At seventeen I had already spent over a year in a state group home. My father had passed away a few months before, and my mother was soon to be released from jail. During this trying time I found myself pregnant. The father of the child made it very clear that he wouldn’t be around if I kept the child, but even still I thought maybe I could do it alone. I kept it a secret from my foster parent for about a month. Until one morning very bluntly she asked me, are you pregnant? And I just broke down. I told her, and to my surprise she was very supportive. Unfortunately she would be the only one. After she told my caseworker. My case worker came the next day if I said she was mad that would of been an understatement. She explained to me how hard my life would be if I kept this child. All my hard work would of been for nothing, and I’d later regret keeping this child. Later she would request the funds of my trust to be used for a procedure I never wanted to begin with. And the process began. I went to a few appointments to this clinic in palm beach with the father of the child and my case worker. Both would beat me down telling me how this was for the best, and that it would have a negative impact on us all. But later I’d understand it was never for my best interest, it was for theirs. I did go though with it. It’s been hard on me ever since. The years following I suffered from depression. A few times I found myself committed into metal health facilities, but even with the help I’ve never been able to shake that my first child perhaps the only daughter I would of had I never gave a chance. Now I have two beautiful sons. I live for them. Having them has showed me how capable I could have been. Through them I try to make it up. I do my all to give them the very best at life. I try to give them everything I never had the chance to give their sibling. I believe we all have a choice. That choice should be ours.
50 years ago I had an abortion. It was not because I was in an abusive relationship, or had been raped, or was being forced somehow to do this. I had this abortion performed simply out of cowardice because I was afraid of my parents, afraid of others’ reactions, didn’t want this to be happening to me, and i did not take responsibility. I have the seemingly entrenched belief, still today, that I am a murderer and unworthy. I have no respect for myself, deep down, though I have done many wonderful things in my life, and the trajectory of much of my life has been dictated by this event 50 years ago. I love all beings, especially children, and I have no children, choosing relationships that would not include having children. I have been unable to feel free enough to acknowledge and become my authentic self, and to integrate this overwhelming guilt, despite years of spiritual practice, giving to others, helping others, practicing self compassion. I am looking for the missing action I need to take to achieve some relief.
In 2003 I got pregnant at the age of 31 years old. I had a first born, newborn son (he was less than one year old)and was not very wealthy or financially stable due to prior issues with addiction. The father of the child wanted me to get an abortion due to his fear that my prior using and some using at the time of pregnancy might possibly have caused some defect to the child. My family immediately encouraged me to get the abortion and with all these pressures and demands, I got the abortion within the first six weeks of pregnancy against my true inner feelings about abortion. My reasons were purely to appease people on a superficial level under the guise that it was responsible when in reality it was based on their belief that I was not a worthy mother or person . There was no merit to their judgment and I sacrificed my beliefs to appease others. I received no proper counseling prior to this decision to abort that could have resolved this blatant disregard of my truest desires. Even though me and the father would not have stayed together, I really did want that baby to live. I value life. After the abortion I was so spiritually empty inside that I could hardly function or find happiness. I felt like a heartless murdered because deep down I knew the reasons to abort were really just plain superficial and did not have any genuine reason to take a life. For almost 2 decades now I live with such intense regret that it reaffirms to me that my decision was just simply not justified. I won’t go into details of all the mental and spiritual anguish I suffered from this decision but it has been so awful that I know having the baby despite society’s opinion of me would have been better for me and of course the baby and the baby would have been a bright addition to the world we live in. Right now there is such heated debate about constitutional rights and the right of a woman to get body but the founders of our nation and framers of our constitution all agreed that these fundamental protections do not apply if there is a harm caused to self or others. Superficial reasons for abortion ( which 90 % of abortions are for superficial reasons) not only harms/kills the child but also harms the mother that has to live with the decision for eternity. I cannot change my past but my living amends today to that dear child is to share my testimony and hope that it saves the life of another child.
I had an unwanted Abortion on March 27,1973 at Elmhurst General Hospital. It was my cousin Carol’s third birthday. I was ordered to undergo the Abortion by my Father. He wasn’t my Birth Father, but my Adoptive father. I was adopted when his wife couldn’t have children due to a emergency hysterectomy. The hystermectomy was a complete one~ They took everything. They turned to Louise Wise Adoption Agency in New York State,it’s now Spence-Chapin. And is still operating. When I became pregnant I thought my parents would say “you’ll have the child and then give it up” Boy oh boy was I ever wrong about that. My Father ordered me to abort the child ! I wasn’t even given a choice or asked what I wanted to do. After it happened, it was never talked about or even mentioned again. In February of 1973 my mother suffered a massive stroke. And she passed on September 29,1974. Inbetween my Abortion and her stroke my Parents & I took a wonderful trip to Israel. Something happened while in Israel~ The first visit to the Wailing Wall I didn’t shed a tear. The second time was a different story. I had an epathiny in the Chtuch of the Holy Selepchure I ran my fingertips across the stone where Jesus is said to have lain and I felt a spark go thru my fingertips and thru my whole body~Especially thru my closed heart. The second time at the Wall I cried tears for my son. I know that Jesus has forgiven me for what I did~ My problem is I can’t forgive myself. And I’ll NEVER forgive my father~ I just hope he’s in HELL where he belongs for his betrayal of me. My son’s father who I kept the secret of his abortion has known since I told him in 2011. On his Birthday of all days !~ I told him “How can I forget your birthday or the day I aborted our son ?” He was shocked I had kept ir a secret for 38 years !!!! He’s forgiven me and still loves me. My son’s name is Jason Alan Baylen, who be turning 45 this fall.