I miss you, I’m sorry, I regret it. 

How to start this off, I don’t even know. I was 20 years old, with a one year old. I remember it like it was yesterday. Had a suspicion I could be pregnant, took a test, boom, pregnant. I remember feeling shocked. A little excited for some reason at first, but mostly worried. I didn’t want another child. I never wanted to have another baby. I actually didn’t ever want to have children. Ive always been pro choice, I had spoken with my husband before I got pregnant again and we had both agreed should we ever accidentally fall pregnant, abortion is the right choice for us. We both were 10000% certain we didn’t want more kids. Fast forward back to my positive test. I told my husband and right away, he said he didn’t want it, he didn’t want us to keep it. I didn’t make a decision for two weeks. So for two weeks I was Flip flopping on whether I should keep this baby or not. I never could come to a solid decision that I was certain I wanted, nothing felt right for me. My heart wanted to keep the baby but logical side of me said no, I can’t handle the stress of another baby on top of my crazy active clingy little toddler along with the plans for this next phase of my life. On impulse, in a single day I made the decision to abort. Went to planned parenthood. There I sat waiting for what felt like the longest time for them to call me back. I sat there wanting them to come out quickly before I could change my mind, but also dreading them calling my name because I was hoping someone would tell me not to do it, before I could get the chance to take that stupid pill. Long story short they called me in, I went back, and took the first pill and got sent home with the second pill. It felt wrong. I felt like I was making a mistake and I was a little emotional for the rest of the day, nothing too crazy. I fell asleep that night praying to God saying I’m sorry and praying that the pills don’t work. The next morning I had already regretted it. I talked to my husband about it, with hopes that we could figure out a way to keep it. After some research about the chances of baby’s survival after exposure to the first pill, and nudging from my husband I took the second pill. A few hours later the process started. All I can say is, I had never cried so hard in my entire life. Every heartbreak, every pain, every “horrible” thing that has ever happened to me was nothing compared to the deep sadness i felt when I knew my baby was gone. Nothing mattered to me anymore. Every stupid thing that led up to me making the choice to abort didn’t matter anymore. I just wanted my baby back. I would of given anything to have my baby back. but it was too late. I’ll never be the same, and there’s nothing I regret in my life more, than taking those stupid stupid pills. I still say sorry. I held my stomach that day saying I’m sorry over and over again. I loved my baby. In my heart I wanted to keep it. But being scared pushed me the other way and I regret it so deeply. I loved my baby and I’m heartbroken still. It’ll stay with me forever and I will never forget the pain I felt that day. My sweet baby I never got the chance to meet, I’m sorry. To all the women considering abortion, All I wanna say is I always thought I’d have no problem having an abortion myself. Now I’ve had one myself and I’m forever changed. My heart will ache forever.