Her

by Admin

My life would not be complete without her.

Let me explain, when I first knew of her existence… I felt sick to my stomach with disgust. I felt like it was unreal. I felt the need to abort. Not because I didn’t want her, because I didn’t want to be called out on being a hypocrite. Because I didn’t want to tell my parents I’ve been lying to them. Because I wasn’t happy in the moment. 

I wanted the problem fixed. Sitting on the toilet I literally took about 8 tests, all different brands, googling if a pregnancy test could be a false positive. I could feel my gut drop and blood drain from my body. How could I be in college, work a full time job, not have my own place, and have a baby? I could do it, and just not tell anyone. I was going to google the number to talk about an abortion, until I could hear my own voice in my head telling me this is a child. This is MY child who has life and deserves a chance. My cluttered thoughts went to a discussion I literally had with my mother the previous week. For some reason we were talking about mothers who’ve gone through with abortions. My mom mentioned that probably a majority would go through their life knowing “my baby would have been 1 years old today… my baby would be starting kindergarten today… my baby would be graduating high school… and would have been there to keep company when they grow old and lonely.” I knew in my heart in that moment that I didn’t want that to be me. I knew I would think of my baby everyday if I had gone through with an abortion. And I couldn’t do that. 

My next thought was Jesse. How would he react. He was working odd jobs and in college ready to start the nursing program. Would he be happy? Would he want me to have an abortion? And for some reason, out of instinct, I knew if he pressured me to have an abortion I would break up with him and continue forward without him. How could I build a life with someone who would end the life of our child? And yet.. I just about did that myself. And the guilt sunk in. 

When I told Jesse, he thought was playing a prank on him. I remember him not being able to eat because he was so stressed out. His first words after running his fingers through his hair was, “Looks like I’m not finishing school.” I guess in his mind he felt he needed to get a full time job as fast as he could to prepare and provide for me and this child now. All that built up tension in me went to relief knowing that he didn’t want to just erase the outcome of our actions but to own our actions. 

When we told my parents and his, they were surprised but became the biggest blessings I could have. Instead of shaming me, they encouraged me. They told me how important my child was and they would be there for us. 

Fast forward later into pregnancy, my morning sickness was an all day thing throughout the entire 9 months. I think back to my mom brushing my hair back so I could vomit in the sink. I think back to being sick the morning of our wedding day and having a little baby bump to keep me company. I remember being sick on our honeymoon and running to the bathroom all the time during student teaching. I remember how Jesse looked when we met our baby girl. I remember the overwhelming love I felt for him as he was watching me in those first moments. I remember his tears, his gentle smile. 

I remember not being able to connect with her right away. I remember gradually feeling like myself again and fully accepting the role as her mommy. I wrote my EdTPA while I nursed her. I graduated with my degree while she watched me. 

She became the first Holbrook girl, the first granddaughter on both sides of the family; she became my heart. Looking back, I would have missed out on so much of my life if I had called for an abortion and went through with it. She’s made me grow to become stronger, bolder, and helped me when I didn’t know I needed her. 

I feel like many women have unplanned pregnancies similar to mine where we had the knowledge and preventative resources, but didn’t use them. I was told by someone in my friend group that the problem is easily fixed with an abortion. While not all women regret their abortions, an enormous amount of abortion stories reveal that many do. Some that I’ve been personally told. These women have severe regrets, grief, and other emotional trauma after their experience. 

Yes, having a child naturally comes with difficulties, but the blessings amount to much greater than I could have ever imagined. My life would not be complete without her. And I know I’m not the only one.

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1 comment

Tricia S. June 25, 2022 - 9:15 pm

Praise God for your testimony. Your daughter is blessed to have you and her daddy. I’m so grateful that your family was able to be a support and help to you both. Keep sharing the hope!

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