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 words I couldn’t say to him

by Admin

I blame you. I blame you for everything. I scream “THATS NOT FAIR” a million times in my head as my chest no longer feels heaviness but tightness instead. I imagine what life could’ve been if I avoided you from the start and just not at the end; what’s the beginning if there’s no ending? And vice versa. Everything within me wants to yell “I HATE YOU” as I sit here at work, typing this out. I’m tired; I wanted you to be there, I wanted YOU to be HERE. I had to go through this abortion by myself, because you lost too much? you didn’t want to miss work because you already missed sm days the week before? but you could give me a baby so easy…. ”THATS NOT FAIR” is repeating in my head to the point my soul is vibrating creating anxiety. This is killing me except it’s not fatal, just a type of suffering where I don’t die. Wait, not only are you not here with me? But you’re with your family.. the one you hid from me, assuming I knew? Are you serious, have you not heard the news about me either? I’m just gonna assume like you assumed I knew about your family, that you knew I haven’t been home for a whole year… are you kidding? No way you didn’t know that, how was I suppose to keep tabs on you? We haven’t talked since 8th grade, we graduated hs in 2019 and 2020. Now that we rekindled our hearts desires, oh how we used to like each other back then, just kids… calling on a phone a whole summer, I was your crush; you were mine. Ugh, I could reminisce about us but instead, back to reality- where I was pregnant with your baby; I was grieving our baby the whole time while you were seeing yours. I couldn’t escape the harsh reality, one where single moms are so common on the reservation, that I didn’t want to add to that truth. where the guys can leave and persuade new, without worrying about the baby they left. IM SO PROUD OF YOU, OMG OF US, we beat those statistics right? We didn’t add on to them instead we added on to our own stats of depression, anxiety, guilt, anger, loneliness… yeah, at least I have my future back on track to meet my family’s expectations.. I know I am a murder, it’s a sad story I got an abortion, and that I find it difficult to move on with life when I just want it to stop. “ITS NOT FAIR!!!” I have to deal w guilt of losing our baby boy, remember you told me that? That how I was acting you could tell it was a boy? No coincidence I had a dream of a baby boy. I wish you could fulfill a hole missing but you can’t, you’re the reason why I have that hole! Not to mention, your baby mama exposed the pictures you took of me to your group chat.. that YOU took, my baby for yours, my body not yours, her over me… when does it end? now everything appears to be calm.. but this injustice I feel. she’s doesn’t know about the abortion, because if she did, you’d lose you daughter.. OH GOD!! GOD! I was selfish yet so selfless. God what was I thinking!? What was he thinking?! I scream it’s not fair.. I lost everything for him. I went through everything by myself only to do everything not for myself. To change this, I would.. but that’s not enough so instead I blame you. blame you… no more… selfish to be selfless.

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