Hell afterwards

1973, March. Lied about my age by 1 year, lied about how far along I was. Boyfriend said he couldn’t marry me, no job, still in high school. Bring shame and embarrassment to my mother, no. Brother in law encouraged abortion. Pre counseling i thought I’d be told it would be inadvisable mentally. But no, the counselor was enthusiastic about it, as though a cheerleader for it. On the table I freaked out, became hysterical, don’t kill my baby. Although I can’t say that for sure. Memories are blocked. Dr was angry with me, no time for such behavior. Knock her out. Afterward in recovery was like waking in hell with so many other victims. Nurse said they couldn’t get me to wake up. Maybe I died, I don’t know. No more bright cheerleaders, just rude nurses wanting to get us out of there. This experience mortally wounded my soul, ruined me completely, and I can never ever forgive myself. What kind of person kills her own child? I know hell awaits me after this life, so deserved. Regret and self hatred are what I have until then. It is dismal. There is no hope for me because it it so not deserved. I wish I had died on that table. God, I am sorry. The millstone is around my neck.