Delayed grief

I was 24 when I made the terrible decision to go through with abortion. One good friend encouraged me because she was a young single mother and warned me of the struggles. My other good friend encouraged me to keep my baby, but she was supporting her own by stripping and was not doing right by her own child. The father of my baby was a drug dealer who had 4 children, which I only learned later. He said he “didn’t know what he could do for me” so I got scared and went through with it. My parents did not approve of him at all. He was murdered over drugs a month or so later. When he died, people told me “see, you did the right thing”; however, I never felt it was right. I moved on after some grieving and worked with children for the next 20 plus years, which seemed to distract me from the pain. I never forgot what I did and prayed for my baby, but I was doing OK. I did not consider having a baby until later in life but fertility issues prevented that. I fell into a deep pit of depression and anxiety which took me right back to my past. I cry everyday and mourn over my lost baby. I feel selfish to have even wanted another baby because God blessed me with a gift, but I did not accept, so how dare I consider becoming a Mom. In a way, I think my desire to have a baby later with fail was for a reason..to process my guilt and grief that I stuffed away for so many years. I seek spiritual counsel and pray, but I do not think abortion is something a woman can fully get over. This past 2years have been the most darkest of my life. From thoughts of suicide to not even bringing myself to come to work. I work with kids and it has been my passion, but has become a trigger for me. I cringe when I see Mother’s and their children because that should have been me. I think God is punishing me from time time, and this is why I am childless. I would tell anyone who is considering abortion to save their baby and also themselves from a life of grief, guilt and regret. Abortion can destroy a womans soul. It is only by the grace of God that I am still here and can function day to day. I also credit antidepressants for that, which I never thought I would resort to them. I believe I am in a soul tie with the deceased Father because there is a soul of a baby somewhere connecting us, and his memory has become so strong after so many years of moving on. I wish I were smarter back then and my heart goes out to young women who are scared and feel this is the best option. 🙏💙