out that I was too early and the chances of it being successful was low, I’d have to wait a couple of weeks. The wait was stressful for both of us, I lashed out on him, told him what I thought was important, I had morning sickness, cramps, all the unpleasantness that came with being pregnant but in that time I also grew to love what was in me and what was happening to me, I grew resentful that I couldn’t shout this gift from the roof tops. Began to hate my bf for being on the abortion train even though technically so was I. All too soon it came time to do what had to be done, 19th June 12:00 midnight I took the pills vaginally and waited, 30 minutes later I went into “labor” and nothing could have prepared me for the pain I felt. It lasted hours and it I felt like I might die..by morning it was over and the cramping started by 9 am i felt something of an unusual size come out of me, when I checked I saw that it was the sac. I lost it then, I collapsed and started crying all the time staring at it whispering “what did I do?” my baby. took me an hour to pull myself together but I did and locked away the feelings, I told my bf about the sac but didn’t tell him what I went through emotionally. I thought that was it, 2 days later again I went through alot of pain and 15 mins later felt something slide out of me once again, I got scared and checked immediately, as I pulled down my panties something solid fell out, hit the ground and I heard a thud. As I stared at it closely I made out a shape of a baby the size of my palm. Words cannot begin to explain how I felt then looking at it, seeing its hands, so tiny you could miss it but still there, I wanted to scream. After that day I cried myself to sleep had nightmares, felt a sense of lost for a child I had grown to love. My bf was supportive throughout the entire ordeal but I didn’t tell him about my mental and emotional state. I couldn’t put him through my personal hell, I was lonely, it’s been little over two weeks and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it or forgive myself for that, I believed it would have been a boy, and even after what has happened I think of his memory as my son. I love him If I could talk to him I’d say I’m sorry, mommy loves you so much and I think about you every day, Im so sorry…I won’t forget, not ever…never

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