I’d change that day if I could

About 12 years ago now I got pregnant. I have always liked babies but never really had a real relationship either the guys didn’t know how to have a good relationship or wanted nothing serious. Anyways I went back on active duty and upon that time was told I was pregnant. I would of rather had the child and then told my mom, even though I was grown it would of been unsettling to mama that I wasnt married. I told the guy but he wasnt at the time financially able to share in this and wasnt in love with me so that may have made the difference. I was trying to finish my career so I didn’t have to depend on anyone and I would of wanted to take care of my own baby. Unfortunately I made a hasty decision and had an abortion. 3 years later I got pregnant again felt blessed but suffered a miscarriage. I have to wonder if I was punished. God forgives but I cant forgive myself and feel like I’m suffocating. No one knows what it’s like for the person to go through this for the rest of their life. I’d change that day if I could.