It doesn’t only kill your baby but also your soul

It started in March 2018, when I and my friend with benefits (currently my boyfriend) found out I was pregnant. We were having finals at that time. And it was shock for me that i will ever go against my ethics my morals. But I had to. I had abortion pills. The pain was still there when I got pregnant with another baby. I figured it out myself. As I was having morning sickness. I was away from my boyfriend at that time. I didnt let him know what was actually going on. I was hoping to have the baby. And I named her after “Summer”. I was dreaming to hold her someday. Her tiny hands,tiny feets, chuuby cheeks thats all I had in my mind. I bought some clothes for her too. After a month I came back to my country. And the day after I told my boyfriend that I have a feeling I’m pregnant again. His face became pale..then the next day we met again. He came with a pregnancy testing kit to check if im faking it. I did the test and showed him. He took me to the hospital for testing my hcg level. The result showed i was two months pregnant. Afterwards we went to many doctors, some of them were against the abortion, because i already had one the previous year. I has praying too hard to hear from him “let’s have the baby, let’s be parents” But that didn’t happen. I had an ultrasound where I could hear the heartbeat of my baby, summer! After hearing that sound, during all the period of time I dont know why I couldn’t not speak up my mind. I was telling to myself “no no I dont want to kill my baby. She’s growing inside me. Im tired of killing. Please let me have her ” but I was doing as he was asking me to do. The clinical abortion day came. He came to my house to take me to the clinic. And i went just like a good girl. I was seating infront of the waiting room wearing those hospital gown. Then I had this courage to speak up that I dont want to go through this procedure. I want to have my baby. If I want to raise it by my own. I will. So I stood up and I moved towards the door. Then the nurse stopped me saying you can’t go outside unless your partner takes you out. I asked to inform my partner that I wanted to speak. But he wasn’t even there. I was forced to go to the room i was crying like a baby that I dont want this abortion i want to hold my baby in my hands. But the doctor seemed reluctant. She told me these are just some hormones you will be fine in 30 minutes. Then i dont remember what happened because they injected me something to put me asleep. I woke up, my partner was seating in front of me and I was smiling just like nothing happened. Ever since that day I still cannot forget myself for not standing up for my baby, for me! It’s been almost 2 years. There is no single day I dont remember what happened to me. I still want to scream loud to those people that I dont want to have the abortion, let me have my baby. I went into chronical depression. I was suicidal. I went to rehab. I tried to hang myself. I was put in the icu for days. When I still talk about it to my partner he’s always like “oh thats been years ago. Forget it” but no i can’t. Because I can’t forget that I stood up for my baby at the final moment. And I looked for my partner to get me out the operation room. I was forcefully asleep by some medication so that those money wrecker can get some money by doing those procedures. The whole incident has shattered my whole life, my plan for life, my goal. I ask myself if I will ever able to forget myself or ill be just like this. In my subconscious mind, I can still hear the heartbeats of my little summer. For those who are reading my letter. Please think before you decide something. Let your mind speak. Dont let others decide what to do. Please