Lost soul

by Admin

I am 21 years old and I thought life was finally getting a little better after so many traumatic events I went through in less than a year.. I had just turned 21 , got out of a abusive toxic relationship, and finally starting to lose so much weight and feeling happy and free again.. I had just started my weight loss business, started a new job and I just felt like everything was finally coming around a little bit, after a few weeks of me starting my business I felt like my body was starting to change , I had irregular periods but I felt like something was off it was going into 3 months of no period. I kind of brushed it off my shoulders because I just wasn’t interested in messing up my life even more so i felt like ignoring it.

A week later the morning I was supposed to get ready for work I woke up 6 am to swollen breast and rushed to the bathroom to vomit .. the vomit was abnormal because there was blood in the vomit..I texted my manager to let her know I will not be coming in & I rushed to urgent care and waited In the waiting room for an hour but time passed on I started to feel sick again and sweat all over my face .. I had a gut feeling it can be pregnancy but once again I ignored it because me and my ex was no longer together so I did not want to think about something that can make me sad.. while waiting I rushed to the bathroom where I threw up again .. finally from the bathroom I hear my name is called. 

I went to the back where the nurse asked me lots of questions but her final question was “are you pregnant?” I looked at her in a shocked expression because hearing that out loud and having no answer to the question kind of made it real? Immediately I told her I wasn’t sure.. she told me to take a test , gave me a cup to urinate in and etc .. 

She came back to let me know I was pregnant and from that day forward everything CHANGED! I was very emotional and scared because I was pregnant before (last year) and had a miscarriage and I thought to myself “could this be a sign? Could this be my rainbow baby?” Some feeling inside really wanted me to keep this baby but there was so many cons to why I shouldn’t .. I told my ex and he completely denied it ever being his , I still lived under my judgmental parents roof , just started a new job , barely any money , no car , little savings .. I knew I couldn’t keep a baby and provide a life for this baby .. as the days go by I felt closer and closer to being a mother. 

Breast swollen , weight gain , morning sickness , mood swings , always crying or overreacting , couldn’t keep any food down , always sick , always tired , wanted every food I saw (lol) more and more I felt happy to become a mom but once again .. felt like I shouldn’t 

I finally came to a decision because I felt as though my pregnancy was ruining my life .. ruining my bonds with people , making me into a person I wasn’t and my life already sucked so I did not want to make things worse especially with bringing a innocent baby into the world, Even my friends told me I wasn’t ready. 

I made my appointment and things got into the way of the first appointment and I immediately thought that was a sign to not go through with things until I had a heated conversation with my ex who just made me feel completely alone , I already couldn’t tell my parents and I do not have siblings (only child) so I was definitely completely ALONE! 

I re-scheduled the appointment and this time I went through with things.. little did I know this would be the WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE! , I decided to do the pill method because I thought the surgical would put me to sleep and when I got there they told me they do not put their patients to sleep, so I decided I would just go through this difficult time at home in my own space on my own 🙁 

As I walked into planned parenthood I just felt embarrassed as if people knew what I was going there for .. as if they can just look at me and tell I am going to do such a foul thing , a mother walked in with her daughter and I started to sob 🙁 I was alone , I was scared , this is my first abortion , I felt a connection with my baby at this point .. I just wanted to back out but I know I couldn’t. 

I waited (a very long time) which is how it felt just to be in there for not even 15 mins .. I went to back when my name was finally called and the nurse talked to me about what will happen etc , got my information , prick my finger to see blood type & ultrasound😥 ..the nurse told me I do not have to see and I have time to back out if I wanted to (multiple times) I was not confident about my decision but did what I felt was right (at the time), I told myself I did not want to see my baby I only wanted to know how far along.. but when it was time and she asked me if I wanted to look “yes” came rolling from my tongue. I saw my baby and felt my heart sank to the bottom , the lady that was in there with me asked me one more time before handing me my water and first pill and I just said yes .. she told me I was 9 weeks exactly but something didn’t sit right with me .. 

I took the first pill anyway like a idiot and that’s where things got tricky .. they told me I had 48 hours to take the last pill , I received opioids for the pain , ibuprofen, and anti nausea medication. 

I decided to take the ultrasound with me to compare it to my ultrasound from my pregnancy from last year .. my baby died at 9 weeks and my baby in the ultrasound wasn’t nearly as big as the baby in this ultrasound? I showed my friends to make sure I wasn’t losing my mind and they just told me to get over with it already .

Next day I took my next pill around 11pm an hour after getting off work and immediately went to sleep right after .. pain level around that time 6 , I woke up around 3 am and pain level jumped from 6.5 to a 12 in less than 5 minutes, my friend on the phone calmed me down and told me to breathe , I took more ibuprofen and opioids to calm the pain a little bit more and went right back to sleep, next morning I felt normal but it was time to sit on the toilet and let everything come out.. 

I sat on the toilet and closed my eyes as I pulled down my pants .. nothing there, after about 5 mins I felt something come out of me but it was HUGE ! For some reason I was curious and this is where my life kind of fell apart , I was so curious I decided to look into the toilet but the blood was so dark I couldn’t see anything , so I grabbed a toilet bowl cleaner stick and moved it around so I can see .. there was my baby fully formed and big as can be .. my heart was crushed ! I immediately started crying and screaming because I can’t believe what I just saw .. I called my bestfriend and balled my eyes out to her I felt betrayed , I felt as though that nurse was so in a rush for some reason she didn’t check to see how far along I really was .. I still feel in my heart I was way further along and I will get to the bottom of this .. everyday after that I lived with guilt , sadness , sorrow , the after affect of abortion is living HELL! my pain worsen , I had to walk around in adult diapers because of how much blood is coming out , my body felt like it was hit by a Mack truck , stomach feels like period cramps times 20 , my boobs feel like I strapped 20 bricks onto my chest , I can’t lay on them I can’t do too much walking and jumping , constantly calling out of work because of the pain .. life is just horrible , but nothing hurts more than feeling that guilt and feeling that lonesome , the weekend I went through the after effects my parents were out of town for 3 days straight and me going through that and being alone took a lot from me and messed with me physically , I can’t get the baby out of my brain .. everytime I close my eyes I see it. 

I just wish I can rewind time and instead of feeling hopeless change my life for the better so I could’ve gave my baby everything they need instead of being selfish and taking it’s life .. I dream about my baby , I dreamed it was a girl .. I tell my self everyday that I will never get pregnant again .. but I’ll do it all over again this time minus the abortion .. keep my baby girl and protect her since no one protected me .. 

Whenever I am blessed to become a mommy I will do my very best and be the best mommy I can be .. im sorry baby , im sorry that I took your life and I know now it’s nothing I can do but it hurts me so much everyday that instead of choosing you ! I choose myself & I choose everyone else’s feelings 🙁 I hope you can forgive me .. I love you.

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