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It just hurts so bad

by Admin

I thought I was doing the right thing with getting an abortion. I knew we didn’t have the time, money, or patience to raise a child and that I would be ruining my boyfriend’s life and that child’s life as well. I didn’t realize that it would effect me as much as it has. The unbearable guilt and regret of the abortion has destroyed me entirely. All of this pain and heartache is too much to live with. All I feel is am overwhelming empty sadness that won’t go away. I am so angry. I’m drowning in a deep dark hole of emotions I don’t understand. If I had known how overwhelmingly unbearable this pain would feel, I don’t know if I could have done it. I have always disliked children, never thought of having any of my own until I was pregnant and then everything changed. I wanted to keep it so badly, but I was so afraid and ashamed to admit it to myself and to him. I had always thought he didn’t want children as well and when we found out about the pregnancy besides asking if I was in shock the words out of his mouth was about abortion so I wrongly assumed that’s what he wanted. I never would have guessed that he wanted to keep it. He said it was my choice and that he would surport any decision I made. I thought I would be ruining his life had I kept it. I have to live with this horrible choice I made for the rest of my life. Even though the baby doesn’t exist anymore, it’s brief existence in my womb changed my life forever. It just hurts so bad to be alive like this. I don’t blame anyone, I did this to myself. It’s my fault, everything is my fault. If that little one didn’t deserve life neither do I. I have not been eating much lately because I deserve to feel empty. I am a void where things go to die. My baby would have been born sometime in April. I’m going to kill myself then if I don’t do that anytime before. I feel like I deserve to die, all I do is fuck up and hurt everyone. Everyday is like a nightmare progressing on.


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Sandy November 25, 2020 - 8:34 pm

Dear “It just hurts so bad”,
Please know that you are loved and you are not alone. Many women have been where you are. Healing is possible. God LOVES you so much no matter what.
So many people are available to guide you on a journey to healing!

Sandy November 25, 2020 - 8:38 pm

Please reach out to
They can help you and/or point you to a good resource for your healing.
Have hope! You are loved!

Alice Meyers December 6, 2020 - 9:21 am

To “it just hurts so bad” I had 2 abortions after 5 living children. I don’t know your faith but I believe Jesus died for all sin including abortion and we are forgiven when we accept Him as our Savior. We are cleansed of our sins Our aborted ones are with Him in Heaven and we will rejoice with them one day. Good news! If I didn’t believe in His forgiveness I would also be in despair. I do still have to fight guilt at times but God says we are not guilty and I focus on that

Becca December 6, 2020 - 1:20 pm

Dear “it hurts so bad”,
Jesus came to cleanse us from our guilt and shame. You are so loved.
You are valid. You are enough. There is no place God’s love does not reach.
I encourage you to seek professional counseling if you can. There is no shame in seeking help. You deserve to feel loved because you are!

Ariel December 21, 2020 - 5:31 pm

Dear It Just Hurts So Bad,
I have a friend who also dealt with guilt, despair, and pain over her choice to have an abortion.
After years of it she was lead to believe that she is forgiven and washed clean. She is in a wonderful place now! She has three beautiful babies and a loving supportive husband who helped her overcome her guilt from having an abortion. We are all sinners in need of forgiveness! Your pain and sadness is heart wrenching, and I pray you can reach out for the forgiveness of Christ and find the will to live. He died to pay the price for all of our sins. I encourage you to seek Biblical Counseling, some churches offer it free of cost.

Christine Byrd December 22, 2020 - 1:53 pm

Hey now. I understand very much. I aborted my baby at 6 weeks. I was just 20. About to start nursing school. I knew better and I played a reckless game. It was my fault that I got pregnant. That was 35 years ago. The fact that 35 years later, I am searching online for solace should attest to the fact that you are not alone in your guilt and sorrow. It wasn’t until 6 months after my abortion (so hard to use that term) that what I had done hit me. I woke up in a panic from a dream: I was sitting in an old-fashioned, wooden play pen with my curly haired 6 month old and a pair of hands swept down and took him away. After that? Three years of panic attacks. I went to a priest. I told my parents. I went on an antidepressant that was supposed to help with the panic attacks. I even told my new boyfriend of 6 months (now my husband) about it. Because his family, like mine, are Catholics (he didn’t care, but that’s how horrible I felt about what I did). Listen my friend, there is no way that we will ever forget what we did. But 35 years on, the guilt has decreased…no more daily thoughts about what I did, no more fear of Hell…nevertheless, it happened. We chose it. We are not alone in this. My baby would be 35. And you know what really angers me? When people say stuff like, “It wasn’t really a baby.” And etcetera. My reply? Ohhh so you weren’t a baby at 6 weeks? Hmmmm…because here you are. Darling hang on. You are no more guilty than your peers. We understand. I was adopted at 7 weeks. Adoption was out of the question: never would I put a child through that. I pray and hope that when I die, if I get to go to Heaven, I will meet my son (I just feel that he was a boy.) and say, “Hello. I have missed you.”