My angel Ava

When you’re born into a certain family with certain traditional lifestyle and when you have a manipulating mother that’s evil that all I wanted was a love until I started watching videos on YouTube of how women had babies at 20 weeks or 14 weeks 28 weeks I had a 2-day procedure of a abortion first it was the clamps and then the second date was the procedure when I went into the operation room I had to be there at 8 in the morning from 8 until 12 at night I cried dad asked me an operation room if I wanted to do it and before I said no I remember falling asleep I had asked them what my daughter look like they said she was full of hair and she was Junkie it’s so hard for me to talk about this because it’s like nobody listens or I’m to blame my mom had manipulative me and told me that if I didn’t get rid of this baby that she would take my other child away from me which she did have temporary custody of you never gave me my daughter back so I know that this is not my fault she is manipulating me plenty of times but not anymore I then had another daughter named Emma I was not going to give her up I don’t care what my mother said but if I can go back in time and go get Ava I would do anything to go and get her I would give my own life to have her at least you would be with her sisters I feel her sometimes and I know that I’m going to go to hell for this but I tell myself that maybe I won’t because my mom knows how to manipulate me and now to make me do things and dangle things in front of me I have went into shelters and I almost got apartments and right before I got them she told me to come home stay with your baby I left all my clothes all my belongings and went home to stay with my child she was my first baby I couldn’t have kids when my parents arranged marriage meet I was 15 years old the man was 21 years old add caught chlamydia and my fallopian tubes or burnt after that me and my sister and my cousin were how my sister had to leave because she was going to get in trouble by her boyfriend that night I have gotten raped six months later I went into the hospital for throwing up and not keeping any food down found out that I was pregnant I couldn’t believe what the doctor was telling me he said you know what your name is Layla and my daughter’s name is Layla and we just gave birth to her maybe this is a sign I couldn’t believe that I was pregnant because all I did was but what I did to Ava was Unforgivable and I can’t seem to forgive myself it’s hitting me now worse than ever because now that I want another child I don’t believe that I deserve one I don’t even believe that I deserve Emma and she’s autistic I sent in bed all day wondering what my daughter would have sounded like once you would have look like how she would have hugged me so many things running through my head I found this website I’m hoping somebody can relate and I always talk to me because I feel nobody understands what I’m going through with that I didn’t miss you so much my angel angel and I will never forget about you never