Who Would You Have Been? 

I am a big sister of two siblings (on my dad’s side) -they are half siblings but they have wholly grown on me. I am about 10-14 years older than them. One is 20 and the other is 17. And now I have reached my 30s. So I was an only child for a good amount of time. I never thought I would want to be a sibling. I had seen my friends who were the eldest and would have to care for their younger siblings -in a sense be a second mom. It seemed stressful to me and well I was concerned about having to do much of the raising given that my mom really was not in the most stable of places. One could say I was selfish but it was just how I felt at the time.

This story is not the story of a women who has had an abortion rather I am the sibling of the aborted children. My mother, from what I know, had had two abortions. One for sure was my full blooded sibling. On some level, I think I just pushed my own feelings to the side like well the babies never came to be and I know my mom made a difficult choice but also one I feel like at the time, she did the best she could with what she had. I’m not mad at her. I can only imagine the pain and confusion she must have been in. And of course I am grateful she ended up having me. Only God knows why I was chosen and not my other siblings. 

Now that I’m pregnant with my first and experiencing all the things both crazy and amazing, I cannot help but think about my siblings up in heaven. Who they would have been like and how our relationship would have been. I am blessed to have a crazy close relationship with my 20 year old sister. It’s like we were made from the same universal cloth. And well my brother -he’s a teen but I still love him a bunch. 

When my mom told me, she was so overwhelmed with shame and grief, I couldn’t think about my own feelings at the time. But as this journey is unfolding before me, I can’t help to think about them now and what could have been. Maybe they’re like my guardian angels helping me along -that is a beautiful thought. They’re in my heart now and I no longer want to minimize their lives or their meaning to me. I’m sure they would have driven me crazy and I’m also sure we would have shared some unbelievably amazing moments too. So, I am grateful for places like this who offer support to women holding the grief of their child and hopefully room for me too grieving their siblings. This is to my siblings -may you be at peace and happy with the Lord. You are loved.