I’m 32 and have and 11 year old Daughter. I got pregnant with an ex boyfriend who was just released from prison for a previous domestic violence charge against me. Ya, I know, what the hell was I thinking right? Well the first time we had sex when he was released, I got pregnant. I told myself before this all happened that if I ever got pregnant again I would definitely get an abortion because I only wanted one child and I didn’t want to start over. Well here we are now, pregnant and with a not so nice man. I knew when I found out that if I kept the baby, the dad most likely wouldn’t be involved. I had just lost my car, I was behind on rent, really struggling with my daughter and I knew affording another baby alone was impossible…but I did have days of hope. Days where I thought I could finish school or a trade in 9 months and become sufficient enough to care for a new baby. Then the days of impending doom came. The father would tell me it wasn’t his, or we would be in these toxic battles, always fighting, begging me to keep it then telling me to have an abortion. My mom also wanted me to have an abortion. I even made an 8 week appointment after I canceled my first abortion appointment. Then I made another abortion appointment and went…it was so fast…I wish I gave myself more time… I remember laying on the table during the procedure. I was sobbing and begging God to forgive me. It was the most painful and traumatic experience of my life. It took me two days for my mistake to set in. Today is day 2 after my abortion, present time…I found my tests in my drawer and my heart sunk. I couldn’t breathe, I feel an overwhelming feeling of regret that is unexplainable. I feel selfish and impulsive. I want to go back in time and save my baby. I let too many outside influences affect the way I felt and ultimately my decision to terminate my pregnancy. I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away. Just stop and really think about it. I have no support and I know now that I could’ve rose to the challenge and made it happen. I was just too weak and too scared.
I was lying on the table sobbing as I asked God to forgive me.