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Dealing With My Regret

by Admin

I had an abortion a little over a month ago now, and I regret it with every waking moment since. I understand the logic, behind the decision, but I have been living in pain ever since and I feel like no one understands it. I’m a 32 year old, divorced, mother of 2. I have been seeing my boyfriend for over two years and I think we’re great together. We are having a hard time progressing the relationship (or moving in together) due to the fact that between the two of us, we have 4 kids, 3 dogs, one cat and two homes. His kids and my kids both go to different school districts and, currently, our financial situation is not the best. Due to the pandemic, my job is unstable and I might be without work in a few months, on top of debt of being a single parent. I had been on the Depo shot for birth control, but my gynecologist took me off the birth control due to complications. I was having abnormal bleeding, cramping, on top of blood clots. So needless to say, you can see where this is going! After I stopped taking the shots, my body reacted horribly. Because I was on hormones for such a long time, my body started to regulate itself and I started to have really bad abnormal bleeding patterns. This was to the point where I was almost anemic. My gynecologist told me not to go on any birth control until my body regulated itself. In between bleeding, of course my boyfriend and I would have relations. My complications got to the point where my gynecologist suggested that I needed to have a D&C performed. When I went for my pre-op appointment, they ended up doing a check-up, a pelvic exam, and also blood work. That following morning after my appointment, I have received a call from the doctor’s office stating that I have elevated levels pointed towards pregnancy. Because they were so low, they thought I might have had a miscarriage. I told them I was not pregnant, and I told them the reason of why I was having the D&C performed. They suggested I would come in for more blood work in one week to see if my levels were increasing. After the phone call, I contacted my boyfriend and I told him the news right away. I might be pregnant. His first reaction was “don’t they make a pill for that? We are And no situation to have a baby right now!” After hearing his words, and also him reiterating our current situation, made sense to me. To go in the direction of an abortion. I always believe that a baby started out right at conception and that it was more than just a clump of cells. His reaction, hurt me, but I understood. When I got home that day, I curled up in a bowl and I just cried. I laid in bed, and I did not move. I was supposed to work my second job and I called off. I was so upset. I was upset with myself, and the overall situation. The following weeks were extremely difficult. I ended up making an appointment and driving to a clinic. I researched the different methods of abortion and none of them seemed easy. Probably because this choice was not easy. I felt guilty and disgusting. When I got to the clinic, I couldn’t stop crying. It didn’t feel right. I wanted to keep my baby. I wanted to have a life with my partner, and I saw myself with him being parents to our unborn child. So I left. My boyfriend was extremely upset that I was doing that on my own and I didn’t include him. He said he wanted to be there for me throughout the entire procedure. I told him I didn’t want to do it and I didn’t want to go through with it. He just gave me more reasons of why we had to. We had a duty to already existing children, and we have to keep their lives easier. After that I made another appointment. And I started to get more and more depressed at the fact that I was about to go through this. I was about to kill my baby. I thought that maybe a sonogram would change his mind. I ended up going to the OBGYN for a prenatal appointment and I saw my baby, I heard it’s heartbeat. And the baby measured around 7 weeks. I called my boyfriend afterwards and told him I had this sonogram. I also told him how horrible I felt and I didn’t want to go through with this and I see this as a way for us to merge our lives together, and to be a family finally. I also told him that when I looked at that baby, I saw nothing but love and I saw us together in one beautiful life. He was still really stuck on the fact that we had this situation we were in and he said I could have a baby anytime I wanted. He also asked me wouldn’t it be better if we brought a baby into a better situation where we are more settled and I had a stable job? Although I understood his reasoning, but it still didn’t make me feel any better about what I was about to do. I kept on picturing what our life would be like if we were to go through with the pregnancy, I knew I wanted to be with him, and he wants to be with me. I didn’t really see how our minor inconvenience in our current situation would be a reason to stop a heartbeat. Two weeks later, we had one last conversation the night before I would make the drive to receive the abortion. Of course I was a mess, crying, and felt a huge amount of guilt and sadness. I didn’t want to do it. I told him I didn’t want to. His response to that was “Then don’t do it, and I’ll just deal with it.” I kept thinking to myself I don’t want to force him into a situation He didn’t want to be in, but I was still hoping he’d change his mind. Because what I truly wanted to have this baby that we created. On the morning of the abortion I drove separately from him. I thought process was I might want to just be at the hotel by myself and tell him to go home. The whole drive I was just in a daze. Not really thinking, just numb. I checked into the hotel room and I placed out the medication the abortion clinic gave me during the consultation. One of the medication I had to take before the surgical abortion was the abortion pill. They had me take it before to soften the cervix or that’s how they explained it. I got there before he did, and I just sat on the bed looking at the meds not wanting to take them. When he got there he told me to focus on my children and to do what I came here for because I didn’t want to wait any longer because the baby would then become a baby and it would be harder. I told him to leave the room while I took the pills because I was so upset. I didn’t want anybody who advocated my abortion to be with me. I ended up sending him a text message telling him I couldn’t do it. I felt horrible. I was hoping he would tell me Not to go through with it. But he didn’t. He just told me again to focus on what I came here for. The last thought that crossed my mind before I took those pills was “he doesn’t want this with me” And then I took them. And then notified him that I took the pills and he came into the room. We hugged each other and cried And then I told him to leave. I couldn’t even look at him at that point. I was so upset. They say not to drive yourself to or from the abortion because the medication. I didn’t really care at that point. I left in my car leaving him at the hotel. I needed to do this on my own Because I felt like no one was supporting me. When I got to the clinic I parked and I took a deep breath and I started to cry some more. I tried to finish up my crying before I started walking into the clinic. When I approached the front doors, there were two protesters outside. They were saying things like “your baby’s life matters! You don’t have to do this!” And waving signs in my face. When I got into the clinic, I scanned the room and I just saw faces of women who looked……. Comfortable. Or at least comfortable with their decision. I found a chair over in the corner and I quietly started crying. I couldn’t stop. I asked to go into the back to go into the restroom so I could hide and cry until they called my name. When they let me into the back And I went into the restroom, I closed the door and I started to cry so hard that snot was running down my face. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to take those pills, I wanted my baby. When they called my name I emerged from the bathroom and I must have looked horrible because the nurse told me to go into a separate room. She explained to me that I must be doing the right thing if I’m here, and it’s nothing but a clump of cells and I am very brave. Brave? I didn’t feel brave at all! In fact I feel that this is the coward’s way out of responsibility. I felt disgusted and upset with her statement. When I thought back to all the women in the waiting room, I didn’t see one woman look upset. I thought to myself how lucky they were to feel so comfortable with their decision that they are making. Because I surely did not. Finally when it was my turn. I started to cry again to the other nurse who was escorting me in. She also told me I must be doing the right thing if I’m here. She must have said something to the doctor, because when he came in he asked me if this was the right choice for me. I informed him I already took the pills so it was too late. He told me that sometimes, things do work out. I told him that I didn’t want to take that risk if being upset twice. I didn’t want a glimmer of hope, and then have it taken away from me again. So we continued with the procedure which today I regret. I should have taken that glimmer of hope. Once I was on the table, they gave me extra medication to calm me down because this was a procedure done while you are awake. I didn’t feel pain, but I felt the pressure of the tools, and I literally felt my baby being sucked out of me. I was not in pain physically, But I will never forget that disgusting feeling. All I could think about was back to the sonogram of hearing my baby’s heartbeat at which is no longer beating. Once The procedure was over, I ended up getting a little baggie with instructions and other medications for later on. I told the woman I was meeting an Uber driver out back and I didn’t want to run into the picketers again. She sent me out the back door and I went around to my vehicle. I sat there in the car totally numb. When I got back to the hotel, my boyfriend was still in the parking lot waiting for me. I walked right into the hotel without even acknowledging him, got in bed and faced the other way just laying there not saying anything. The only words I could seem to get out were “please leave me alone, go home” He didn’t want to leave me, I know he loves me and he wanted to be there with me through this, but I didn’t want to be around him. At that point in time I resented him so much. The next morning I woke up and I cried the entire drive home. I watched the sunrise and it made me cry even harder thinking that my baby will never see a sunrise ever. I immediately fell into a deep depression where I couldn’t even get out of bed. I couldn’t even eat. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. At this point the only people who knew where my boyfriend, and my best friend. Everyone else thought I was having the D&C performed so my mother was watching my children. I ended up telling her what I did. I thought she would be horrified that I could do such an evil thing. We were never religious, but I always valued life, and I love being a mother and I love my children and I felt immense guilt over what I did… And still continue to have. My mother told me that I did the right thing for my already existing children. My boyfriend keeps on telling me to choose to think differently about the situation. My best friend told me that I made the right move. Why am I the only one who feels like I killed my baby? Why am I the only one who feels sad? My boyfriend decided that I needed a break from life and he told me between my job up in the air, the abortion, and my stress, I could use a vacation. He planned out, and purchased a trip to Punta Cana. It was an amazing trip, and a beautiful location, at a beautiful resort. On the plane rides to Punta Cana, and on the way home, I felt like I was surrounded by nothing but babies. It made me so sad. I started to cry several times thinking about what my baby would have looked like, would have been a girl or a boy? Then why did I trade my baby for a trip….. Or at least that’s what it felt like. About a week after a trip, I fell into the worst depression. I was constantly crying over every little thing. I had to take off work, I couldn’t focus on anything, I couldn’t do anything. I ended up breaking down to my boyfriend and I told him about how I felt and I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to make this situation better. I’ve never felt this way ever in my life. My friend, boyfriend and my mother had all stated they are shocked at how I reacted because normally I’m such a strong person. He told me that he regrets not stopping me from taking those pills, and he sees it how I see it now. He feels bad about the situation and apologized to me. He says that he wants to make me feel better but he doesn’t know how and he’s frustrated about it. He’s also frustrated and disappointed with himself for not handling it better. I know he’s trying to be there for me, but it’s still hard to think that he wanted me to go through that. I think he realizes now that it was a mistake. Currently I am in therapy, and my boyfriend is there for me and we are trying to work through this together. Part of me realizes I will never be the same and I’m hoping things get better. Overall with this experience, I realized a few things. First and foremost would be never do anything you truly don’t want to do or have any person make choices for you. I feel that if I had one person say that to me, I’d still be pregnant. Also, just because someone disagrees with you, doesn’t make them a bad person. Even though my boyfriend and I did not see eye to eye on the situation. He’s trying to be understanding and help me through this. I can’t fault him for his way of thinking because mine was also different from his. And he can’t fault me for the way I thought about the pregnancy. Another lesson that I learned was that life does continue after something like this whether you like it or not. Me curling up in a ball, isolating myself, being depressed in bed did not help me, my children, or my current situation. I’m trying to see little positives in the situation to help me move forward. I ended up signing up to be my daughter’s coach this summer and I realized I wouldn’t have been able to do that for her if I was still pregnant. Even though I want my baby back more than anything in the world, or to go back in time, you simply cannot. Abortion is final. Having a baby is final. And that decision should be thoroughly thought out. Maybe if I communicated more with my partner, maybe he would have changed his mind. Make sure you vocalize what you truly want or how you think and stick by it. I know that life continues on, but I will still always, always think about the little life that I missed out on. My therapist suggested that I write a letter of forgiveness to the baby and it went something like this… To the Baby I never had, I want to start off by saying that the moment I found out about you, I was scared. The more I thought about you, I grew to love you because I am your mother. I wanted you. I think about you every single day and wish you were still here. Your father and I were not ready for you, despite your presence. He voiced his concerns with giving you life in a world that was not prepared for you. I listened. As fast as your heartbeat started, I went to a doctor to stop it. I wish I didn’t have to do that to you. I am sorry for what I did and I am working on forgiving myself, as I hope you will too. Deep down, every time I put my hand on my belly to feel close to you, or saw you on a sonogram, I knew that I would never meet you even though I wanted to so badly. I will always wonder if you would have been a boy or girl. What color your eyes would have been, or what you would have been named. I wanted to know. What is most tragic is that you would have been so loved. If you would have been born, I probably would have always held you and never would want to put you down! You would have had 4 siblings to teach you things your father and I would not. You would have had 2 aunts and a grandmother and a grandfather to spoil you rotten. You also would have had 3 dogs that would have considered themselves your “protectors”. You will miss out on that, as I will miss out watching you grow and your entire life. Now all I have is what would have been, and I will always keep you close to my heart. I will always think about you and wonder what life would have been like if you were here. I think I will never forgive myself for that, but I will always have love for you knowing that you existed. So for those of you who are considering abortion. My advice to you is that if you have one shred of doubt about abortion. Do not carry it out. And to do it for yourself. You have to make that choice on your own regardless of your circumstances or your environment. Do what is best for you. Situations always change, but once you go to the clinic, you can never get your baby back. To this day, I know I will always be left and wonder and full of regret.

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