The Tears and Guilt Remain

I was 19 when I found out that I was pregnant. In 1999, I was working at a factory when I met him at an auto shop. We went to a couple of clubs but I didn’t know him that well when we first slept together. When the test results came back positive, I cried so hard. I told him and he was very upset. He told me he still wanted to party and even do acid during the summer! He threatened me that if I had the baby, he would take it away from me. I was young living in a bad part of town with no car or license. I didn’t know what to do. So I asked my friend and talked to a counselor. Both said abortion was my best option. The guy paid for it and my friend drove me to the clinic. Once I was sedated, I changed my mind and tried to get up from the table. I don’t know if the doctor’s thought I was afraid of pain but the nurse kind of held me down and before I could blink it was over. I immediately regretted it. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my baby. I still have the only ultrasound taken at 9 weeks tucked inside my bible. I have the strongest feeling the baby was a boy. For the past six or seven months I’ve been feeling so much guilt and shame for what I done. I can’t forgive myself and all I want is my baby back. This was 21 years ago and I just can’t let it go. I have a daughter now who is 14 and is my everything. But… I can’t heal that part of my heart that is meant for my little boy. I wonder who he would’ve become in life, if he has forgiven me even though I can’t forgive myself. To my only son: I am so so so sorry! Please don’t think I didn’t want you. I did and still do. I wanted to give you a chance and I thought you’d be better off with God than with me. I love you with all my heart. Please forgive me!