Regret

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, gave up a life I loved for his career that moved us across the country. Away from all my support and when we got here his commitment to me began to wane. I found out I was pregnant while he was away, for 9 days I had the blessing of bonding with my baby, telling him I’d protect him. Then the father returned and I told him. He wasn’t unkind but was adamant that we didn’t have the resources for another child. That our current children would suffer (he has 2 and I have 2), that he didn’t want to go through the baby stages again. That it’s my body but I would take away from my kids future if I went forward. I begged him to support me keeping, he withdrew his affection and made constant comments when my kids were acting up that I wanted to add more chaos. I went to the appointment thinking I’d go to appease him and walk out strong in my conviction that I’d have my baby. The doctor said she didn’t like my uncertainty but hearing we had four kids, didn’t try and talk me out of it. I texted him he wasn’t allowed with me, but he stood by it being the best thing for our family. I was a robot defeated by fear when I took the pill down, I wanted to vomit it up immediately. I left there broken, I went home and the next day bled alone as he kept away. My kids confused by my tears and pain. I wanted to join my baby in death. I wanted nothing more than to take back my actions. The more I bled the more I sobbed. It’s been 2 weeks, every bathroom trip reminds me of my regret and self hatred. I see how I could’ve made it work with or without him. Most of all I feel dead inside, I’ve focused on my living children but it feels artificial. I told people who knew I was pregnant that I miscarried and every comforting word I hear makes me want to scream. I don’t deserve comfort, I don’t feel like I deserve to feel joy again, I just want my baby back. My mom told me if I went through with it I’d regret it and yet I’d never regret my baby. I wish I had listened to her and not him. This pain feels like it’ll never pass.