A broken soul

Hello everyone, My heart goes to you and so is my prayers. Please please think before you do anything. Give it some time tlk to someone ask for help there are ppl who care and would help. God always sends us help where we least expect it from. I had an abortion about 23years ago and it has been eating me deep inside fur all these years even hearing ppl tell me that God has forgiven me. I feel dead and so sad deep inside snd long for my first baby. First time I was intimate with a man but got pregnant and he didn’t want the baby. Maybe he got afraid cause he was married before or he had kids from his prior marriage or he didn’t want to tied down or whatever the reason but I should of been strong and said no I m keeping our baby. I stayed with this man for 20 years and had 2 daughters after that and in our 20 years together we got finally married and now going on 23 years together and still raising our 2 daughters. To make story short I was scared of loosing him snd I had no place to bring the baby as my parents had kicked me out and I was struggling but that didn’t excuse me to what I did. I had changed 3 different clinics and no1 would do it cause I was crying and would say no but go back and forth until the last clinic who were some horrible cold heartless ppl that cared only about the money. I felt so dead inside after my baby was taking away from me and after a severe infection I got and almost died I fell into a severe depression and tried to kill my self which almost succeeded and fell into a coma. My family came around and told my BF at the time to stay away and stop playing those mind games with me but he didn’t he came around… we have had our ups and downs over the years snd have separated but have reconciled but one thing I can say even after he has apologized yo me and regrets of pushing me into getting that abortion it can’t ever but ever take that deep pain I have for my baby!!! I have had a miscarriage before I got pregnant with my second daughter but even with those 2 pregnancies he was furious and afraid not sure to what he was horrible but after the babies were born they have been everything to him and there’s isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for them. I can only say I’m not sure if it was the right choice I stayed with him all these years and after what he pressured me to do only in my 20s and he is way older than me snd way more experienced but I can say please please don’t let no man or anyone push you to make a decision for you or your previous baby!!! It is a human life!! It u it s your body and your life and that child’s if you decide to keep which I hope you do. It’s better to give for adoption instead of having an abortion. I regret my decision and I can’t never go back and take it back. My younger sister with 3 kids made a choice to have an abortion which also regretted it snd the father of her kids left her for a girl he was cheating on her… she killed her self 10 years ago. Some men might feel bad or say sorry later but they are not carrying that precious life inside em. One thing I wanted to say is that for years I couldn’t conceive after the abortion and the dr who had taken care of me after the severe bleeding gave me shots snd treatments to help me. For years I asked God if He had forgiven me and I asked Him to please let me know someway… I asked maybe if He would give ne the chance again to have a child I would know He has forgiven me snd I would cherish and love my baby… I got pregnant twice my daughter was 3 when I had a miscarriage until 6/7 months I got pregnant again which drs thought I would miscarry again and try to give me pills since I was bleeding so heavily to abort I told em no I’m going to leave things in Gods hands. My oldest is now 20 years old and my youngest is 16. Both girls are my miracle babies. Both high risk pregnancies and drs are still puzzled how I conceived and how I carried full term. You see when we have an abortion we stop the natural thing thst is happening it’s not normal we screw up our bodies and we might be given the chance to have kids again and we might not. I know someone who has had sn abortion very young snd she can’t have anymore children. It’s heartbreaking as she is older now snd married and has tried everything but can’t and it’s not possible. Now I tlk to my daughters about things as I am afraid because I don’t want them to have to go through what I went through. I want my baby back and that pain, emptiness, void and sadness I have for my baby, my both sisters can’t never be filled. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Sending my love.