How do I live with what I’ve done?

I will live my life with the horrible fact that I had an abortion. I, me… I took an innocent life. A child that didn’t ask for conceivement. How do you forgive yourself? How do you go on? I’m still working on that. I was 19 and had 2 children already. No husband, working 2 jobs and trying to get through college. I found myself pregnant again. I had talked to our nanny about it and he suggested abortion. I thought about it for awhile but did no research. I really didn’t know exactly what I was doing but my gut and my heart said it was wrong. Nonetheless my Nanny took me to a larger city, further from home to have the procedure done. I went through with it… crying… never to know the child I threw away like trash. I can’t go back and redefine the choice I made that changed me forever. I long for baby 3. I cannot seem to grasp that I took an innocent life. I don’t know that person anymore. I dispise that person. No matter how good I try to be. Or what good deeds I’ve done. I’m still a murderer in the eyes of the Lord. My punishment is a lifetime of watching my children and grandchildren imagining another sweet life. Wandering what their life would be like and how much fuller our lives would have been with baby 3. If I could give someone advise I would say to you… There are so many other options. Once you cross that line it never leaves you. SO SORRY BABY. I WISH I HAD MADE DIFFERENT DECISIONS BACK THEN.