I always wonder how my baby would look and how much love I would have for her or him

I was 16. I was an immigrant and I met him from loneliness. He was 26 and was of a different race. I introduced him to my parents, and they allowed me to go out with him. I fell in love and always asked him to be careful, he didn’t care. I didn’t know his girlfriend before me had two abortions. I was beautiful, I was happy and full of life. I knew he was a wrong person for my life, but I was very lonely and held on to him. I was in college at 18, I found out I was pregnant. I wanted to keep my child. He wanted to keep our child but could not support a baby fully. I turned to my parents, they took my phone, money and keys and the money I saved for my college was spent on late turn abortion. I fainted after the procedure and I was never the same. I was depressed, tried to kill myself multiple times, at some point, I stopped eating. I had no reason to live. My parents didn’t see how depressed I was or refused to see it. They didn’t care about anybody else but themselves. The only hope that I had was going to college. I received 3 degrees, I saved money, I met the right person and we tried to have a child. I was diagnosed with cancer and fought for my life. My son was born via surrogacy and I would give my life to have a second child, but at this point, we have stopped trying. I try to pretend that I am happy but my mind keeps coming back to those horrible times. I didn’t speak English, I was alone, didn’t know about other options and made the worst decision in my life. This event plays in my mind like a horrible tape over and over again. I always wonder how my baby would look like and how much love I would have for her or him. If I had to go back, I would run to police, get on my knees and beg them to save my child. I have a good job and I am treating each person with respect and I am helping everybody I can. I wish and I wish that somebody helped me when I was 18. I have a good family but I am so damaged! I scream at my husband, I look at my son and wonder how my other child would look like. Please, keep your child, I beg you. I promised to myself to spend the rest of my life in helping people, I want to be different than those people around me who didn’t support me. Please keep your child!