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Decision that eats at my soul

by Admin

The moment I found out about my pregnancy I knew I wanted to keep my baby. Not an embryo or a fetus, but my baby! That very moment changed my life completely, and permanently. I had always been a career-oriented woman who never wanted to get married or have kids. I was also suffering from very irregular periods and other reproductive health issues. So, chances of conception for me had aways been very bleak. I clearly was not planning on having kids ever. On top of that I was obsessed with education and was extremely focused on my career. Then this one night I met J in person for the first time. It was also the first time that a guy had not used protection. And it resulted in pregnancy. A pregnancy so unplanned yet so loved! Almost 3 weeks after meeting J I thought I had got covid. I was feeling tired and dizzy. Pregnancy was out of the question for me. But on my friend’s suggestion I took a test and sure enough it was positive. Soon after I made an appointment for a pregnancy test at a free pregnancy clinic since I had no insurance at the moment. After confirming my pregnancy I decided to meet J in person, who lives 2 hrs away from me, and give him the news. I knew he was going to be shocked and wouldn’t want to keep the baby. But it was my responsibility to tell the biological father. Also, I wanted to try for my baby. Proving my gut feeling right he was indeed beyond shocked and tried to convince me to abort the baby. Saying things like, “If I were a woman I’d abort it”, or “ Why do you want to have my baby?”. He failed to understand why I wanted to keep my baby and that it wasn’t just his baby alone. It was my baby too. And I wanted to keep it! After that foreseen disappointment, I knew I had to tell my very conservative Indian parents. I knew they would be disappointed and even mad at me. But I had a hope that at least my mother would understand my feelings for she was a mother too. But to my utter disappointment, as soon as I told her about my pregnancy she said that she understands that stuff happens and wasn’t mad about it. But I had to abort my baby. My mother didn’t for once ask me what I wanted, or what I was feeling. Her sole concern was the Indian society. I live in the US but it was clear that my roots had haunted me oversees as well. She said that my unborn child would bring a shame to the family name. A family where every man has cheated and abused his wife. Where women were treated like trash. Yet that family’s name and honor was more important than my innocent child’s life. I was literally in tears trying so hard to explain why I wanted to keep my child. Even my sister bailed on me saying I was just being emotional and not practical, and that my baby would ruin my life and career. Even though I had told her over and over again that my priorities had changed. I didn’t care about my education or career anymore. My baby mattered the most to me. I failed to convince my family too. The bitter truth was I needed at least one person to support me through and a little after my pregnancy. And I didn’t have that person. I needed financial and emotional support to give my baby a life that it deserved. It killed me to admit that I had failed my child. I felt the unluckiest mother in the world. I was so stressed. And my family and the baby’s father were constantly pushing me to get an abortion. I had stopped talking to my mother who was constantly bashing me for being a bad daughter saying that I should be ashamed of myself. Unfortunately, I was so weak that I caved in. I made an appointment for an abortion. As soon as my mother got the news she texted me, “God bless you. May you always be happy!”. Little did she know or maybe she clearly knew that I would never be happy again! Ever since I made the appointment I spent every day and night crying and dreading that Wednesday. The Wednesday of the appointment came and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing! I felt numb. I couldn’t feel any emotions. The procedure was done, I went home and slept for hours. Once I woke up I couldn’t ever sleep peacefully again. Every day after the abortion has been a living hell. I have breakdowns after breakdowns. I cry and scream for my baby. I want it back so bad. But I have killed it. It’s gone far away from me; forever! All I can do is regret and cry. I’m in constant pain that gets worse everyday. I was told to get an abortion and go back to my “normal” life. I think this is what my normal life is after the abortion. A life that I don’t want but I’m living because I cannot die. A life if I enjoy a little, the guilt replaces the happiness and I feel horrible for feeling happy. A life that is incomplete forever. Everyday and everything reminds me of my baby that I’m no longer carrying. Words cannot express my love for my baby. But I think my love was not strong enough to fight for it’s life. I never thought I could feel love so true and pure for anyone ever. But I felt and still feel it for my baby. I still carry it in my heart and my memories. It will always live there!

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Ajita July 27, 2021 - 12:15 am

When I read this, I resonate so much with your grief. I never had an abortion but one of my adult children recently died. It breaks my heart that every story I am reading tonight is a grief that seems equal to my own trauma. That so many women bear this deeply saddens me. When you say, “I’m living because I cannot die,” I cannot tell you how much this resonates with me. I am raising my daughter’s little girl, and I have to stay here for her. My guilt is endless about what I did or did not do for my daughter, with no remedy because she is gone. I hope that you can come to a place of kindness towards yourself. I wish you well in your journey. Please know that we are not the sum total of our errors in this life: ultimately we humans transcend those things. Remember that you are loved beyond measure by the Spirit which moves in all things, and that your baby’s eternal spirit can never be destroyed. I like to believe our beloveds are with us always, and waiting for the day we will be reunited.

Andi December 26, 2021 - 5:09 pm

I’m reading through many of these testimonials and each one I am saying a prayer over. My heart breaks for your situation, but I pray that you find Jesus Christ who loves you no matter what you’ve done. No love or forgiveness on earth can compare to His love and forgiveness. I will keep you in my heart and my prayers….