Since I can’t tell anyone this out loud, I guess I will tell it to this website and anyone who reads this. I can’t tell them what to do but I can tell my story, which is sadly that I had more than one abortion. The first time I was 21 and with a man much older than I – and I was madly in love with him. He apologized for forcing me into it and said he knew he was coercing me, but if I didn’t have the abortion he would never see me again or marry me. I told him I was afraid of going to hell and that we had the financial means and there was really no excuse but that made no difference to him. It was do this or lose him and I was young and dumb enough to think he was more important. I am angry at him to this day that he wouldn’t even go with me. He still has no children 19 yes Later.
Later in life mental illness, now controlled by medication, often caused me to have poor judgment and act out, so I landed myself in the same situation. I went back and forth until I thought about killing myself – I felt I couldn’t do it again but I did due to enormous disapproval from my family (who has financial means to help) and my not wanting to deal with this man being in my life long term – not a good guy. At least I’m smart enough to pay attention to my body/cycle and realized immediately I was pregnant. I gave myself 10 days to decide – I was not going to have anywhere near a second trimester one if I was going to have one. I have no idea how someone could go through with it later than that. I didn’t want to be near the end of the first trimester. I was forced to be shown the ultrasound images, it has been over a decade since I saw them and they are still stuck in my mind. I can’t think about it. I can’t talk about it. I carry so much shame. I know my family would have come around when a baby showed up and would have been there for me emotionally and financially. I am blessed with two incredible children now. But when I suffered two miscarriages I told the nurse that I got my what I deserved – and I was broken. She said it doesn’t work that way and maybe it doesn’t, but I couldn’t shake it. I hope the Lord forgives me.
1 comment
First of all I just want to say I’m so sorry you went through this and I hope that one day you are able to work with someone to deal with some of this trauma. Second I want to say that the Lord does forgive you. If we repent to the Lord He is faithful to forgive us. There is nothing that we have done that is too big for God. He loves you and He loves those little baby’s you got to carry for a short time. They are now with Him in heaven surrounded by pure joy.