The worst decision I have ever made

I got an abortion 4 years ago. My boyfriend and I were in love and I guess neither one of us really thought we would get pregnant. But we did. I had been on birth control for so many years I just didn’t want to be on it anymore and I was trying to pay attention to when I would be ovulating with an app on my phone… I was working full time and trying to go back to school for another degree. I had been so tired and emotional but I didn’t think anything of it. I remember sitting in the first row in class when I had the realization that I was pregnant. Everything happened really quickly and I don’t know if it was the hormones or what but I really wasn’t thinking clearly. When I told my boyfriend he seemed happy at first and everything felt so foreign to me I didn’t know what to make of it. But then the next day he told me “we aren’t ready”. And the whole situation downward spiraled. I really needed his help. I was living with two other girls and it wasn’t a situation to raise a baby in we would need to get a new place. My mom said I could move back home but my sister had already had a baby and she was living with my mom. My older sister talked me into an abortion immediately- something I still wish she hadn’t done and hold resentment towards her for- even though I know it’s not her fault. My roommates and friends said they’d help me raise a baby but realistically they wouldn’t. One of my best friends said she’d go with me to get an abortion- something I still have resentment towards her for when she was just trying to be a good friend. I had never gotten one but basically every woman I knew had. I thought to myself was it my turn to do the same things as them? What an odd thought. I pleaded and pleaded to my bf why didn’t he care more that his baby was inside of me!? I was so confused and scared. And I was so happy to have a little baby inside me but I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I called to make an appt to get an abortion and I couldn’t believe it was so easy- why was it so easy!!? Why didn’t they even ask me “are you sure?” “How do you know?”. My boyfriend basically ghosted me. I felt I had no choice. I cried and cried and cried and begged for my little baby to forgive me. I went through with it but all the while hardly understanding why it was even possible for women to be able to do such a thing. My boyfriend and I got back together and have been on and off for five years. He got back with his ex though and had a baby with her. It’s so hard to see him happy with a baby that isn’t ours. I have cried about making this decision for years. This pain lives with me everyday. No matter how hard I try to forgive myself I cant. Why couldn’t I think better for myself? I could have raised a baby on my own!!!! I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could go back in time and be the support for myself I needed. There is no turning back, you will never be able to undo this mistake and I can truly say this was the biggest mistake of my life. I live with so much pain, depression, heartache and regret. You can have your baby, you will find a way. It will all be okay and you’re heart will be full. I know I would have been such a wonderful mother and I am one now to an Angel that I pray for forgiveness from everyday: Do not get an abortion: You will regret it everyday of your life.