I feel so empty.

by Admin

words can not describe the emptiness i feel inside of me. I’m 17years old , i just had my abortion this month and the pain and guilt i feel is almost unbearable. This guy who would of been the father of my child wasn’t even my boyfriend, we had just been hooking up on and off for months. Him and i were close friends for along time but we had just started hooking up that year. In december of 2020 i had realized my period was late , and i wasn’t to worried because my periods had always been irregular. This time was completely different, i felt off as if i almost knew the whole time i was pregnant. January 4th, 2021i took my first test. I prayed and prayed that it would be a negative and i could just go back to thinking it was my irregular period. My life changed completely that day when the 2 bright red lines had shown up. I was alone, in panic and scared. At first i felt so ashamed. “ How could i of been so irresponsible?” “ why, why”? i went back into my room and sat there and looked at myself in the the mirror for what felt like years. I was lost in my own world. I immediately texted this guy , and told him we needed to talk in person and so then we had met up and he had a good idea of what was up , but he honestly wasn’t ready for the “ i’m pregnant” to come out of my mouth. I saw it in his face the shock but quickly he controlled that and we sat there for a second. I was shaking uncontrollably, so scared for what was next. We started talking about the next steps , and a solution. I went back to my house and i told my mom and from the start she supported whatever choice i made. I went to his house that night to take a test in front of him. He saw the two lines pop up and he grabbed his phone right after and started looking up abortion clinics and our options. I sat there in absolute disbelief. So many emotions going through my head at once. Him and i both agreed that i should get an abortion because well number one , him and i were never together in the first place thats not any place for a child and two we are both still in high school about to graduate and he has college to look forward to and i have nursing school to accomplish. From that day i waited two full weeks with my baby inside of me. Every single day i felt closer and closer to my baby. Like it was just them and i. At this point , i had already scheduled an appointment for a medication abortion but everyday leading up to it felt like a nightmare. I didn’t want to hurt my baby. I didn’t want to hurt them. I wish i could of found out what the gender was but in my heart i always suspected it would be a boy. until Tuesday, Jan 19th came along when my mom and i drove down to the clinic. I remember how sad and how much i wanted to cry my eyes out sitting there in that clinic knowing that here i would be taking a pill to stop my baby’s heart beat. The look i gave my mom before swallowing that pill was a look of sheer pain and “i don’t want to do this” is all i thought. I swallowed the pill and felt so empty but i didn’t show it. It was all happening so fast i couldn’t even grasp on to it. Later on i inserted the pills and the pain i went through was absolutely terrible. I felt my sac fall into the toilet and i laid there on the ground in my bathroom absolutely hysterical but also in extreme pain. A few days later i went through another episode of extreme pain and saw my baby with my own eyes. I saw my baby with my own eyes and i will never ever forget it. Nothing will ever top how completely broken i felt from that moment on. I regretted everything i did in that moment. Absolutely everything, i wish i could go back and change it. I wish i could have my baby with me still. I wouldn’t feel so empty. I wouldn’t feel so sad i would have them with me always growing within me. Instead i made the biggest mistake of my life. Every single day from that point on i have not stopped thinking about it. The boy who would have been the father slowly drifted away after everything happened and i don’t get much support from him anymore. Just my mother. Only my mother. It hurts so bad , i wish i could take it all back. I want to hold my baby , i want them to be born in august like the lady said at the ultrasound. I wanted you and i’ll never ever forget you. I ask god for forgiveness every single day as i feel this heavy pain in my chest because i know my baby is up there with him right now . Just a matter of time before i ever get to see them. I’m so broken. I have so much more life to live to, i just don’t know how i’m going to live it from this point on only being 17 and having this much impact from an abortion is going to haunt me forever. & i have no clue how i’ll ever get over this. I am so empty.

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