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I’m haunted by the what ifs 

by Admin

Sitting in a doctor’s office at 14 waiting for a prescription for an ear infection I was told I needed to go see an Obgyn. I was confused. For an ear infection? I had no idea I was pregnant. I had only had sex one time. I made an appointment with the OBGYN and learned I was 7 weeks along. I heard the fetal heart beat and got an ultrasound. Pictures were printed out for me to keep. I was scared but excited. The morning sickness hit me hard.. and wasn’t just designated for the morning… It lasted all day. I was vomiting constantly.. I lost around 20 lbs my first trimester do to not being able to hold anything down. My I remained happy about my pregnancy.. putting the ultrasound pictures in my binder at school and showing my baby off. I had even picked out a name Trinity Lynn. I was living with my sister then in Texas.. at around 20 weeks my dad called me and convinced me to come home to Washington. I boarded a plane and at take off as we were climbing in altitude i felt my baby kicking for the first time that I can remember. It was surreal. I was in awe and loved the feeling of my baby inside of me. The morning after returning home I woke up with the same morning sickness had my entire pregnancy.. my dad questioned why I had thrown up and I responded Duh… I’m pregnant. He looked at me with out emotion and said that we should sit down and write up a pros and cons list. He took the lead in naming all the things that having a baby could and would effect. I was left sitting In silence as my dad made my mind up for me to get an abortion. I felt powerless as I had always listened to my dad. He knew what was best. Besides where would I go if I said no.. he said I either got an abortion or I had to go and find somewhere else to live and raise my baby. Where would we live? I had never been on state assistance and didn’t have a clue as to how to go about getting it. I was sad and depressed. Back then you had to have a doctor sign off on the abortion. After being taken in an office by my long time family doctor and asked questions he brought out the paper my dad had handed him to sign and told my dad that he couldn’t sign it because I did not wish to have the abortion. My dad thanked the doctor and told him he would. Find one that would sign it and we walked away. I don’t remember seeing another doctor. But I do remember the first day of my abortion. My dad and my step mom parked the car and walking to the clinic and up the stairs I heard the screaming of the protesters calling me a murder and that my child deserved to live. In the waiting room I sat there watching my parents fill out the extensive paper work and then I was called back to an ultrasound room. I’m not sure but the lady doing the ultrasound didn’t seem to have known prior to the start of the ultrasound how far along I was because when she seen the image on the screen she gasped. Which cause me to flinch and react and stare straight at the screen asking “is there something wrong with me baby?!” Knowing she had made a mistake in showing any reaction she turned the screen away from my view and said… No nothing at all. And proceeded to do the measurements needed for the procedure. I then remember quickly being in a counselors office. But again I don’t remember being given a choice or hearing what the process would be. The next thing I know I was having seaweed rods put into my cervix to help me dialate to send me into labor and was sent home for the night. The next morning I was taken back to the clinic this time with just my step mom. I don’t remember anything but being in the room screaming and having the doctor stop what he was doing and ask me to quit down as I was scaring the other patients. My mom was next to me telling me if I was a good girl we could go shopping when it was all done and over. I couldn’t tell you how long the procedure lasted or even what happened in the following days.. I was told that we shouldn’t talk about it. It was done and over with. If I needed to blame someone then blame my dad as it was his decision. But I couldn’t help but feel as though I was a murdering coward who couldn’t protect my child. To scared to go against my dad and to scared to raise my baby alone and to scared to fail at being a mother at 14. I could have prevented it but I didn’t. It has been 24 years since that day. 24 years of regret and shame and self hate. 24 yrs of wondering what if.. what if I would have had my baby.. would I have been better? Would I have turned to drugs and sex as a numbing tool for the pain that it caused me? Would I have all these mental issues? Would I have turned out to be in relationship after relationship of abusers and narcissists? I will never know. I carry the guilt and shame with me every single day. And I’m haunted by the what ifs just as often.

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2 comments

SHIRLEY J. October 24, 2022 - 10:24 am

I AM WEEPING AND MY ❤ IS RACING AS I READ THIS! I HAVE A SICK FEELING I. NEED TO LAY DOWN

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KJB November 1, 2022 - 1:14 pm

My heart breaks for you. I’m so sorry this was forced upon you. Know that it’s not your fault. As a child, you should not have to make the decision you were forced to make. That is abuse. And I imagine your parents live with a lot of guilt & shame that they may not admit. The trauma you endured is most likely the cause of the issues you face, While you will never forget, you can find healing and forgiveness that will change your life for the better. Please find an abortion healing group. Most crisis pregnancy centers offer them.

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